To feel hurt about being excluded

[BlueAce73]

My ex & I have 3 daughters, 2 are now adults & youngest is 15 & since she was 11 has lived with her Father & SM. We divorced many years ago & have both remarried, I chose not to have any more children but ex has 2 daughters with his now wife & she has a 2 sons from a previous relationship her ex & my ex are fairly good friends as they used yo work together & I know that my ex & his wife socialise with her ex & his now wife sometimes. I’ve found out from my oldest daughter that in 2 weeks a big family holiday abroad is booked for 2 weeks which includes my ex his & his wife and all 3 of out daughters & their partners & children plus her ex his wife & their kids & 2 of my close friends and their families. Although I don’t have any right to be included I feel really hurt that not only was I not told but wasn’t invite. My ex & I get on very well & I have a good relationship with his wife (absolutely no animosity anywhere) . I haven’t said anything yet because usually my ex lets me know before they go away so I expect I’ll hear imminently but I feel so upset that I was excluded but feel silly saying so to my ex as he may not have even thought about it.

As my older daughters are adults I wouldn’t usually invite them (I wouldn’t go on holiday with my mum as a young adult) neither of them live at home any more & my 15 yo didn’t want to as it’s just me & my husband so she said it will be boring as we no longer go to beach type resorts or package holidays plus her Dad has 2 daughters (her half sisters) so it’s probably much more fun for her.

It is totally understandable to feel a bit excluded and hurt. But you know yourself they don't owe it to you to invite you so you'll just have to lick your wounds for a bit then move on.

Couldn’t you organise a more ‘fun’ type holiday that all of your daughters would like to join you on, if that’s what you want?

Op, I’m really trying my best to try and make some kind of sense of this for you so you’re not hurt any more than you already are but your last post kind of speaks volumes.

You don’t invite your eldest daughters to come along on holiday because you wouldn’t go on holiday with your mum.

and the your youngest won’t go with you because you don’t do beach or package type holidays and she says it will be boring.

Can I very gently suggest that it does seem to be about you and perhaps your eldest daughters would have liked to be asked by you if they fancied a wee holiday away with you - you could all have paid your own way.

And would it really hurt to do a holiday that your youngest would enjoy?

You’ve missed the boat her Op and you could have been away with your children or getting ready to go without your ex being involved. Your holiday with your girls and your husband.

One of my daughters lives many miles away & I know she wouldn’t come as I had previously asked her pre covid & she said no & my eldest wouldn’t be able to go if she was paying for herself & family. My youngest just doesn’t want to go with the two of us as she says she’ll get bored so that’s fair enough I’m not going to guilt them into coming it’s their choice & I’m not hurt that they are going as I understand why they want to although the fact that they didn’t mention it on purpose irks me slightly but not enough to be cross with them

It seems like you are the only parent excluded and as they were told not to tell you as it was a deliberate act. This is what probably hurts that you are not seen as a relevant parent in the mix of blended families and friends. I wonder if this is because your child doesn’t live with you?

I honestly don’t think it’s because she doesn’t live with me, we see each other so often & she’s in & out as she pleases, we always get invited to birthday parties/celebrations or family group BBQ’s etc. If we didn’t have the relationship we do then I wouldn’t care less tbh & nobody has recently had a falling out with us or anything. Ultimately we’re not invited so will have to and will get over it I would just like to understand the reason if at all there was any but the fact it seems like it was a secret implies that there is. My husband couldn’t care less so maybe I’m overly sensitive

YANBU - keeping it hush hush deliberately shows that your ex realises this too.

*I wonder if this is because your child doesn’t live with you?’

I thought this was a possibility and somewhere along the line the Op hasn’t realized it or been told.

Op, you must be feeling awful and I’m sorry that you are but this might just be for the best in the long run.

I think it sounds a bit like when you do things with one set of in laws but not the other, even though they might know each other a bit. Nothing personal necessarily, the relationships are just seperate.

It does sound like the other side exH is closer than you are - so for those 2 sets of parents to go on holiday with their joint dcs then dcs they have with their other partners (and then step dcs), and it just snowballed, but while they get on with you, the 2 couples planning their trip (your ex& his wife and her ex and his wife) don't see you as family or a close friend.

And well, you're not. You are related to some of the kids, you get on OK with the couples who are organising their joint holiday, but you are not their family or their close friend.

To put another way, you said your adult dds are going with their partners. Your dds partners are seen as part of the family too, but their mums haven't been invited.

So who is paying for this big holiday? Is the ex paying for your daughters?

I'd guess that if you could afford to pay for them all and chose a suitable resort they would go on holiday with you too?

I assume their Dad is paying for them but I haven’t asked, it would surprise me if he wasn’t

It isn’t just about the OP and her ex-H though, he has a DW who presumably has a view. And many women would really want to share their main summer holiday with their husband’s ex wife, even if they were amicable on day to day terms? I can imagine the MN post from the other side: “DH and I have arranged for a big family holiday with my adult DSC and their partners. But now his ex wife has said she’s upset she and her DH haven’t been invited. I like the woman well enough, but the children are adults now and so the whole dynamic of us all as a “family unit” has changed and I don’t really want to holiday with her, AIBU?”

There’s a difference between inviting OP along when the DC were young children and having their mother around will have e.g. helped with settling and stabilising them, but they’re adults / older teens now and can have an independent relationship of their own making with their father and step mother.

we always get invited to birthday parties/celebrations or family group BBQ’s etc.

How often do you invite them to things that you organise?