To ask parents who have previously taken drugs how they talk to their DC about drugs?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

So my DD is currently 11: probably (hopefully) too young for me to be overly concerned about this. But wondering how to have the conversation for the future.

I took drugs recreationally for about 15 years. Mainly weed, a bit of MDMA and other "party drugs" and occasionally some coke. I'm not particularly proud of this (and I don't do it at all now, haven't done since DD was born). But by the same token if I'm honest I didn't have any significant problems as a result of drug use. Never became addicted to anything and never developed any serious health problems. And actually sometimes they were fun. The only real regret attached to them was the waste of money and time and the fact that I may have put myself in potentially risky situations.

My own position on drugs today is that the "soft" illegal drugs are largely no worse than alcohol. I don't take them any more but I know from past experience and from reading around the topic widely that weed is (for most people) fairly safe. I also know that while there are risks around coke and MDMA and they are not drugs people should take lightly or routinely, it is perfectly possible for people to use them without long term health issues and many do. I am however fiercely anti heroin and other opiates as I know they have the potential to destroy lives like few other drugs (I have seen this happen to people) and will be extremely hard line about this with my daughter.

My strong preference would be for my DD never to take any illegal drugs at all and I will tell her that she should not and will discipline her if I find she has. But what should my position be if she asks me if I ever used drugs myself? I really want to set a positive example and for not to be able to throw in my face the fact that I'm a hypocrite if I ever have to discipline her for it but I don't want to lie. I also don't think this "all drugs are bad" line is particularly helpful as young people rapidly see through this when they try them for themselves and realise drugs are extremely different.

Wonder if anyone else has any advice here?

Quote "The only real regret attached to them was the waste of money and time and the fact that I may have put myself in potentially risky situations."

My advice would be to ask your DD to consider the risk she would be putting other people in to get drugs. I.e. young children being used to sell drugs, run over county lines etc.

I'm surprised that your only regret is about yourself OP, and not the likelihood that you partly contributed to the issues above.

That’s a totally fair point and worth bringing up.

The one thing I would say is that there was less known about the drug supply chain when I was taking them regularly.

Hi there - I've also wondered the same thing, with my four year old boy. Hopefully not hitting the raves for a while yet... LOL.

Both my husband and I enjoyed a few years of recreational use in our late teens/20s - again, like you, always socially, at festivals, raves and only occasionally. We both have some great memories from that time, along with a few sketchier ones.

I feel as though I want to be honest, because I want him to be honest with me. If he's going to do them, he is going to do them - at least I would know. And my hope is that, he would feel comfortable talking to me if he was unsure about something, or had had a bad experience. I could also talk to him about the risks, dangers and then, if he wants to go ahead, doing them 'responsibly' - for example, testing purity beforehand and looking after each other when out.

Basically the same approach I hope to have towards sex - there is no use burying your head in the sand with this stuff, is my opinion. Either you talk to your kids, or they'll figure it out on their own.

xx

@MissKittyFantastico84

I kind of agree with you: I really want to be honest about it.

But I feel like it would be really impossible to hold the line on disciplining a child for taking drugs if you've admitted to doing it yourself.

My teens don't tend to ask me what I did at their age. More normal for a teen to see their parents as irrelevant and out of touch and they probably will never ask you.

If you have to I would probably say that it was different years ago, the world is set up differently, we are aware of more things and drugs are riskier now.

are you otherwise perfect OP?
have you never lied or cheated? never driven over the speed limit? maybe shoplifted a bar of chocolate as a kid?
If not then yes you do have a problem. But most of use have numerous things we have done that we regret and can say to our DCs, yes, I did that, it was reckless/wrong/stupid/illegal and I shouldn't have done it. Nor should you because (and give reasons)
I think you're wrong actually that weed is benign. I've seen plenty of damage.

DD knows that DH and I dabbled, she doesn’t know how much, or with what. It feels like it’s taken some of the mystique away from it, if a couple of old dears like us have danced all night in a field. We have a very open relationship, if she does do anything I think we’ll know - we’d be able to tell, in any case.

Drugs seem much, much scarier now, weed is much stronger and more like to induce psychosis, certainly. Though, I may just be older and more nervous.

