To ask parents who have previously taken drugs how they talk to their DC about drugs?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

So my DD is currently 11: probably (hopefully) too young for me to be overly concerned about this. But wondering how to have the conversation for the future.

I took drugs recreationally for about 15 years. Mainly weed, a bit of MDMA and other "party drugs" and occasionally some coke. I'm not particularly proud of this (and I don't do it at all now, haven't done since DD was born). But by the same token if I'm honest I didn't have any significant problems as a result of drug use. Never became addicted to anything and never developed any serious health problems. And actually sometimes they were fun. The only real regret attached to them was the waste of money and time and the fact that I may have put myself in potentially risky situations.

My own position on drugs today is that the "soft" illegal drugs are largely no worse than alcohol. I don't take them any more but I know from past experience and from reading around the topic widely that weed is (for most people) fairly safe. I also know that while there are risks around coke and MDMA and they are not drugs people should take lightly or routinely, it is perfectly possible for people to use them without long term health issues and many do. I am however fiercely anti heroin and other opiates as I know they have the potential to destroy lives like few other drugs (I have seen this happen to people) and will be extremely hard line about this with my daughter.

My strong preference would be for my DD never to take any illegal drugs at all and I will tell her that she should not and will discipline her if I find she has. But what should my position be if she asks me if I ever used drugs myself? I really want to set a positive example and for not to be able to throw in my face the fact that I'm a hypocrite if I ever have to discipline her for it but I don't want to lie. I also don't think this "all drugs are bad" line is particularly helpful as young people rapidly see through this when they try them for themselves and realise drugs are extremely different.

Wonder if anyone else has any advice here?

As with a poster above, deny deny deny. And I have a story ready of a guy I know who got so addicted to coke that he was storing thousands of £s of drugs in his house for a dealer, got busted and then did 4 years in prison. That should scare the life out of them.

Agree
friends have simply said “I did it but I was lucky nothing happened”. We do have a couple of stories, one friend permanently in a psych facility and one dead. So do you have any of those?
personally I’m not sure how fair it is to discipline them for something you did for years.

I've consistently lied my arse off.
My children, well, adults now, do not know that I took drugs and I will never tell them I did.

PS the common sense aspect is so important as a pp said.

a local lad died after taking four Es. When we heard it, we all just said “four?” in disbelief. Apparently someone told him he’d have a deeper experience!

Ex coke addict and mum of 4 adults/teens here. I've also struggled with alcohol issues due to being bipolar. I've always been very (age appropriate) honest with my kids. They know that my mum is a full blown alcoholic, always has been, and that me and my siblings have struggled with alcohol issues in and off through our lives. They know that I was a cocaine addict. That I almost lost everything including my two eldest babies. But I got clean and totally turned my life around. Got GCSEs, went to university, got a ba and then a ma.

They know I very occasionally smoke weed (1-2 joints a year) and that I grow magic mushrooms. They know that since I started growing magic mushrooms and taking them regularly that I am much happier and more stable than I've ever been in my life. We have had , and are having ongoing discussions about the role that drugs can have in behavioural issues, how usage of alcohol/drugs can be used to deal with past traumas etc but they actually mask the problem instead of treating it. I explain how psilocybin ( shrooms) can actually help us to repair past trauma and give us the closure to move forward. I won't lie to them and tell them drugs are bad. They aren't. Most drugs make you feel great, it's the fall out and the after effects that are horrific. They can cost you your life. Your family. Everything.

I must have done something right. My eldest is 24 and drinks maybe a bottle of gin over the course of a year . My son is 22 and never touched any drunk or drugs apart from 2-3 mild doses of manic mushrooms to help alleviate ASD related depression (it worked). My 18 yo is T total and has zero interest in alcohol or drugs. My 14 yo has the occasional Buck's Fizz at family events but never had any more than a few sips.

Like others have said; honesty, don't glamorize it, lucky to have no ill effects etc..

For me, I doubt my children will go through life never being in a situation where drugs are present.

