To think fertility issues makes you question if motherhood is worth the hassle

[josil]

My next step is to get some private treatment but I've had the referral letter in my bag for two weeks and just can't even be bothered to send it to my insurer to book in the initial examination to sort my fertility problems.

I can't be bothered for this aggro. I first fell pregnant three years ago age 33 and it that had worked out I didn't have time to bother thinking about the logistics of it and I'm sure it would have worked out fine.

Now three years later I have to have an operation to fix the fertility issues, I haven't even got to IVF yet which still light be necessary after but I just cannot be bothered with it all.

I don't know if I feel like this due to mental exhaustion of it all or wether it is a sign to just forget the whole thing.

I question if I really wanted it wouldn't I have sent off the referral letter by now and be desperate to get treatment asap or is it just a sign of burnout?

I can't seem to look at this objectively hence why I'm posting!

I'd just been referred for fertility issues & got an appointment as we were going on holiday, through the week we were away I had made my mind up I was going to cancel the appointment & not bother, I thought I could live without having children. The day we came home I felt really odd, I had been in an awful mood all week & could have argued with my own shadow, I did a test & got a bfp. Going for the tests doesn't mean you have to have a baby but it gives you options & time to think about it properly.

Can only imagine how hard it must be. I can't help thinking it makes the newborn stage harder, that bit where you wonder what happened to your whole previous life and personality! If I'd made a massive effort to get to that thankless moment , I don't know how I'd deal! But all my IVF friends seem to perceive it differently.

Infertility is brutal. I found that I effectively ended up putting my life on hold by the time we started IVF as you never know what you're doing because everything is timed in line with a period.

I definitely went through stages of wondering whether it was worth the hassle and saying to my husband that I just couldn't keep going especially following some difficult losses. We kept going though and after 9 years I had my daughter late last year (albeit she came at 24 weeks so we spent 4 months in the NICU). I can absolutely say I'm glad I persevered. She's exhausting, but bloody incredible.

@josil
Omg I totally agree, although I'm in a different situation to yourself.
In the past 10 months I've had x3 mmc.
I get pregnant first month trying each time , it stops growing around 8 weeks then goes on for weeks and weeks after that until I get intervention.
I'm 30, very happily married. The weird thing is I've always been on the fence (same with my husband) about having kids, tbh motherhood looks pretty crap to me beyond having a mat leave with a cute baby. I have no desire to raise a child beyond that first year. My husband is also on the fence. I got pregnant first time after 1 episode of unprotected sex where I thought I wasn't in my fertile window. Then after the first miscarriage I had what I can only describe as a hormonal desire to get pregnant asap, 1st month trying again but further miscarriage. Then I took 2 months break and decided to just try that month and got pregnant again first month. So last miscarriage was 4 weeks ago at about 10 weeks. I've been looking into spending thousands going to this recurrent miscarriage service downsouth as I'm certain my issue is immunological (have autoimmune diseases).
I'm now thinking what the hell am I doing. I've never actually really wanted a child and if I actually think beyond the getting pregnant and 1st year it still doesn't appeal to me to have a child.
I feel ice accidently ended up on this weird fertility journey but I feel that should be for people who really want kids, not for people like me. So I'm very confused now.
Part of my drive to have a baby this past year is because I hate my job, which I know is a ridiculous reason to have a child. I crave a hear mat leave and then going part time.
Part is also because I think women who don't have kids get left behind/neglected by family, friends and society in general.
But I'm not someone who likes children or ever has and I still have to say I think motherhood looks pretty crap with any kid beyond a cute toddler and I really could not cope with a child with additional needs.
AnywY I'm now a very confused person who has been on a 10 month journey that I feel I should never have been on and it's been the worst time of my life. Moving forwards I have no idea what to do. I'm having some NHS tests at the moment but I dunno if I should spend the money to see this specialists privately anyway. I think I have hyperfertility, where your womb lining let's anything implant. I'm also now scared of getting pregnant accidently as it happens so easily. And the sickness during the first 2 pregnancies was unbelievably debilitating. The medical management for my 1st miscarriage was the most painful experience of my life. I do think its caused a bit of PTSD or something. Sorry for the rant, just to say I understand and the torture I've endured for the past 10 months I absolutely don't think is worth motherhood, especially for someone who never was sure about it in the first place.

Don’t have any personal experience to add but did see an emotional/informative/thought-provoking documentary called “One More Shot” a while back. Might help you process some of your feelings about it?

One More Shot

I was offered IVF after years of infertility and decided against it, and to remain childfree.