I don't really want to lie to my DC and its hard to say that something is entirely bad and wrong when it's clear that lots of people get genuine enjoyment from it and limited negative effects. I think personally that young people today are more health conscious and more ethically aware than I was in the late 90s/early 00s and you need ask them to keep theirs and others safety in mind if they are going to clubs and festivals whether they are choosing alcohol or drugs or any other risky behaviour.

Not me but my mum did a lot in the late 80s and early 90s and I liked the way she handled it with me.

I knew she liked raves and festivals from when I was a little kid, she took me to some family friendly festivals and I had seen pictures of her at raves, (mostly to show me the styles for a 80s themed disco I went to when I was 8)

So as I got older and knew more about what that scene was like I assumed she had been taking drugs back then I also knew she didn't any more.
When I got older, 17/18 and going to big festivals, she made sure I was very drug aware, like down to the size and shapes of different MDMA pills and how it can look like anything and how to identify what powders probably are by the colour and stuff and safe(ish) quantities of things.
She framed it as I was quite a street wise teen and it was good to have an aware friend in the friend group to prevent overdoses etc
I think she brought It up after a girl died from taking two extacy pills.

She told me what different things felt like so I was never under any assumption that she hadn't done anything. But also very literally about friends of hers that I had met and then stopped seeing, who had had very negative effects, (1 drug induced schizophrenia,1 lost contact with her child, another who had died of a ket overdose) not in a fearmongering way, just quite factually as part of a conversation, kind of brought it home that not every one was going to have a lucky time with it like my mum. She also mmentioned about how taking more of things doesnt give you more effects, at a point it just makes things worse, and if you were feeling good, leave it there.

Went to festivals and scenes where drugs were everywhere for a few years, I tried a few things for a short period of my life and felt okay and trusted my mum more because everything she told me was accurate so I never went too far.
Knew when was enough and then stopped on my own.

I respected the way she handled it because it was never preachy or hypocrytical and the type of teen I was, I think if she had blanket banned me, and never taught me about it, I would probably have gone too far

@SpaceJamtart

That's interesting and sounds like you handled it really well. Also you clearly have a really good and close relationship with her.

Honestly I'm not sure if I'd feel comfortable talking to her about actual drug experiences. Maybe I need to get over that!

@StillWeRise

I agree that weed isn't always benign. I have known people experience weed-linked psychosis. But I still think on average it is no more harmful than alcohol and I think lumping in alongside drugs like heroin in terms of its harm profile is unhelpful.

I did a lot of ecstasy in the 90's and have late teen DC , they know all about the raving but thank god have never asked directly if I ever took anything. They ask me if I used to drink a lot at festivals etc and I can always look them in the eye and say no. Also say that the music is a supreme high anyway, which is true enough. We talk about drugs openly, county lines etc .

My kids have asked and I've been honest. I mostly smoked weed and took speed a bit and acid once or twice.

I think the big difference with alcohol is its a lot harder to control the effects - you know what percentage alcohol you are drinking and can learn your limits. You never really can be sure what you're getting with drugs. Even weed. It also puts you in touch with people who aren't always the most savoury as you can't exactly buy drugs from the co-op.

I've told my kids that in my group there were people who got away with it and there were casualties too. That I regret aspects of it but it didn't ruin my life as I prioritised uni and my part time job.

I hope that they'll be more inclined to listen to my advice and be open with me knowing I've been there and done that

My 12 year old was asking me about specific drugs earlier. He did ask how I knew so much.. I just brushed it off. Think I'm going to wait a bit before I divulge more info, unless he brings it up before then. Its a really hard one. My parents didn't talk to me about anything, but I'm pretty close to DS.

Honestly it really helped that she did talk about what every feels like, It took away the mystery and the slightly unhelpful info that you get from schools, where they just say that "drugs feel good and some people like them, but those people are making bad life choices"

I think it helped that she could tell me that sort of detail as well, because when it was accurate, I really trusted what she had to say about the rest of it, like the warnings and the negative effects.
If she had nothing to base it off, I dont think those discussions would have had the weight that they did.
Like when nuns in school deliver sex ed with all the insight of wikipedia

She did keep those details until I was a bit older than your girl though, I would have been about 16 and already quite street wise, if I was younger or more naive maybe it would have shocked me, but for me its one of the things I am most glad my mum did for me.

