Daughter wants to meet online boyfriend

[Annatracey]

My 16 year old daughter has been communicating with a 17 year old boy from Holland for about a year.
she now wants me to book them a hotel and take her there to meet him and then she wants me to leave.
I haven’t seen, spoken to him or his parents.
I don’t even know if this is legal.
I have refused on the grounds of her safety.

AIBU?

His plan is to travel here and meet my DD - I’m not against that but it’s booking them a hotel I’m against.
i will invite him to our home

I think there’s a bit of pearl clutching going on here.

It’s not unusual for under 18s to meet online now, especially post covid when there were so few opportunities for a “RL” relationship.

Presumably she has face timed him and knows he’s not 40 and the fact they’ve been talking for a year is a good sign.

Could you suggest that as a starting point you speak to him on FaceTime? Just a casual chat whilst she’s present. You’ll get a fairly good idea of who he is.

I think the biggest risk is not trafficking or pedophilia, but that your DD arrives and finds she’s not physically attracted to him in person and then feels awkward leaving/under pressure to stay.

Why can't he book himself into a hotel for his stay, and for their first meeting you ask him to come over so you can all meet him, then go from there depending on yours/your daughters feelings? I wouldn't invite him to actually stay with you when you've never actually met him. For a start, if your dd decides she doesn't actually like him in person then you're stuck with him for however many days he's here.

I think there’s some Pearl clutching here too. She’s legally able to do all sorts with any man she likes here in the U.K. anyway. So I would at least treat her with some respect and acknowledge that she has made her decision here. However, I would be talking to her about safety, make the suggestion he books a hotel here, then invite him for dinner etc and meet him/ have their first encounter in a public place so she knows he is who he says he is, and she has the chance to say no if she doesn’t like him.

I have had a couple of relationships that started online, and I simply followed precautions the first time I met them until it was very clear they were who they said they were and the attraction was there. After that it’s really just the same as meeting a man in any other situation.

If you say a flat out no, with no discussion or compromise, then you are likely to push her to lie or do something far more dangerous, like go off and meet him anyway behind your back.

Clearly, not a good idea.

So say yes but.. on the condition that you get to speak to him and his parent/s via zoom/video chat.

And that he comes to stay at your home or perhaps a hotel near your home and meets your daughter in a public place, in daylight, when you're there.

If that results in a flat no and from HIM.. then you know theres a strong chance someones up to no good.

Just say not. It's not something that should be even considered as possible thing to happen. All the fuss of travelling to Holland to meet someone. Are they going to maintain long distance relationship? Who's going to pay for it? It's not like one's from London and other one's from Manchester. This is ridiculous idea.

Sorry, posted too soon. The best way is to talk her out of this. Or offer you can go there for sightseeing so they can meet, but bringing her there and leave? NO.

‘I have refused on the grounds of her safety.

AIBU?’

yes, I think yabu.
you can guide her to do this safely and then in future she would come to you to do this rather than going behind your back and being unsafe.

I’m going to go against the grain slightly here with my experience.

Firstly I do think that it has become far more normalised to meet people online.

My DD17 got talking to a group online a couple of years ago. One lad in particular (18) from another country she really clicked with and during covid and ever since they have kept each other company online. They speak every evening on web cam (and I spoke to him too!) and they play games and watch movies together etc.

He came over to the UK to stay and she met him with her dad present. He then came back over a few weeks later and stayed at her dads house for a few days. They were “dating” at this point and not just friends.

DD was begging to go abroad to stay with him and in all honesty I wasn’t keen on the idea, even having met the boy (and he is genuinely lovely and 100% who he says he is).

In the end I realised that she is 18 in less than a year, in which case I won’t be able to stop her anyway, and that she was mature enough to make the decision for herself. I also thought I’d rather she went away with clear parameters in place (so I had a tracker on her phone, his parents phone number and address, she had comprehensive travel insurance and a solid plan for travelling around, including what to do if anything went wrong - lost passport, bank card being blocked, medical care, or if she wanted to come home early, whether she could get to the airport herself etc and paper copies of everything including phone numbers as a back up). DH said if I carried on trying to stop her then one day she would probably just decide to bugger off by herself anyway!

So she went over for a week at half term, flew alone and managed to change flights in another country with no issues. I offered her the unaccompanied minor service - she didn’t want it. She had a great time and it was brilliant for her independence. He’s coming here again in the summer and then they’re both flying there for a week or two.

Having said all that, I wouldn’t let her fly there without having met him here twice first!! So maybe do what we did and facilitate an in person meeting here in the UK first before agreeing to anything else. But times have changed and it’s not like how it was when I was young. Plus, at 17 I had put myself in some stupid situations and this one felt far safer in comparison!

Just an alternative viewpoint for you for balance as I suspect a lot of “hell no” posters won’t have been in this situation themselves, and I was 100% the “hell no” parent 12 months ago!!

Hell no, of course not. Surprised you have to ask

Ok my dd is older but has asd so is young for her age. She's just met her friend for the first time she met online. It's normal now. Now I would not have facilitated it at 16 in the same way (this time her dad paid for her flight) but we mustn't think it's odd,

Bloody hell no - and hide her passport!

Home visit to you- sure, providing he has his own room and you’re there.

Like visiting a pen-pal used to be.

If he’s genuine he’ll be OK with that.

Going to meet someone abroad that you’ve never met in a hotel? No chance!

He could be a 50 year old sex trafficker!

I’d offer a compromise. He stays with you for 2 nights, then if all is well and she wants to, you book them a hotel. If they are not getting on IRL this gives her an out.

it’s so lovely she’s so open and happy to discuss with you. Gives you the chance to have the safe sex convo and be there to support her afterwards.

You must be a great Mum for her to trust you so much.

I'll play the devils advocate a little, but bare with me I haven't read the whole thread.

