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Original poster

Asking my 14yo to go to bed at 10

101 replies

Tereo · 13/06/2022 06:43

My 14 yo is on holidays and starting a sailing camp with his friends today. We spent yesterday getting ready buying him wetsuit etc.
We haven't told him or his brother to go to bed since school broke up and they've had some very late nights in recent days so last night I told him to go to bed at 10 in preparation for early start/sailing today.
He was straightaway so rude and refused to go saying it was demeaning to be asked to go to bed and said 'fuck you'... We lost our cool roared at him to get to bed and took his phone out of his room for night to recharge in kitchen.
As soon as we went back to bed, he went down to get phone and stay up. We left him as not sure how you make a 14 do something??
He went to bed at 12 in the end feeling very righteous that we d been in the wrong asking him to go to bed.
What do I say today?

OP posts:
CoralPaperweight · 13/06/2022 08:17

Oh going against the grain here but I don't think removal of devices is always the best option when teaching natural consequences. Can lead to added defiance with the 'I don't care, do what you like' ... some kids are able to brazen it out, or go round to friends to play, or use other devices for gaming.

Personally OP I would have said OK - his choice when goes to bed but has to get himself up in plenty of time and cannot complain about being tired. The swearing I would address calmly and give him a pass if it is the first time he's done it, but make it v clear what future consequences will be.

Dajeeling · 13/06/2022 08:19

Christ almighty, I’ve read it all now. No wonder we are raising such entitled little shits these days.

’ask his opinion’… excuse me? He’s told you to fuck off after being told that the phone- one that you pay for- has to go away for the evening to give him a good rest for a very expensive activity for his benefit. Start being a parent. Are you sure you aren’t a newish stepmother etc?

Dajeeling · 13/06/2022 08:23

I mean that in no disrespect to step

Dajeeling · 13/06/2022 08:24

… parents by the way… it’s just the only way I could understand some of your responses here and how you have dealt with this so far.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/06/2022 08:28

His behaviour was completely unacceptable. I wouldn’t be having any of my teenagers saying fuck you to me without severe consequences. I’d also be talking to them about how hurt I was and how disrespectful it was. Then we’d discuss consequences-& yes, losing PS time would be effective.
I’d explain my reasoning for requesting bedtime; tbh I have to tell my 16 year old to go to bed else he literally would be up half the night if left to his own devices-& he wouldn’t care that he was tired the next day. 🤷‍♀️
As you pay for the phone, can you remove his screen time remotely from your account? I can with my DS’s. Go into settings, then in screen time, scroll down to their name and yo can turn it off there-saves any possibility for physical removing of phones and they can still use the alarm etc.
and no more roaring-talking otherwise you are in for a whole heap of trouble over the next few years-I can’t believe that he was no trouble ever before and his first go to would be a fuck you! I think you have been letting low level stuff slide unnoticed and you have to stop that.

TeeBee · 13/06/2022 08:31

Sweet mother of god. I have two teenage sons (17 and 19) and am a single mother and if either of them spoke to me that way there would be absolute hell to pay! Teenagers push boundaries...that's how they learn. He needs to learn pretty damn quick that he has stepped way way over the acceptable boundary. I'm a big proponent of natural consequences. So he can't be trusted to go to bed in time to attend a trip, he's not mature enough to go on the trip. He disobeyed you about the phone, phone is removed. You know kids can survive without a phone right? I think you need to come down very hard on this and don't budge...do not flinch. He needs this lesson to feel safe. He needs to know you both have his back and will not tolerate him going off the rails. Kids should not be allowed to free fall. I've been through this disrespectful stage and, trust me, a handful of times of being absolutely clear in what is/isn't acceptable behaviour will be enough for him to learn. It might feel difficult for you but this is what parenting requires.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 13/06/2022 08:37

I never really tell Dd (14) to go to bed but I advise her. I think you have to let teens think they’re in control. If she swore at me there would be consequences. Phones stay downstairs at bedtime here anyway though.

LizzieSiddal · 13/06/2022 08:41

I would have a very cam, short chat with him tonight. Say that whatever he thought of you saying he had to go to bed, his response was totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Say he owes you an apology. I’d then be quiet and see what he says. If he’s contrite and apologies straight away, I’d be inclined to accept that and leave things there. If he kicks off again I’d take away the play station.

i think in life we all over text sometimes and if he has realised that he needs to have a chance to redeem himself without punishment. Oh remember my own DD telling me to fuck if when her was around 14, I knew how I reacted woud be v important. So I calmed down and resisted the urge to start yelling at her.

SolasAnla · 13/06/2022 08:46

Tereo · 13/06/2022 07:00

I can't really cancel sailing have already spent money he s organised to go with 2 mates.
And the phone necessary for arranging lifts etc.
So will I take PlayStation away til he changes his attitude and apologieses??

guilty of RTT but...

No he has no need for a phone to arrange lifts etc. He can survive by going old style as if you had a fixed land line.

Calls can be done under your supervision and him arranging a time and place and heading out with a watch and old fashioned map.👍

Remember the primary function of any communication device you pay for is to make your life easier if it makes his life easier its a bonus, he earns the use by sticking within the boundries of what you and DH agree as acceptable.
You and DH need to agree on some what ifs, for further bad language and actions. Neither of you have made it clear that that abusive language won't be accepted or that games of one upmanship will not be accepted. When you punish him, he serves the sentence and hopefully learns and moves on. I would focus on getting him to explain back to you why he is being punished and why you picked punishment X over him just saying sorry.

SofiaSoFar · 13/06/2022 09:06

Is this real??

He said "Fuck you!" And you're still letting him go on his sailing trip?!

It doesn't matter about the money - that's gone, it's a sunk cost whether he goes or not - and you'd get better value from it by showing him that his actions have consequences and that money being spent doesn't change that fact.