Dd(16) has just started going to house parties and festivals so we have had the chat fairly recently.

I want them to be as prepared as possible, I hope that they make the good choices but if not and things go south I need them to know that they can call me, anytime, no judgement and I will come.

My biggest fear is not that they try drugs but that they try drugs are unwell or afraid or in an unsafe situation and are afraid to call for help.

So when I was younger (but not young), I worked in a club where drugs were more popular than alcohol. There was a degree of tolerance as long as no one was caught dealing or actively in the process of taking.

I talk about my time working there as someone who was straight edge (no drugs/alcohol etc) and explained the perception of these peoples behaviours as a sober person. I explain that while she is far too young to make decisions about taking illegal substances, that if she chooses to do so when she’s older that she must understand all the risks of what she’s taken including not knowing the source or purity of what she’s consuming. I’ve kept it all age appropriate (young teen) but highlighted how people on E/MDMA are generally dullards who spend sobriety avoiding the other dullards they’ve promised to be BFFs with in their extensive and extremely interesting while high conversations and that people on cocaine get aggressive and come across as arseholes and that neither people will recognise that trait in themselves because they all think life is wonderful when high. I also like to point out what goes up must come down and that the next day come down can be horrific and affect your mood.

I’m quite open about my friends that I worked with and how some of them had addiction issues. It’s not glamourised at all. I was very privileged to be part of that scene but not partaking in the substances so I witnessed from beginning to end what happened (I had severe insomnia at the time, hence the job, so kept up for the most part)

I’m not anti-drugs but I am anti-unsafe drugs. I think going all drugs are bad m’kay just pushes the seeming glamour of it. Talking reality makes it less appealing.

I am going to deny everything & keep
it secret. I don’t ever want my DD to take drugs! I consider myself lucky I was ok when I did it (well into my 30’s too)! I lived a party lifestyle but i do t want that for her!

I tend to subscribe to the view that the more I can educate my DC about the world - including about things like sex and drugs - in an open and honest way, the better informed and prepared they will be to make the right decisions. Denying or ignoring things wouldn't help them and may result in me losing their trust.

My DC are only young still but I think if asked I would be honest about experimenting with drugs in the past and explain the risks and reasons I stopped. Well that's my plan anyway! I know these types of conversations are easier had in one's head than in the moment..

I would agree that alcohol can be very harmful. I would include that in your message.
My teenagers are still very anti alcohol, although I am sure things will change.

We've all been teenagers and know first or second hand the good and bad of the recreational drug world, from fun nights out and festival weekends to see paramedics trying to resuscitate party goers after bad trips. For me its the safety aspect, the involvement with the end dealer in a supply chain of people trafficking, and evil drug lords. My dad was in the military and saw first hand what happened to the innocents in the villages at the very start of our harmless fun drug trade. Soft drugs aren't a victimless crime. I have told my children all of it. As soon as they are old enough to attend the local park alone with a friend, they are old enough for the drugs chat. It was particularly "useful" when the chemical cannabis was doing the rounds in our local town, we zombie spotted as we drove through and I told the children exactly what it was that caused it.

I think your attitude is the problem. No illegal drugs are on a par with alcohol. You need to uphold a no-tolerance policy and not give any indication to your daughter that any of it is acceptable. I wouldn't actually be talking to her about it until she's older and has been taught things at school. My 14 year old has just done some drugs-related stuff at school so that's probably a more appropriate age.

My 14 year old has just done some drugs-related stuff at school so that's probably a more appropriate age. I disagree, 14 is far too late from what my teenagers have told me happens with kids their ages (from a respectable high school in a nice area).

I agree about weed. I know so many people where it’s ruined their mental health and then their career/work and relationships. Even if it didn’t have that impact on you, it could do for your DD or even some or her friends.