I'd had enough of tests, hospital visits, false hope, living life around my periods (awful periods, endometriosis). My mental health was shot and physically I felt battered from three laporoscopys.

Instead of IVF, I went on the pill (I take it continuously), got a new job and embraced the energy, time and freedom that comes without having children.

I don't regret it! If I'd fallen pregnant when I first started TTC I'm sure I'd be happy too but I'd grown up on the fence of having kids anyway.

I found myself happy for friends who announced pregnancies and not devastated like some women describe, so I realised I can't want it that much. Certainly not enough to go through the hell of IVF.

It is worth it. Hold on to that.

and more than you can possibly imagine

I had YEARS of fertility treatment and all the associated stuff before I had my miracle.

I didn’t experience the same feelings as you. It became the most important thing in my life, and I really did obsess over it (esp as did three rounds of IVF and had miscarriages). The paperwork/appointments/emotional toll was HIGH but it was literally all that mattered to me.

I think you need to work out if your brain is just scared and trying to protect you from that via apathy, or if you really are apathetic to it.

I had a friend that experienced infertility and decided she didn’t want to go thru all the process to get pregnant. She said she had to figure out what was more important- to be pregnant or did she want to be a mother? She realized she didn’t care about having biological children she just wanted kids so she adopted two kids from China. She adores them. They are now in college, one is going for her medical degree and the other a business degree. She’s very happy she decided not to do ivf

Definitely. We struggled for 6 years and then fell pregnant accidentally with our first. I'd just about given up as I never wanted to go down the IVF route. I thought if it didn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. I had a good job and good social life at the time, so it didn't seem worth the constant heartache.
2 years to conceive #2. Again, I'd given up and decided to go back to uni and advance my career instead when I fell pregnant again - only to lose the baby at 20 weeks.
I'm pregnant with #3 now and this one was conceived in 3 months! I was determined this time and had started fertility investigations but I fell naturally.

I think it's difficult when you're a bit of a fence sitter. You want a family but it also feels like "why am I putting myself through all this when my life is okay as it is?"
I'm glad I ultimately pushed through it though as I couldn't imagine life without my DD now.

@Needsomeadvice33 your post actually really resonates with me as I feel very very similar to you and no one IRL understands my feelings at all.

They all think it's tragic I'm suffering with infertility and don't understand how one can be ambivalent about the whole thing - they just don't get it at all.

I am exactly the same in that I constantly battle if I even WANT children. When I think of the reality or having to be domesticated (which I hate), having no sleep (which turns me into a bad person), and similar to you I don't enjoy the company of children and find most annoying after five minutes I think - is this the right thing to do if it's also becoming so hard to do?

Another poster mentioned the biological factor and I just say because of my feelings above if I have children they have to be biological I just don't think I'd get enough connection if they weren't. For someone already ambivalent I know if I didn't get a biological link it just really wouldn't work for me.

I hope my post doesn't seem cold it's just a very confusing time for me right now

@LividLaVidaLoca yes completely agree - is it a defence mechanism or are these true feelings I need to work out.

I guess my judgement is completely clouded with this situation hence why I can't seem to figure it out

@sayanythingelse yes I have now got my life to a place where I'm the happiest I've ever been 1 so I constantly battle with 'why mess with it' especially as I'm a fence sitter.

It's tough

@josil
Yeah people think it's so sad I've 'lost 3 babies' to be honest I'm more angry/full of resentment of the torture, physical and mental I've been put through in 10 short months. I'm not aching for any baby I've lost I'm aching for my loss of my quality of life the past 10 months. I think the extreme sickness the first 2 pregnancies is mostly the cause of this. The 3rd pregnancy I was on steroids which made me feel much better and if I ever was pregnant again I am absolutely not going through a first trimester without steroids. I don't care how much I would need to pay privately to get them.
I have an amazing life with my husband. So simple and relaxing.
I'm also an extremely low energy person, have been for years and with a number of autoimmune diseases my energy levels are not going to improve. That worries me, I have no desire to provide 24 hr care to a child who dictates my schedule. That sounds like hell to me. I have 3 young nephews and I can spend 2 hours with them before I get sick of them. I find any sort of care i provide to them to be a complete chore and really do not enjoy, changing them, feeding them, listening to their mundane conversation. I dislike playing with them and any bratty behaviour I genuinely find repulsive.
I am obsessed with my husband, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and we are extremely compatible and happy together. I have never seen a relationship as good as mine and I know how lucky I am. I don't want anything to detract from that and myself and husband have always said we will always value eachother above any children (I know this is unusual). I believe people view their relationships with their children strangely. They prioritise them above all else to the detriment of their marriage and lose their identities. The children ultimately grow up and have their own lives and often there's not much left of the marriage. Theres a lot of middle age women who don't have much in their lives and just live for grandchildren as they made nothing of their lives outside raising children. I believe they should have prioritised their husband (who should be their life partner) instead they prioritised what is ultimately a short term relationship. Let's be honest, most adult children visit at most a couple hours per week for lunch etc. I've seen this with pretty much all of my female relatives, most of who are divorced and dissatisfied with the relationships with their adult children as they had far too high expectations of them. They should have seen it for what it is, you raise them to adulthood to be independent functioning adults who you are not a priority in their independent adult lives, their own families are. The women with ridiculous expectations of being central to their adult children's lives. They ultimately just spend the second half of their own lives being very unhappy because they placed too much importance/obsession of their children in the first half of their lives.
I live close to my mum, my family is close and I see them regularly so this is nothing to do with me having no family values. I am just a realistic person and have seen this time and time again.
The more I think of it the more I think children are not for me lol long term happiness with my husband is for me.