I'm 32 years old, I have always loved playing videogames and being online (I found it easier than being with people in real life as I could control communications easier).

From when I was 14 I was often going out meeting people I met online, friends or otherwise. Once, an older man was standing on the bus stop which freaked me out and I just stayed on the bus and never got off. This didn't put me off meeting other people, I was always conscious about doing so in public.

At 21 I went to a different country to meet a boyfriend of 6 months, to stay with him at an address i didn't know geographically (he tell me the address but I knew nothing of where it was etc). I have never met him in real life bit i have spoken to him over skype/games/discord extensively. I have seen his face and met his friends (online) and felt very safe visiting.
Another 5 months later I moved with him in said country and we had a very happy relationship for 3 years. About 90% of my closest friends I met online, I suppose I'm that kind of a person.

I would not diss the idea she is legitimately in a relationship with a real boy she probably seen a million of times via facetime etc. Afterall it isnt uncommont.

However!

The different story is what she or they want you to do to facilitate this.

Two go on a holiday together and meet with the boy together in a public place so that you know who he is? It's not a bad idea if you keen to visiting Holland and doing family friendly activities. If she's not interested in a joint holiday with a potential of meeting him, it's unreasonable of her to ask.

Given daughters age I would not leave them to hang out unless I liked him after meeting him multiple times, I knew where he lived, met his parents and noted his personal details just in case.

I would not be booking a hotel for them, they can work and sponsor their own trips after I lecture her on intenet and personal safety. As a parent I would only agree on a family holiday allowing her to introduce the boy to you - your money, your rules.

Better yet, he can come and stay with you if you are comfortable with it. Or stay in your town and they can meet. Obviously he is paying.

To answer your question about sex between a 16 a 17 year old, as long as its consensual - it is not illegal. Legal age of consent is 16. A 16 year old can rent their own appartmet, work a job and even marry (in Scotland and NI).

That's just my perspective as a self professed online hermit.

I will say that the reason I would want to know about the boy so much is because it's abroad, and much easier to disappear /run away. I know at 16 I had some very questionable ideas and given the chance i would have tried my luck. Its also a mainland, those a red flags for me not for the boy specifically but in general.

As a parent if you were to facilitate them meeting, you have the right to request whatever information will make you feel comfortable.

Why are you even entertaining this. She is a child and tell her so. She doesn't get to go meeting random men and staying in hotels with them as a child. I would firmly put her in her place.

It’s difficult, we are close but I live with the eternal guilt of an abusive father ( psychological) which caused her severe anxiety. I tend to over indulge her now to make up for what she/we went through.

Thank you so much for your reply it was very helpful

Thank you I feel like the worst mum at the moment- very helpful x

You don’t sound at all like a bad mum, and it’s clear you want to try to do the best by your daughter.
Considering that it’s been established he is actually a 17 year old boy, I think the best compromise is either for you to go on a family holiday to Holland with her meeting him during it, or for him to be invited to stay with you in the UK. Her going on her own to a hotel is too risky.
My DS made some online friends during the Covid lockdown by playing online games, and has met up with a couple of them since (all UK based) but only after I was put in contact with their parents and could confirm they were really teen boys.

I obviously agree with the many, many PPs who have expressed that this is utterly insane and of course you do not book a hotel room for two children (even if they are above the age of consent) to meet up for the first time in person when they're from different countries and you have next-to-no verification of who he is. That's a given.

From a legal perspective, it's unlikely anyone would get into any trouble but I think, it's hypothetically and theoretically possible that this could be considered sex trafficking of a minor. You're facilitating the movement of a child from one country to another in order to most likely engage in sexual activity... there's about a one in a billion chance that anyone would ever bother to test this theory in front of a jury, but it's hypothetically possible.

But yeah, back in reality, no, no you don't allow this. Even if you'd spoken to his "parents", you have no ability at all to actually determine that they are his parents - criminal gangs, traffickers etc could very easily find two adults in the gang to pretend to be "parents" and say all the right things. I agree with PP that you need to hide her passport, I might even go as far as contacting the passport office to say she hasn't got permission to leave the country without you with her. What, if any, access do you have to her social media? I'd consider contacting her school just to request that they make sure any absences are immediately reported to you - it's much easier to find a missing girl at 9am than 4pm.

WOW.. there are some massive leaps going on here?! Sex trafficking a minor?!

Well then any parent that bought their under 18 an Interrail pass is now a sex trafficker... what did you think they were doing with all the people they meet?!

Invite the lad over for a weekend break - with strict rules he sleeps in his own room and no tippytoeing down the hall in the night.

If that offer is turned down, it's a good indicator something dodgy is afoot.

If it isn't, have a nice weekend, your daughter may well decide that in person she's not so keen and then we learn about getting rid of houseguests we've decided we don't fancy - useful life lesson.

Better to teach her how to meet people safely NOW than to flat refuse, get hysterical and then in two years when you have NO control over who she sees, does, or where, she goes off believing you're hysterical and silly and actually gets herself into trouble?!

No this wouldn't, even theoretically, be considered a sex trafficking. You would have to have the intention for her to be exploited sexually for this to apply. With that mentality sending a kid to a summer camp abroad could also be sex trafficking? Naaah.

I do agree hosting the boy is the easiest way to make sure she actually likes him and for you to meet him yourself. I would still think about a joint holiday to holland before sending her off anywhere alone, it could be a great time for everyone involved!

I will also agree that a hard no may result in her being reserved from discussing things further, better agreeing on options all parties comfortable with.

That is because you are really. i wouldnt be encouraging and daughter of mine that its okay to meet a bloke in a hotel for a first date! Going out for meal etc and as you said you havent spoken to his parents so do they even know if he is coming over. Just too many questions that could potentially lead to red flags.