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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt about being excluded

65 replies

BlueAce73 · 13/06/2022 10:40

My ex & I have 3 daughters, 2 are now adults & youngest is 15 & since she was 11 has lived with her Father & SM. We divorced many years ago & have both remarried, I chose not to have any more children but ex has 2 daughters with his now wife & she has a 2 sons from a previous relationship her ex & my ex are fairly good friends as they used yo work together & I know that my ex & his wife socialise with her ex & his now wife sometimes. I’ve found out from my oldest daughter that in 2 weeks a big family holiday abroad is booked for 2 weeks which includes my ex his & his wife and all 3 of out daughters & their partners & children plus her ex his wife & their kids & 2 of my close friends and their families. Although I don’t have any right to be included I feel really hurt that not only was I not told but wasn’t invite. My ex & I get on very well & I have a good relationship with his wife (absolutely no animosity anywhere) . I haven’t said anything yet because usually my ex lets me know before they go away so I expect I’ll hear imminently but I feel so upset that I was excluded but feel silly saying so to my ex as he may not have even thought about it.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 13/06/2022 15:29

Maybe it's not you but your OH. Maybe they don't find as comfortable around him.

Original poster
BlueAce73 · 13/06/2022 16:52

I have spoken with my oldest daughter about it & apparently their Dad did ask them not to mention anything to me until he had spoken to me first & she claims he has been so busy he completely forgot to let me know their plans, think he just didn’t want to talk to me about it tbh

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 13/06/2022 16:58

It’s been years since I had a holiday with all 3 of my daughters because they are grown so didn’t always come so I am slightly envious that he gets to

I am sure if you offer to pay for the adult DD's (and their partners?) and give them plenty of notice to book time from work you could all go away together next year.

Notodaynotever · 13/06/2022 17:09

What kind of relationship do you have with your youngest that she wouldn't want to tell you all the details of a holiday on the horizon. What emotional set up do you have in terms of contact if their father tells you a couple of weeks before usually? Surely they will have been excited for weeks, why don't you know?

Notodaynotever · 13/06/2022 17:12

I understand on this occasion he asked them not to mention it but you said it was a custom. There must be a great distance between you surely. When my children are going on holiday everyone knows!

Did you invite them on your holidays? Your children, I mean?

DixonD · 13/06/2022 17:34

Notodaynotever · 13/06/2022 17:09

What kind of relationship do you have with your youngest that she wouldn't want to tell you all the details of a holiday on the horizon. What emotional set up do you have in terms of contact if their father tells you a couple of weeks before usually? Surely they will have been excited for weeks, why don't you know?

This. It’s really odd that your daughter hasn’t told you. Do you not see her regularly?

MargosKaftan · 13/06/2022 18:27

It must be hard to realise this "family holiday" doesn't include you, but does include your dds. Its more that they have a large extended family that doesn't involve you.

But try to be positive, your ex and his wife have blended their 2 families and their joint dcs together so well, they have kept good relationships with her ex so your dcs don't have the feeling of being outsiders, and their step siblings feel equally comfortable.

rowkaza · 13/06/2022 18:32

Why don't you book a holiday for your daughters and also invite your ex and his family?

Midlifemusings · 13/06/2022 18:36

Given your view he is a crap husband - I can see why he hasn't invited you. He probably wants to holiday with people who like who he is.

aloris · 13/06/2022 18:37

"according to my daughter her SM’s ex is going as it will be nice for the kids to have all their parents there together."

Yeah, that IS hurtful, because "have all their parents there together" does not include you. It's like you are not a real parent to your daughters. Considering your daughters also never go on holiday all together with you, I'm sure it hurts double. Very sorry you've been hurt like this.

Midlifemusings · 13/06/2022 18:38

Is there any reason your daughter lives with her dad (beyond it was just in her best interest / what she wanted)?

How often do you see her?

Stompythedinosaur · 13/06/2022 18:41

I don't think you have any reason to expect to be invited. Definitely don't mention it!

Can you make your own holiday plans with your dc?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/06/2022 18:45

I know it's not reasonable but I would hate it too. It's like everyone you know having a party next door and you aren't invited. Even when you understand why, it does suck a bit.