I read an unsourced stat on Twitter that 1 in 8 women regret having children.

i don’t and I’ve had fertility treatment. But I’d don’t feel like you did about it. I was highly motivated. First time a minor procedure and I got pregnant next cycle.

second time a year of trying naturally and several chemical pregnancies we moved on to IVF.

yes I was passed off it was necessary but I was committed and scheduled my life around it. Was grumpy Xmas delayed a cycle. Was at various times passed off with DH for not taking it seriously enough (make issues were part of our challenge and he has a high stress job).

but it worked after a gruelling year and the maternity leave with that second Ivf baby was one of the happiest periods of my life.

but i KNEW I wanted kids and that I’d love being a mother and I was right.

it’s fine to explore your feelings. It’s 100% fine not to chase this.

the society we live in will constantly message that you SHOULD have / had children. But the women that di and regret it are the untold side of that story.

there are many ways to live a fulling and happy life

This is pretty much exactly how I feel re children, but we've decided to be childfree so I'm just wondering why you've put yourself through all this? Is it societal/ family expectation? It sounds like you've had a lucky escape to be honest.

I think there’s probably no harm in going for your appt and getting all the facts in place then you can make an informed decision. It’s also ok to not be sure about it either.

FWIW - I’m at the back end of a mat leave (not returning to work) and it took me 5 surgeries and 6 rounds of IVF to get my DS. The last year is by far the hardest year I think I’ve had - mat leave is harder than work!! As a PP said - the newborn stage after going through god knows what to get the baby here has been challenging.

For me and DH, we wanted to be sure we’d tried all we could before calling it a day on the baby journey - but I think if this last round hadn’t have worked out, we would have obvs been sad and disappointed but equally we had (!) a great life and that would have been ok too.

The fact that is has worked is in itself a miracle and I’m pleased that we continued to pursue the dream despite how hard it was to get here and how horrendous I am with sleep deprivation!!

You may need to dig deep and admit what it is you really do want - what’s your gut instinct on it as that’s usually right, even if it’s hard to say what that is.

It sounds like what you actually want is to work towards going part time so you should be looking to reduce your outgoings, something a child definitely won't help with. Neither OH nor I work full time, we're not ambitious or materialistic and live very frugally by choice but we love it and having more time together while we're still young (thirties) and can enjoy things and prioritise fun is great.

@Catsstillrock that's the problem though and why many people misunderstand my feelings because that 1 in 8 I can assure you were not all people like me on the fence.

It's actually more commonly IMO judging from threads on here about regret for regret to sink in for those who never questioned having kids.

That's what's confusing because I hope I'll be a person that looks back and thinks it was the best thing that happened but if not then I'll be regretful but I'm relying on hope for that to be the case

