To think fertility issues makes you question if motherhood is worth the hassle

[josil]

My next step is to get some private treatment but I've had the referral letter in my bag for two weeks and just can't even be bothered to send it to my insurer to book in the initial examination to sort my fertility problems.

I can't be bothered for this aggro. I first fell pregnant three years ago age 33 and it that had worked out I didn't have time to bother thinking about the logistics of it and I'm sure it would have worked out fine.

Now three years later I have to have an operation to fix the fertility issues, I haven't even got to IVF yet which still light be necessary after but I just cannot be bothered with it all.

I don't know if I feel like this due to mental exhaustion of it all or wether it is a sign to just forget the whole thing.

I question if I really wanted it wouldn't I have sent off the referral letter by now and be desperate to get treatment asap or is it just a sign of burnout?

I can't seem to look at this objectively hence why I'm posting!

@josil What are your reasons FOR wanting a child? You've listed plenty against but none for I don't think, unless I've missed them.

Have you spent time thinking about what your life will look like with a child at different ages and whether that is really what you want? You don't sound very keen to be honest, I'm wondering what got you started on this this journey.

@hamsterchump
I will be 31 in July, my husband is 35.
I totally agree with 100% of what you have said and I agree I've never really met anyone in real life who feels the same as me and you.
I've been with my husband nearly 6 years, married for 3. He is the sort of man that if I picked all the qualities I wanted in a husband it is 100% him. I think you and your OH sound the same as us. I think the fact you don't see that in other couples is because what we have found in terms of level of compatibility is actually quite rare. I feel so lucky to be in this position. He was on the fence after marriage (liek me never gave much thought to kids pre marriage as neither of us have never desired it). Now he doesn't want children. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how obsessed he is with me and I honestly feel the same way.
I also agree with your statements about women being confused and bereft when their children move out and often don't have much time for them. I cant understand their confusion either, this is nature. Like how have they not planned for that.
And about unconditional love only going from mother to child and not the other way. Absolutely yes but never really had that thought before.
My husband and I also had the chat of we would always save eachother first and this is truely how we feel (I think most couples wouldn't understand this though).
I agree with the nurturing thing like you say. I have a 5 year old dog who behaves like a little baby and I love that she will never grow up. She is exceptionally affectionate. And I am not lying when I say I honestly think I would love her more than a child 😂
The first pregnancy was the worst because it was a shock, the subsequent miscarriages were less shocking and the instant pregnancies as they went on also weren't shocking. But the first pregnancy was a twin one, it went on the longest and I was the sickest (honestly if I had been told at the time I was dying I wouldn't have been shocked). I could barely stand, my husband had to wash me I was so unwell I've never felt anything like that in my entire life. I think the twin high level hormones made the post miscarriage time so hard and I think that's why it was like a post partum depression following really high hormone levels, I was absolutely not myself.

I also agree with the person trapped in the feeble baby bodies. I have said in my younger years that I view babies not so much as innocents (in the way I view animals) but as the potential arseholes they are likely to become 😂.
I said to my mum recently that I don't know anyone that I would be happy to have as my adult child so what's the chances I would actually get on with my own children lol
I feel my ridiculously high compatibility with my husband is a once in a lifeltime/ such a rare occurrence and don't expect a personality compatibility to happen with my own children.
As I've grown up I realise how different I am from my own family members in terms of personality and compatibility.
Myself and my husband have also said a disabled child would ruin our lives and he feels far more strongly about that than me and like you said kids with issues is so common these days.
Im happy you posted today its nice to realise im not alone as a woman with these thoughts. I do think more women feel a little like us but are not honest.

I had a lot of IVF and it never worked. If I had my time again I honestly would not bother with it, I would embrace childfree life (which I have now done).

The knowing you'd save eachother first is definitely very unusual, there have been loads of threads on here in the past where posters discuss at length how they would gladly use their OH as a human shield to protect their babies. Some even say they'd throw him under the bus to save random, unrelated children! Now that's a relationship indictment if I ever heard one!When I realised I couldn't relate to that at all I thought it was a pretty big sign motherhood wasn't for me.

I know people say that they feel a rush of unconditional love like nothing they ever felt before but even that wouldn't do it for me. I'd remember how I felt before and feel brainwashed I think. Plus I don't think unconditional love is real love really, it's animalistic and primal yes but in my opinion lesser. People say they would still love their child if they were a rapist or murderer so love is the default, they can't help it, there's no choice there and no expectation.