There's no way on god's earth that a child of mine would speak to me like that and get an extravagant treat tue next day. No way.

You're making a rod for your own back here, OP. You really are.

dottieautie · 13/06/2022 09:10

Replace the smart phone with an old Nokia 3310 so he can only call/text friends to arrange lifts, nothing more. Remove that at the end of the day. Works for my eldest. The shame of the brick has really helped created a more compliant teen.

HouseyHouse21 · 13/06/2022 09:18

Too late now, but I really don't think he should have been allowed to go sailing. He should have had to explain to his friends why he wasn't allowed to come. The money was spent anyway, and would have been an investment in terms of teaching him a valuable lesson.

Otherwise you're showing him that he can be as disrespectful as he likes and not only will there be no consequences, but he actually gets fun treats as a reward.

As backup, you could also get a cheap brick phone so he can still make calls and send texts when needed. If you're worried about removing his (presumably) smartphone...

TrashyPanda · 13/06/2022 09:23

What do you say?

you tell him his behaviour was unacceptable - both the swearing and the deliberate defiance.

you tell him your parenting has been too lax and that, as a consequence, things are going to change.

you cancel the sailing course and return the wetsuit. And take the phone and the PS.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 13/06/2022 09:26

@coffeecupsandfairylights

Im with you. It’s the holidays, he’s a teen. They go to bed late. I wouldn’t have even had a battle over it. I would just have said ‘You might want to go to bed a bit earlier tonight’

If he didn’t, it’s his look out really. He’ll probably be knackered but might not be.

Mischance · 13/06/2022 09:30

I can see that an expensive activity might be difficult to pull back on.

However, before he goes I would be telling him that his behaviour was totally unacceptable, and he must never t4ell someone to FO, never mind his parents.

Tell him that when he gets back from sailing x,y,z, will be his punishment. He absolutely should not get away with the bad manners.

However ....... the rule with teenagers is to pick your battles and this was a pretty trivial thing that blew up into this major row. Did it really matter that he should go to bed at 10? What is his usual bedtime?

crossstitchingnana · 13/06/2022 09:33

It sounds like you may need to apologise too "lost out cool." We can't parent teens the same way as younger children and the idea of you or him "winning" should be binned off straight away. With bedtimes for eg I found negotiations worked well, listening to their logic it often made sense. With hindsight, if he had have chosen to go at 12 he would have been tired today. Now he's tired and there's been a big fallout.

Speak to him calmly about it, telling him how you feel, and ask him what he thinks an appropriate consequence of rudeness should be. At 14 he does need to start being more in charge of bedtimes etc but it is a good idea to keep phones out of bedrooms at night. Ours weee aloud theirs once they had done their GCSEs. If they aren't given the opportunity to learn bedtimes and phone management they won't get it.

Teenage years are tough, mine literally nearly broke me, but I found the sentiment of "pick your battles" invaluable.

Good luck.

newrubylane · 13/06/2022 09:54

I think the consequences for the initial swearing were reasonable - it sounds very heat of the moment and you would hope instantly regretted. The sneaking down and taking the phone is much more calculated and defiant, and I'd treat this much more seriously.

frydae · 13/06/2022 10:06

It's not clear if you told him earlier in the day he was expected to go to bed at 10 or if you told him around that time, but I do think suddenly imposing a previously removed bedtime wasn't the right thing to do. At 14 they are starting to learn natural consequences and if he goes to bed late, he may or may not be tired next day. Even if he is a bit tired it's him who has to get through it and the majority of teens do manage just fine. That's said his reaction was out of line, the swearing at you is a no but the defiance of taking his phone was much worse. It does sound like you are a bit unsure of what to do, added to the fact that you didn't enforce the phone thing, maybe he is simply playing on a weakness here?

Talk to him maturely later, perhaps you were a bit OTT with the bedtime but you won't be spoken to like that, and for what he did taking the phone he will be punished. End it with a ' I love you and don't want to get into endless battles with you, please respect me and I will respect you'

axolotlfloof · 13/06/2022 10:22

I imagine he feels aggrieved as you lost your cool.
I find once we shout it is much harder to claim the moral high ground.

Mally100 · 13/06/2022 10:34

LittleBirdBlu · 13/06/2022 06:47

Also wouldn't be doing the sailing course if he was my child. It's the 'fuck you' and the getting the phone and staying up. So disrespectful!

This. No child of mine will dare speak to me like that. Little shit, who does he think he is.

FanSpamTastic · 13/06/2022 12:10

I have a 15 year old son. Last time he was rude to me I took away all the plugs to his PlayStation, phone etc and I switched the Wi-Fi off! He apologised the next day and seems to have learned his lesson!

Tackle this now before he gets too big. My son is nearly a foot taller than me now but he knows not to mess with me and that I follow through on punishments!

booboo24 · 13/06/2022 12:25

10pm is my 14 year oldest bed time, she gives me her phone to charge at ned time, it NEVER stays in her room overnight.

If she dared to swear at me like that and blatantly disregarded the rules it would be taken away along with all other devices. She tried this once and she lost her phone for a month. (She had a much nicer time as she was downstairs more and therefore interacted with us more!) She is autistic but she still manages ro learn respect. She hasn't pushed the boundaries like that since.

If you don't come down hard on this he'll continue to walk all over you

booboo24 · 13/06/2022 12:26

Sorry I should have proof read that but you get the gist!!! I'm at work so was typing fast!

Littleorangeflowers · 13/06/2022 12:26

Natural consequence - tired for sailing

For the swearing at you - take WiFi password for 24hrs

Talk with him

Littleorangeflowers · 13/06/2022 12:27

Reinforce rule: no phone overnight and put it somewhere where he can't get it?!