@hamsterchump
You are absolutely correct. The first time I got pregnant was an accident. It was one time accident and when I looked at my calendar I was not in fertile window so I thought that's fine thank god but like I said I'm sure I have hyperfertility so got pregnant anyway. Then I had a strange reaction post reaction to the first miscarriage, I think it honestly was like a kind of Post partum depression like thing that happened as the pregnancy hormones decreased. I instantly wanted to be pregnant again with no actual thought of the having a child bit. So got pregnant instantly again with just I think 2 episodes unprotected sex the first month. The 3rd time was truely a mistake, I had taken 2 months of just looking after myself, we were using condoms and I was feeling good. The 3rd month I randomly said will we not use condoms this month, again with no actual thought of the having a child part and again I got pregnant that month.
You are absolutely correct about my goals. I already live frugally, and I've actually already requested a reduction to 24hrs and I'm feeling really happy and optimistic for this. My husband really wants me to go to 24hrs.
We have a lovely house which we have renovated very frugally and I love it.
I have minimal outgoings other than mortgage, council tax, bills. We share one cheap car, no car payment and no subscriptions etc.
I am in love with my little dog she is just the most beautiful wee thing. My happiest times are walking my dog and being in nature.
We are thinking of getting a second dog. Maybe a couple chickens(at some point not soon).
I live close to all my family and friends and have a wonderful social life.
You are correct the past 10 months for me have been a bit ridiculous to be honest. But the first accidental pregnancy and miscarriage set off a whole chain of events and it all seemed to happen so quickly. I honestly feel like it's only now I'm thinking more clearly and able to step back and look at it all.

@hamsterchump
My family don't expect me to have children but my family are obsessed with my nephews and life revolves around them.
I have some friends that have no children but they are not childfree they talk about having children in the future.
Most of my friends have children already.
I feel a bit odd one out.
My mother and sister are the sort of women who live for children.
My mum is one of the examples of she just lives for grandchildren and outwith that has nothing. She is still with my dad but they are deeply unhappy. Most of my aunties divorced when the kids reached uni age/moved out.
I have one aunt and uncle together and they also are unhappy/cheating in the past on eachotehr.

@hamsterchump
I also find people/society are critical of child free women who go part time but uts fine for mothers to do it. I find this hilarious when childfree women need much less money than mothers. I have had hypocritical comments from my own mother re going part time. When I earn far more part time than she ever would full-time and she's been part time for years and years when we were young.

I think that having to seek fertility treatments does mean you really deeply think about what you actually most want.

I have friends you went through a huge amount to end up pregnant and others who decided that being child free was the right option for them.

I realized I absolutely wanted to be a mother but would adopt if straight ivf with my/DH genetic material didn't work.

When we discovered we would need ivf I realized how important being a mother was to me but I had friends who made other equally valid but different decisions.

How old are you? You sounds really similar to me in outlook (minus the few recent pregnancies), I'm 34 but not that many of my friends have children, those that do have all split and seem so much more unhappy than before, especially the women, who never seem to be allowed out again and just spend all their time doing kiddie stuff that would bore me to tears. OH and I are also some of the only happy people we know and made a similar pact to love eachother the most and put eachother first/save eachother first over any children that might arise (before we realised we weren't into being parents at all), weird, you're the only other person I've ever heard say something similar I think.

I too don't understand why so many people allow themselves to become obsessed with their children to the detriment of their primary relationship. They seem surprised and bereft when the children grow up and leave them to start their own lives and they only have their OH left who they've ignored for 20 years.amd have the ick for. Then they're shocked again that it's more difficult that they thought to meet someone new and no one is queuing up to always be second best to someone else's children!

Surely the whole point of raising children is that they do move out and have their own life? The unconditional love only flows one way; downwards from parent to child so they shouldn't expect to get that either.

One way I look at it is I wouldn't want a child to come and live with us, even if they were the most accomplished, polite and loving child ever, I just wouldn't get anything out of it I don't think and that's if they were perfect which I couldn't expect my child to be!

I also know I could never cope with a disabled child and would end up resenting them and how they'd ruined my life, and so many children seem to have disabilities or conditions or mental health problems nowadays.

I think if you are thinking you would only like the first year then what you are actually craving is something small and warm and cute to look after so a puppy or kitten would be a better idea, they don't leave home when they grow up and you will get all the snuggles and affection you can handle. We have two cats and I feel very maternal and close to them but babies just leave me cold. I think it's knowing there's a real potential person in there sort of trapped in this feeble body and waiting to get out plus I just don't find them cute at all.

Sounds to me like the loss/guilt over the first pregnancy really did a number on you. I've never been pregnant so I can't really relate to that.

I think if your life is already nice and you're not yearning for it then children are just too much of a risk. You don't know if they will be happy and healthy or if you will be either after you have them so I can't see the point. They don't exist at the moment so it just seems safer to leave them that way.

Oh life's too short to care about that! They're surely just completely nakedly jealous anyway! The way I see it is life is short and uncertain and not promised and no one has the time do anything other than what makes them most happy. Don't throw your life away on people that don't exist and probably wouldn't thank you for dragging them into this world anyway! If you're happy and content as you are and in a good relationship and can afford to go part time then you're in a tiny minority of very lucky people, don't ruin it!