Ponoka7 · 13/06/2022 18:49

It wouldn't bother me not to be invited. I would be hurt that all of my children kept the holiday from me. Thinking about this completely honestly did they have good reason for doing that? Looking at all the relationships involved, what's been going on behind the scenes and why?

JellyBellyNelly · 13/06/2022 18:55

Op, I’m sorry to say this but it sounds as if things are not as ‘grown up and hunky dory’ as you thought they were with your Ex and all of the other couples involved. It doesn’t mean to say that it’s your fault though. It could just be that it’s them who can’t cope with the intensity of the situation.

I think the person I’d be most disappointed in is my adult daughters who didn’t say to their dad - you have till Monday (or whatever) to tell mum or we will as this tiptoeing around is destructive.

whilst they’re all away could you take the time to have a think about things and perhaps take steps to loosen all of these umbilical type cords that are keeping you all entwined to various degrees.

Original poster
BlueAce73 · 13/06/2022 18:55

The older girls were asked not to mention it until their Dad had spoken to me, my youngest daughter did say they were going away but didn’t know much about the details & she’s never really that bothered about things like that so it’s not something I would expect her to be hugely excited about & talk about, it’s not something she’s ever done with previous holidays. I asked my youngest if she wanted to come with us in October but she said no & she would prefer to house sit with the dog! Which we’re fine with. Not that is at all relevant but we all live about a mile apart & I see her frequently.

OP posts:
JellyBellyNelly · 13/06/2022 18:56

Ponoka7 · 13/06/2022 18:49

It wouldn't bother me not to be invited. I would be hurt that all of my children kept the holiday from me. Thinking about this completely honestly did they have good reason for doing that? Looking at all the relationships involved, what's been going on behind the scenes and why?

Yes. I agree. What has been gong on behind the scenes. Not that I think the daughters are involved in goings on - just the married couples.

AngelinaFibres · 13/06/2022 18:57

12Thorns · 13/06/2022 11:02

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and you are well out of it

This. Absolute hell on earth

Original poster
BlueAce73 · 13/06/2022 19:02

I understand that a lot of people don’t/won’t get why ex’s can be on friendly terms but this ‘set up’ has worked for us for many years with no problems and as I said previously we used to go on weekend breaks together when girls were younger & it was great fun

OP posts:
rowkaza · 13/06/2022 19:03

Do you get on well with your daughters op?

Do they get on well with your husband?

I don't understand why they'll go on holiday with your ex but won't go with you.

SlatsandFlaps · 13/06/2022 19:04

I think a few of the posters who have said YABU have missed the fact that all 3 of your daughters & their partners & kids are going as well.

By the way, just out of curiosity & for context, why did your youngest move in with your ex at 11? Was she unhappy at home?

JellyBellyNelly · 13/06/2022 19:05

BlueAce73 · 13/06/2022 19:02

I understand that a lot of people don’t/won’t get why ex’s can be on friendly terms but this ‘set up’ has worked for us for many years with no problems and as I said previously we used to go on weekend breaks together when girls were younger & it was great fun

Op, who would go on the breaks the children were younger?

and is it possible that your daughter living with her dad etc has now changed the dynamics and as I said before - it’s not so hunky dory anymore.

Howshouldibehave · 13/06/2022 19:06

Why won’t your daughters go on holiday with you-that’s a bit sad?

SlatsandFlaps · 13/06/2022 19:08

I would be annoyed at the daughters though. Deliberately excluding anyone from anyone at any age is cruel & unacceptable. The fact that any of the group were instructed to keep it from OP for a period of time, signals to me that there was definitely believed to be an assumption for OP to potentially be included in such a group arrangement.

Bang out of order for them to do this to you OP Flowers

JellyBellyNelly · 13/06/2022 19:10

SlatsandFlaps · 13/06/2022 19:08

I would be annoyed at the daughters though. Deliberately excluding anyone from anyone at any age is cruel & unacceptable. The fact that any of the group were instructed to keep it from OP for a period of time, signals to me that there was definitely believed to be an assumption for OP to potentially be included in such a group arrangement.

Bang out of order for them to do this to you OP Flowers

yes.

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