It wouldn't feel like real love to me which is based on mutual respect, love, fun, laughter and cherishing eachother and being best friends not just sharing genes. If just the act of being born gets you unconditional love is that love really worth anything? Plus so many people are arseholes and more are just mediocre, but their mummies still love them! A mother's love is so easily had.

Plus like you say there's no guarantee of compatibility with your children. My Dad has just recently died so I've been spending more time with my Mum and while I do love her and like her, she is very different to me (she's an extrovert and I'm an introvert) and I do find the extra time and all the chatting she wants to do wearing sometimes. I definitely would never want to live with her again, I was immediately so much happier when I moved into one room with my boyfriend (same one) 15 years ago.

I will admit I used to have a romantic notion of having a child who was half me and half OH and seeing what they'd look like and be like etc and teaching them everything and shaping them etc. But having two nieces and a nephew (one with SEN) has disabused me of such silly things. From what I've seen you have very little influence over your own children and they are so much more likely to listen to other people and take on what they say than you, which when I realised it, made perfect sense to me as I have never been one to confide everything in or take too much advice from my parents and I don't know anyone who has.

It really sounds like you've had a lucky escape I must say! Get thee to some condoms/pills/etc immediately! 😁

I think you have a very good point. I've spent 7 years and 40 grand going through grueling fertility treatment. Couldn't afford the UK clinics so had to go abroad with all the stress that entails.
My 30s have basically been all about ivf. It's not a good way to live. I haven't been able to plan or afford anything in 7 years. Your life is on hold. And don't even get me started on the trauma of miscarriage.
I'm not 14 weeks pregnant and I'm an absolute anxious mess. This is the hardest part so far. It's all incredibly challenging and if you don't have the deep motivation then don't start. It's like gambling - "just one more go".

I am*

The knowing you'd save eachother first is definitely very unusual, there have been loads of threads on here in the past where posters discuss at length how they would gladly use their OH as a human shield to protect their babies.

Me. i would. I would use my OH, myself and even another child as a shield to my children!

I find it very strange to think you know who would save without actually meeting the other person in the equation ie your unborn child

Hi @josil

I feel you, although I’m not yet diagnosed with infertility. We were TTC for about 7 months, with all the tracking, tricks, etc. I was obsessed with the thought.

Then we had to stop due to me having a surgery (not fertility related) and I had a breaktrhough. I spent two weeks recovering from the surgery, doing absolutely fuck all. DH would provide me with all I needed before leaving for work, and Id spend 7-8 hrs watching Netflix, eating, doing my nails, reading, smoothing my cat, and it just occurred to me how much I enjoy our little 2 adults 2 pets set up. And had we had kids, I would not be able to have 2 weeks of just me, myself and I.

Its like I just understood that I don’t HAVE to
have kids. It’s not mandatory to be a parent. I started to imagine what the next 20 years
of my & DHs life would be without night feeds, baby groups, school runs, etc and you know what? I think we would be just fine. Like, I feel content and at peace with it being just me and DH.

We were supposed to resume TTC this month but to be honest, I just don’t want to. The baby fever is gone. I’ve been to my friends DD second birthday party few weeks ago, and as much as they’re cute and adorable, I was just so happy to be back home, having a late dinner and watching a film with my DH. I’ve got so many babies in the family and my sister will have one too I’m sure, I’m starting to feel like it’s enough for me to contribute to their upbringing, take them
on days out, etc.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I would have really hard time sacrificing and adjusting my current life. I’m sure I’d love my child, and that’s what you do - you just crack on. But as I said before, I don’t have to do it. And I’m weirdly at peace with it not happening.

I’m not saying I’ll never change my mind about it. It’s just at the moment I can picture my childfree
life quite easily!

I don't want children either - most of the time - but am a "fence sitter" for some of the same reasons you've mentioned. The only things that keep me 'on the fence' are thoughts like this:

1. If I don't have my own family, I will be completely alone in middle age (only child)
2. I won't even have friends, really, because they will focus on their families and invest less in friendships, I will not matter to them
3. There is a chance that it wouldn't be as boring, draining, expensive and joyless as it all seems

In essence, I just fear loneliness. But like you've also said - children grow up, fly the nest and sideline their parents anyway 99% of the time! I don't know what I want. I can't imagine being a parent. Maybe I should get a couple of dogs.

