Do you have sleep in separate bedrooms?

[sleepysleepybed]

Do you and your partner share a bed or do you have separate bedrooms?

It's quite the taboo so I have no idea how normal or not this is. Disturbed sleep brought an end to our bed sharing and surprisingly we are both much much happier for it. But I feel like that doesn't sound normal!

Couple relations are probably better than before so no complaints there either.

Anyone else? Do you keep it a secret or are you open about it if the topic crops up?

We don't, I think I'd find it quite lonely. I'm an insomniac and I'm usually up and down all night, thankfully DH can sleep through anything.

We both snore so we prefer to be separate. My CPAP actually stops me snoring but it blows air at DH, which he finds just as annoying.

The downsides are that DH ends up sleeping and working in one room, like a student, and it makes holidays trickier.

It is weirdly taboo.

@TheNeverEndingSt0ry

I think you could be on to something there in terms of why it may be a taboo. From my perspective I think I wouldn't want to openly discuss in case people think it means we are having issues in our relationship when in fact that couldn't be further from the truth.

No never. We agreed before we had children that we wanted to make sure that we’d do everything possible to make sure we never sleep apart.

We still fall asleep holding each other, I couldn’t bear to be going to sleep in a different room if we were in the same house.

without seperate rooms many people won’t survive let alone their marriages. When snoring, sleep apnea, perimenopausaul night sweats, increasing insomnia with older age strike you have to be pragmatic otherwise your marriage will break down due to at least one of you being sleep deprived and non functioning
I think it is how it is done that causes the issues- couples need to talk…they need to agree how to keep intimacy going even if they sleep seperately. For many people sex at bed time or early morning is not an ideal so it’s about forming habits that don’t associate the 2. Similarly if you both enjoy that lazy morning in bed together then keep that going…form habits of who will go to whose bed and when and what for.
yes it’s a taboo becuase people assume no bed sharing= no intimacy, but if you can get over that and work out when you will have intimacy..stuff what anyone else thinks …you’ll both be happier and saner for it…..

Just asking..how old are you and how many kids?

I co sleep with our toddler. Technically DH can squeeze in, but his snoring wakes me up and then the toddler is unsettled.
I sneak away in the morning for a cuddle, and we make sure we are still affectionate in our day to day.
Works for us!

We often sleep apart a couple of nights midweek. Anxiety about work makes it hard for me to sleep then his snoring makes it impossible. Weekends I find it much easier to sleep before the snoring starts

I can see the advantages if you have disturbed sleep but it wouldn't work for me, I'd feel there was something missing in my marriage plus I've got three teenage kids so a 5 bedroom house where I live would cost £2-£3m , easy.

Two children, I’m middle-aged, and we’ve been together sixteen years.

We do about half the time - we're both awful sleepers (both snore, I have night terrors and wake a lot in the night, he sleeps very lightly and wakes very early). We often go to bed together to fall asleep together and then one of us will creep off to the spare room whenever needed.

It bothered me at first for all the reasons PP have said - I was convinced it said something terrible about our relationship. Now we're both perfectly happy with it and we get better sleep this way. It's never affected sex (we don't tend to have sex at bedtime as a rule anyway) and we've always been quite affectionate, so really the only thing that's changed is we don't wake up together every morning - but if he wakes first he'll make a cup of tea and bring it to me, if I wake first I'll go and get in with him. So still nice morning routines.

I share a bedroom with my DP because in general we don't really disrupt each other's sleep. He's a terrible snorer but weirdly I've just got used to it and it doesn't keep me awake any more. I tend to listen to podcasts or audiobooks as I fall asleep, but I do that using sleep headphones so that doesn't disturb DP either.

However, if we slept better apart, then I would be absolutely fine with us having separate rooms. If one of us is ill, the ill person tends to decamp to the spare room for both our sakes.

I think more couples sleep apart than they actually let on - I think people worry that if they say they sleep apart, people will think they're in a loveless and/or sexless relationship, so they keep quiet about it. But for most couples who sleep apart it's just about comfort and sleep patterns, nothing to do with the state of their relationship.

We do. DH snores and I'm a light sleeper. I was kept up if we go on holiday and have to share a bed.

DH and I have always slept in different rooms, even when we had a smaller house, and not enough bedrooms. I'm a light sleeper and he snores, so I would have killed him by now if we didn't. My parents did the same thing. I don't know why it's so taboo.

