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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking my 14yo to go to bed at 10

101 replies

Tereo · 13/06/2022 06:43

My 14 yo is on holidays and starting a sailing camp with his friends today. We spent yesterday getting ready buying him wetsuit etc.
We haven't told him or his brother to go to bed since school broke up and they've had some very late nights in recent days so last night I told him to go to bed at 10 in preparation for early start/sailing today.
He was straightaway so rude and refused to go saying it was demeaning to be asked to go to bed and said 'fuck you'... We lost our cool roared at him to get to bed and took his phone out of his room for night to recharge in kitchen.
As soon as we went back to bed, he went down to get phone and stay up. We left him as not sure how you make a 14 do something??
He went to bed at 12 in the end feeling very righteous that we d been in the wrong asking him to go to bed.
What do I say today?

OP posts:

ChewOnAPickle · 13/06/2022 07:23

Swap his lovely smartphone for a Nokia brick, that still makes calls and he can text but that is it, no internet. Go and buy that today. That is how you deal with the phone issue. Don't forewarn him, buy it and when he hands over the phone tonight he doesn't get that one back.

Original poster

Tereo · 13/06/2022 07:24

I'll say 7 days PlayStation and no phone once home... Tbh he hardly uses his phone but he spends a lot of time on PlayStation

I'll ask for his opinion first ...

OP posts:

Itloggedmeoutagain · 13/06/2022 07:27

He can have a basic pay as you go phone with no Internet for lifts if he's going to disrespect you like that. He doesn't need an all singing all dancing phone. He wouldn't be going to sailing club either

ChiselandBits · 13/06/2022 07:29

Why??? Why would you ask his opinion on this? You're inviting him to tell you you're wrong, too harsh, overreacting. He told you, his most immediate family and caregiver 'fuck you'. That is huge. Huge. I get why you're not cancelling sailing when it involves friends but a massive chat, with dad present too, a proper sit down meeting and no PS for a week minimum with immaculate behaviour and manners if he wants it back. And no smartphone, because he may not use it now but he will if the ps is gone.

carefullycourageous · 13/06/2022 07:29

I would have talked with him about needing to sleep for the sailing course, explained I wanted the phone switched off, and said he had to go upstairs. I also would have been clear that at 14 I couldn't control when he sleeps so I was leaving him to make his own choice, but that it might be wise to sleep before sailing.

For taking the phone back and being rude, he needs a consequence as discussed above.

You should apologise for shouting to model better behaviour.

onelittlefrog · 13/06/2022 07:30

Definitely take the PS away and tell him he came very close to having the sailing cancelled as well.

Nokia phone swap is a good idea too.

In future I would probably not tell him to go to bed/ it's bedtime (at 14 he possibly is a bit old for that). But tell him to be in his room by 10pm and turn off the internet after that time.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/06/2022 07:30

It might be an unpopular opinion but I really don't think this was a battle worth fighting.

You haven't enforced a bedtime for ages and then tried doing it at the last minute on a night before he had exciting plans with his mates. Of course he rebelled (though the swearing is unacceptable) and you ended up (in your own words) roaring at him and not following through anyway.

I would deal with the swearing and him taking back his phone, but I think in the future if you want to enforce a bedtime it needs to be a discussion you have beforehand, not something dropped on him last minute.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 13/06/2022 07:31

Tereo · 13/06/2022 07:24

I'll say 7 days PlayStation and no phone once home... Tbh he hardly uses his phone but he spends a lot of time on PlayStation

I'll ask for his opinion first ...

His opinion is irrelevant
You are the adult

stuntbubbles · 13/06/2022 07:32

Tereo · 13/06/2022 07:24

I'll say 7 days PlayStation and no phone once home... Tbh he hardly uses his phone but he spends a lot of time on PlayStation

I'll ask for his opinion first ...

Why are you asking him for his opinion? He’s 14, he doesn’t get an opinion on this.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 13/06/2022 07:35

"I'll ask for his opinion"

No wonder he's able to walk all over you and be so disrespectful! Children don't get an opinion on appropriate punishment after behaving so appallingly! Stop being a door mat and be a parent.