I took a lot of rave drugs back in the 90s. I have been open and honest with my olde teens. Told them that I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t have any lasting effects from it but told them all the horror stories of those who came into sticky situations.

I’m the kid in this scenario. My old hippy parents banged on about taking LSD and smoking weed in the 60s/70s and their psychedelic experiences. Suffice to say, I grew up thinking drugs were massively lame and never went there myself.

Only ever smoked weed - gave up before I had DD1 but have a few friends who still do. The children are now in their teens & I'm honest about it (as I am about my still drinking alcohol) as I feel they're more likely to listen to my advice if it comes from experience & not just advice from book-learning. I aldo think that giving them the perspective that most things are not black & white - drugs, alcohol, swearing (it's not the words but how you say them), nutritional diktat - should be discussed & examined for nuisance.

We've always had "joke rules" which have been said in a light hearted way since they were toddlers (so normalised) but which I'm actually deadly serious about so am hoping the brain washing has worked and one of those is "only take organic drugs sustainably sourced". Others are "never send nude photos of yourself to anyone", "never put anything online that you aren't prepared to say to someone's face." and recently (& almost as a corollary to that) "never go on Twitter except to make corporate complaints."

My own position on drugs today is that the "soft" illegal drugs are largely no worse than alcohol.

Err, gangs, knife crime, county lines?

I'd really recommend the 'say why to drugs' podcasts to any parent (and there's now a book too) by Suzi Gage. Discusses recreational drugs in a non-judgemental, factual, informative way.

Both DH and I dabbled a bit when we were younger (me more than him). Mainly just weed. I tried LSD a few times.

DS(14) and DD(11) both know this, it's come up in conversation from time to time. There is zero chance DD is going to experiment any time soon (very specific reason for this) but DS has told us that he has been around weed when hanging out with his friends, and has been offered a few times. He says he hasn't tried it (yet).

To be honest I don't think there is much as parents we cam really do to stop our kids being curious and experimenting. I don't want to make a big deal out of it because I want him to feel comfortable talking to me about it. Some of this things I have pointed out are:

• there are massive ethical issues with the supply chain for illegal drugs
• although most people can enjoy cannabis in the same way that people enjoy alcohol, it does have the potential to really fuck you up (as does alcohol of course)
• whatever your personal views on cannabis vs alcohol, the fact is is that right now cannabis is illegal. DS is interested in being able to work in the US and I've pointed out that any kind of record at all for drug use will mean he may not even get an esta, let alone a visa. He lived in the US for a few years as a child and the thought of never being allowed back is actually quite a big deterrent for him.

And I'm the OP, except with a 17 year old who thinks I'm lamer than lame and that anything I've ever done ever is 'stupid old people's stuff'...

OP I could have written your post 6 years ago but the truth is, once your DCs hit the teen ages then everything changes. You can't imagine lying to your cute, loving tween rn but in 5 years you'll be desperately screaming about the time you dropped two pills in Fabric just to make them look up from their phone...

Keep it real, honest and age appropriate - and don't go looking for trouble.

My teenage boys know that DH and I smoke a little weed now and then - never around them and (until they reached the age that they go to bed later than I do!) always after they were asleep.

They only found this out a couple of years ago (so early / mid teens) and I had a full and frank conversation with them about the harmful effects or otherwise of different types of drugs.

I'm actually pretty hardcore against binge drinking as my step brother is a recovering alcoholic, so I was frank in that as adults, I believe that the odd spliff with friends is much safer than a bottle of cheap vodka in the park. I made it clear though that as teenage brains are still developing, it's playing Russian Roulette to take or smoke anything at this point in their lives.

They responded really well to the honesty (though I didn't actually mention that I'd tried plenty of other drugs at uni!) and years later they still haven't tried anything more than the odd drink at a party, so it didn't mess up their compass. I try to be honest and upfront with them if they ask a direct question though, and I know that's a bitter pill to swallow when you have a party past! 😁

I was honest about the effect weed had on me (made me vomit for England and then feel rapidly suicidal however fine I felt before smoking it) in case either of them tried it. I wanted them to understand it could be a biological reaction to the active substance in it. I tried it about 4 times and it had the same effect each time so I strongly advised them against it. I don't think they listened, but equally they are definitely not into drug culture. They're a bit scathing of school and uni friends who are.