Totally fine and up to you, obviously - but I'm curious as to why this one thing is so important to you that you made an agreement before you had children and why you 'couldn't bear' to sleep in another room in the house under any circumstances.

For example, if one of you had flu or a tummy bug, would you still 'go to sleep holding each other' then?! Would the ill person not want to have a temperature and throw up and toss and turn and cough in peace? I love my DP with every breath in my body but I would find it smothering and gross to have someone wanting to 'go to sleep holding me' if I had flu or something like that. The thought of it is making me feel genuinely anxious and claustrophobic.

Not judging or anything, we should all do whatever works for us - I'm just genuinely interested to know why this particular thing was so important that you made a pact!

Yes, we slept apart from March 2020 until recently, after we both caught Covid and were coughing and splattering. I loved not being woken up at night by him or the dog and it meant I could sleep in and he could work in bed play on his laptop. But sometimes as I got better I felt a bit lonely, although still appreciating the better sleep quality. Recently we had to share a bed somewhere and have continued at home. The dog is happy to have me back and DH has gone back to no laptop in the bedroom. It's been OK but I would go back to separate rooms if my.sleep was suffering. So yes, over two years of sleeping apart and I would never have told anyone.

*spluttering!

We sleep separately now. DH has health issues that mean he gets up during the night plus he snores. Also he goes to bed early and gets up early. I go to bed late and enjoy a lie in. We do visit each other as we both enjoy a cuddle and its also where we talk about more personal/intimate matters. It's not unusual for either of us to slip in beside the other for a cuddle go to sleep alone, wake together.

Loads of people do this. Don't stress, just do what suits you

Yep, we’ve been together 27 years, both 50. Since going through the menopause 4 years ago we’ve slept separately.

I'd love to do this but we don't have the room. Nothing wrong with our relationship and he very rarely disturbs my sleep. I'd just like a bit more room and I'm not keen on being touched or stroked. I find it irritating. I think my husband would also like the space but might feel a bit like I was rejecting him after a while.

We do mostly these days due to pregnancy discomfort/DC/co-sleeping and stuff. Can't say it's made any difference, we managed to conceive DC2 after all I'm not a 'social' sleeper - I don't like to be cuddled when I'm sleeping and I get too hot a lot and like to spread out. We do have a super king which helps, but it's easier to get space in it from a 3yo than a 6ft 4, 20-stone man!

Once DC are past the co-sleeping stage then we will probably move back in together, unless we are both totally set in our ways by then!

We do most of the time - combination of my snoring and DH insomnia / restlessness / relaxing sounds on his phone which put me on edge. We're lucky in that we have a fairly large house so the spare room I use still leaves our offices free.

We've probably done this more regularly over the past couple of years, as perimenopause and hot all over body flushes have impacted me. I do tend to jump into the 'main' bed most days, either when DH goes to bed or first thing in the morning for a bit. Not necessarily for sex, could be to listen to a podcast or read together for a bit, or have a snuggle and chat. WFH has definitely enabled the morning bedhopping as not rushing of for train / bus etc.

I must admit it's not something I've explicitly told people about, though I would be honest if it came up in conversation. If we have house guests (probably every other month or so as have some family / close friends at a distance), then we're happy to share a bed. We also always share a bed on holidays / short breaks, never felt the need to book twin beds.

Oh and we have a camper van 😁so used to sharing a MUCH smaller space...though we wouldn't tend to do a van trip of longer than 2 weeks without perhaps having one or two nights in an air bnb at the end depending on the trip.

Very long way of going about saying I don't keep it secret...

We do this, have done for around 5 years, and our relationship is all good. We both sleep so much better when we have our own space.

The taboo around it is weird though. When we first started sleeping separately I found myself moving the pillows into one of the beds before the cleaner came over, so it would look like we sleep together! Which is odd as it’s 100% something I’m not ashamed of.

OP my hunch is that sleeping separately is a lot more common than you’d suspect. It’s just that it’s quite a private thing so many people won’t discuss it with friends, family etc. Also there still a lingering sense that it’s something to be ashamed of, and I think some people see it as one step towards divorce.

I think it can actually be a healthy sign of a strong relationship - two people who are secure in their relationship and also secure as individuals and prioritise their individual needs e.g. to sleep, own space etc.

Separate rooms is bliss ! I had suffered years of snoring.