Cherryblossoms85 · 13/06/2022 07:37

Interesting that you think he hardly uses his phone, given he went to get it at night.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 13/06/2022 07:38

"I'll ask for his opinion"

WHY!!!

carefullycourageous · 13/06/2022 07:39

Cherryblossoms85 · 13/06/2022 07:37

Interesting that you think he hardly uses his phone, given he went to get it at night.

Yes this sounds like the phone use is much mroe intense than the OP thought.

We never had phones in rooms overnight.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 13/06/2022 07:39

You'll ask his opinion about what? You sound like you're letting him walk all over you.

KyaClark · 13/06/2022 07:41

This is very strange. Are you scared of punishing your child?

Cstring · 13/06/2022 07:47

Ask his option on what?
I wouldn’t be asking his opinion on anything after that disrespect. You need to be telling him what’s happening after this.
I would just calmly and without warning take his PS and give him the basic phone until further notice, then in a few days have a serious talk about disrespect.
I wouldn’t have let him get his phone back last night either, you should have taken off him for a second time.
I’m a mum to teenage boys and you really can’t let them dictate what’s happening in the house!

WiseRobin · 13/06/2022 07:59

I agree that trying to enforce an early bedtime out of the blue wasn’t the best decision.

OP has stated that before the ‘fuck you’ comment she’s had no trouble with her 14 year old and she openly admits that they ‘roared’ at him.

I think a good talk about boundaries and unacceptable behaviour is needed once everyone is calm. I think the suggestions of cancelling sailing club are extreme, I think even the removal of the PS shouldn’t happen, as this whole scenario was born out of a bad decision.

I’m definitely one of the ‘pick your battles’ corner.

WonderingWanda · 13/06/2022 08:00

Hi op, sounds like you've got a plan for a consequence for his rudeness. I was just wondering about the phone in the bedroom. You said that you took it downstairs to charge for the night, is it usually in his room at night or is the expectation it's charged elsewhere? If the former please consider making it a rule that he doesn't have it overnight. I teach a lot of teens who are tired because they are online at all hours of the night messaging one another, watching tik tok etc when their brains should be having some down time.

Original poster

Tereo · 13/06/2022 08:02

I was just replying to pp who said ask his opinion on his behaviour first.. Although I think he may just throw that back in my face so won't on second thoughts.

OP posts:

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 13/06/2022 08:05

Tereo · 13/06/2022 07:24

I'll say 7 days PlayStation and no phone once home... Tbh he hardly uses his phone but he spends a lot of time on PlayStation

I'll ask for his opinion first ...

Why on earth are you asking his opinion?

He doesn't get to choose!

Beamur · 13/06/2022 08:10

If he isn't normally like this I wouldn't go nuclear on punishment.
I would wait for a quiet calm moment and have a conversation - point out that an early night was in his interest as he had a busy and tiring event the next day. His reaction was not acceptable and if it happens again there will be consequences. Politeness is not optional.

harriethoyle · 13/06/2022 08:10

Tereo · 13/06/2022 07:24

I'll say 7 days PlayStation and no phone once home... Tbh he hardly uses his phone but he spends a lot of time on PlayStation

I'll ask for his opinion first ...

Oh my God. Just bloody parent, FGS. Ask his opinion?!

orangeisthenewpuce · 13/06/2022 08:12

When removing a phone always keep it in your room. I'd be removing it again this morning.

Spanielsarepainless · 13/06/2022 08:16

I was always in bed by 10.00 at 18! And I sailed three days a week. His behaviour requires sanctions. We never used wetsuits this time of year so I would lock it somewhere and keep the key about your person.

12Thorns · 13/06/2022 08:17

Nothing wrong with a discussion with him about his behaviour. He might agree that the play station embargo and Nokia brick phone are fair. He also needs a set bedtime

good on you op. You are doing the right thing

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