Would you be offended by this comment?

[needredbulltofunction]

You have too much time on your hands.

Just made me feel stupid and that my life is considered by someone as unfulfilling. But then maybe I’m reading into it too much?

I think your probably offloading your issues into your friend more than you think sorry

That sounds nice - any pics?

No I definitely don’t. There’s only one person I really open up to and that’s a different friend.

But if I’m an hour late to something then I’ll be truthful because it wasn’t intentional. And I told her the real reason a week after the event in private so I didn’t draw attention to it whilst she was hosting.

Then she constantly asked if I was seeing or speaking to anyone and if I said no she’d say “aww” with a head tilt. So I was just honest after a while because the question got boring.

I will only bring it up in very specific circumstances. As I’m very conscious of it.

I wouldn’t say to a friend they have too much time on their hands from something they suffer with. And if I didn’t want to deal with that friend then I’d be truthful and say the reason why. I wouldn’t belittle them and make them feel worse:

I don't think this friend is a very good friend to be honest, and maybe you might need to think about distancing yourself from her a bit. She doesn't appear to be all that nice to you.

Maybe she’s a bid fed up of it all. Have you got help for this?

Given the context I think your friend was trying to reassure you that no one would notice the thing you were worrying about, even if they had it themselves, unless they had hours to spare and nothing to do. It wasn’t a comment about your lifestyle.

I agree that the comment was basically code for "absolutely no one on the planet will notice that, you have no reason to worry". I wouldn't be offended.

No, I couldn't be offended by that. It sounds like she said it to stop you looking for any imperfections that don't exist. In other words, do something better with your time to prevent yourself from feeling like shit. Sounds like she cares about you tbh.

I think you sound a bit hard work tbh, I'm not surprised your friend would get a bit fed up with showing up late, etc. It doesn't seem like you like her too much from your updates so why bother with her at all?

I suppose it might be dependent on what you thought the change was & if it might have implications?

She could just have said yes or no!

Maybe you have asked her about this more than you think?

If you noticed an extra freckle, then I can see where the comment is coming from.....

This person sounds like a poor friend

She's reassuring you that your appearance hasn't really changed and you are only seeing things because you are spending time looking for them. Why are you worried about the change, do you think it's a medical issue?

She could have used gentler words but it's actually really difficult to talk to someone who is worried about something that isn't real, just anxiety. If she agreed you'd changed, it would escalate, if she minimised it, you'd not be satisfied, if she said it was your anxiety, you might be offended...

I'm reluctant to believe she is putting you down when she mentions her life, as I think that might be influenced by your own perspective, which is a little skewed just now.

I hope you manage to get help with your body image and mental health, don't let it ruin your friendships as well. Take care.

I have heard it said and had it said to me plenty of times but never really in a negative or belittling way, its usually because someone is pondering over something really trivial. One time that sticks out in my mind was when I questioned what something smelled like that shouldn't smell. Washing tablets that were lavender and white diamond or something, and I was wondering what if anything a white diamond smells like.

That said something that others may consider trivial, could be a big thing for you so I understand how it can appear hurtful even if it isn't meant to be.

It isn't a compliment but it's different strokes for different folks, isn't it? I made some pretty good (ahem) artwork a while ago, pre-covid, and my friend who unnecessarily runs herself ragged said I had too much time on my hands. But then, I could say the same about her unnecessary dashing around. Too much time on her hands so fills it with a ridiculous amount of extra curric for the kids. Courses for horses, etc.

Yes. She's basically saying that you're spending way too much time examining your body under a microscope. It's not about your lifestyle in comparison to hers, it's about you needing to spend less time obsessing about your body.

Sounds like her very clumsy way of saying nobody else but you would have noticed the change in your appearance that bothered you so much. She probably doesn’t fully understand you have a genuine mental health condition which seriously affects the quality of your daily life and you are not really choosing to spend your time focussing on issues that are trivial, you really can’t stop yourself. Also, as it’s a circular problem, in that because you have issues with your body image, you don’t date or go out much, and because you don’t date or go out much, you have a lot of time alone with your thoughts to obsess about your body image, she thinks you would feel better if you had less time on your own thinking unhealthy thoughts. Regardless, she doesn’t understand your mental health condition, so doesn’t understand why you obsess over things that are trivialities to people who are mentally well.

To be fair you sound like you don’t like her much and she grates on you. You really need to try and get support for your mental health, this sounds like a lonely and challenging place to be in. Surely you don’t want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Did you post a few weeks ago about getting annoyed by friends asking what you’re wearing to social events? That poster also had issues with attending a friend’s bbq

I just mentioned something I’d noticed about a change in my appearance and wasn’t sure if I was imaging it, so I asked her opinion and that’s when she said it.

That sounds fine to me in context and possibly true.

If it's so slight even you don't know whether you're imagining it, she probably means you spend too much time studying yourself and worrying due to your condition.

Are you perhaps overthinking or prevaricating which makes you regularly late or unreliable? If she is someone who fills her diary and plans well ahead it might be she finds it frustrating. Neither of you are right or wrong, just not very compatible.

I think ‘offended’ is a strong word, I wouldn’t be offended. I think it may have been a little insensitive of her, which might be because she legitimately can’t relate to how you feel. That’s different from her deliberately trying to belittle you.

This and the post about socks in rainbow order above are the exact things my close friend and I love talking about. I know other people would laugh at me though and there's only two people I'd share this stuff with, my husband and one mate.

I'd love hearing what my mate thought a white diamond would smell like (I'm gonna say that frozen ice sort of smell when you open a freezer door)

Yesterdays was an hours back and forth about what we'd do if an elephant ran into M&S, shes me fave person to talk to because even during the most stressful and worrying times we always end up thinking about about the trivial won't ever happen stuff because it's a distraction from her health anxiety and if we're pondering what white diamonds smell like then it's a break from thinking about unwell family, potential job loss and not being able to afford the mortgage.

Sounds like you need to distance from her. And don’t seek her opinion on anything.

In this context I think it just means stop over thinking this insignificant thing. And if you do have issues around this then it's probably more healthy for you for her to say thar than to feed the obsessing.

Someone said it to me last week when I'd taken the time to make some OTT iced biscuits. I have just realised I should probably cut him from my life. 😉😉