I can’t believe how many people just going to out and out lie to their kids

is that really the relationship you want to culture with them?

i get it as a visceral reaction but sometimes you’ve got to step up and parent even though it’s hard

relying on them getting it exclusively at school is irresponsible

are you checking to school curriculum?

it’s incomprehensible to me that you would just so completely divest yourself of responsibility for preparing them for this aspect of life

I don't think a no tolerance hard line approach is helpful. Honesty and explaining the possible side effects is.

There is a danger IMO if you come down too hard that they will try it anyway (as most teens do try smoking and drinking at the very least) but keep it a secret.

It's like giving them a sip of beer when their parent is having one. Takes away the mystery.

Weed does do harm, as does alcohol.

I know people who smoke a lot of weed (or who drink a lot) and they say “But look at me, it never did me any harm” and I find myself thinking “Really?”

The teens I know say that there are those who do and those who don’t. Those who don’t tend to have more ambitious long-term life goals.

I've got two dch in their 20s. To answer this question, we've said that a)smoking cigarettes was much more normal/of the culture back then and weed kind of went with that, and b) weed is much stronger these days, which it often is. Also c) that we have lost two friends to heroin and seen a close friend burgle his mate's parents house due to his addiction.

As for coke, DH has and I haven't, but thankfully they haven't asked! But they have seen a prog about coke production poisoning the rivers in places like Peru, and they care about that.

Wondered how long it would take for the magical MN sip of alcohol with mum and dad that solves all teenage drinking problems to appear! If only it was that simple.

Im in a massive predicament about how to approach this situation when my daughter gets to her teens.

I started taking drugs from a teenager right up untill i got pregnant. Pretty much tried everything apart from heroin. I had a great time, only took it recreationally at parties, festivals etc and never got myself into any trouble and never developed any addictions, mental health problems etc.

However my daughters dad when he was a teenager smoked weed over a summer, not even really that many times and ended up developing weed induced psychosis and was very unwell with it. He was obviously one of the very unlucky ones that he had such an adverse reaction to it. Hes fine now, but it had a massive impact on his life for a very long time. Also mental health problems such as schizophrenia do run in my side of the family. It would understandbly be a massive risk if my daughter was to try anything, but then again she might be fine.

I dont want to be in a position where i absolutely demonise drugs, making them seem more appealing and I feel like a massive hippocrite when I had only positive experiences.

I also think that if teens are going to take drugs then i dont think anything thier parents say is really going to stop them.

Unless asked, I'd feel no need to personalise it. Its quite possible to have an informative unbiased discussion about drugs without drawing on personal experience, and actually much more helpful. The idea is for your child to come to their own conclusions in full possession of the facts. Anecdotes and opinions from either side of the debate just muddy the waters and offer a limited perspective on what is a wide issue.

Of course a sip of alcohol doesn't stop your teens from binge drinking. Ok, It was a bad analogy. But my point remains that if you go down the route of "drugs are bad, never do them. Full stop, no discussion" then the likelihood is they will do them anyway and just keep it a secret.

My mum was like that with smoking. I often joked that she would rather I took heroin than smoked! So guess what, I social smokes for a few years and kept it a secret. If she'd been open and said, don't smoke because of x, y, z, I may well have listened. Probably not, but the lines of communication would have remained open.

I am just open and honest about any questions she has had about drugs and sex. I admit what I have done and don't glorify it by also saying the negatives of it too. The only recreational drug id be concerned about is cocaine, as it is highly addictive and destroys so many lifes. She however is aware of my husbands cousin dying due to cocaine addiction, its something we have also discussed and she is wary of it as a result.

Were you disciplined for taking drugs? If so, did it stop you taking them? I'll assume not as you talk about taking drugs as an adult. If not, do you think it would have stopped you if you had been? Certainly I have never taken any drugs, but if my DC do so in their teens I'm not sure I'd jump straight to discipline and punishment. I'd probably think more about helping them to navigate the issue, ensuring their safety, discussing risks and so on. I wonder if you think punishment would have stopped you earlier?

Thing is - 'disciplining' a 17 or 18 year old is very different to an 11 year old. I'm not sure you can.