There is a chance that it wouldn't be as boring, draining, expensive and joyless as it all seems

i am a single parent and this is not something I even remotely recognise as being my life as a parent. Not even remotely.

Going part time with children is not the same as going part time without children. If you want to work part time, then do - you don't need children to have an excuse to go part time.

If you go part time because of children, the rest of your time isn't leisure time - for me anyway - if I'm not working, I'm looking after my children. I get very very little downtime.

For my first child, I pretty much just did whatever I needed to do to get pregnant. I was very focused on it and just went through the motions of IVF, and looking back now it was such an intense slog. So many appointments, forms to fill in, people to give your history to, blood tests, waiting lists, invasive procedures etc. Because I’d never done it before I just sort of plodded through it all one step at a time. It was all consuming.

Now the decision is whether to try for a second with a frozen embryo and now…I just think my mindset is so different. I know exactly how hard raising a baby / toddler is and how much it’s changed my life. I have a beautiful, healthy child and my life is adjusted to this now. To start again with all the uncertainty of ivf… the appointments, the drugs, the admin, the side effects…the risk to myself and any potential baby with pregnancy and birth. The grief and stress if it didn’t work. The expense. It’s just so much work and time!! I very much understand. I have had many moments of bitterness that getting pregnant comes so easily to many people and doesn’t have to involve the level of agonising and effort that we have.

It was absolutely worth it the first time round for me though and I’m very proud of having gotten through it. An intense time, but with a good outcome. I don’t think I have it in me to roll the dice again though.

I have seen many friends go through years and years and years of infertility and it consumed them every day. The appointments, treatments, failures, heartbreaks and disappointments were constant and I used to wonder how they found the strength to carry on. Their whole life seemed to be dictated on the journey to get pregnant so I understood it must have been something they really, really wanted because otherwise why would someone willingly put themselves through it.

Thankfully me and DH never felt particularly strongly about having children and we always said that if it happened great, but if not we wouldn’t have gone down the IVF route. I imagine that was partly because of what we’d seen friends and family go through.

It seems to be pretty gruelling so there’s absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that motherhood isn’t going to happen and instead just enjoying everything else in your life.

@Needsomeadvice33 I felt the same as you at your age and, do you know what? I still feel it at 48. I knew then that I didn't really want children but kept my options open for a good decade, waiting for the urge or whatever, but it never came.

Let's be honest, you may never get past that 10 week stage, so is it really worth pursuing having a baby and wasting so much of the great life you have now?

Yes, childfree women are treated shabbily by some sections of society, but is that really a good enough reason to have a child? By the time you get to my age you find yourself surrounded by people with grown up children or no children so you're out of the baby bubble years. I honestly can't remember the last time I had to endure the company of a young child.

Your work too...you can change jobs, take a sabbatical and even go part time without children....in fact it's all a damn sight easier to do so.

Either way, at 30 you have time on your side, so at the least you can take a break and have a think about what you want from your life. Good luck whatever you choose.

@thesurrealist @hamsterchump
Thank you for both your messages.
Helped me think through my current predicament.
Basically children aren't right for me now, probably forever. I need to focus my time on myself and my husbands happiness.
I have contacted my boss and she is meeting me this week to discuss how we will schedule my shifts with a reduction to 24hrs.
I am not going to spend the money seeing this specialist downsouth.
I will finish my nhs tests as currently I'm being investigated for a blood clotting disorder as my clotting screen was abnormal. So I need to know that really. It also means I can't take hormonal contraception so that's a pain.
I think I will spend more time with my nephews as that helps to cement that I really dont want my own 😂😂.

Is it a bad thing to rethink? Taking the attitude that if life gives you lemons, you’ll make lemonade is mentally very healthy, imo.

Embracing child free life can be very fulfilling if that's what you want, I've got friends who are child free through choice and child free due to infertility and embraced it, they are both able to retire in their 50's and spend their time travelling. My other friends were also embracing child free life and had a surprise pregnancy at 47! (Having been told she was infertile)

No, it really isn't.

I went through hell and back to have my son. For almost 15 years... tests, examinations, surgeries, trauma, heartache, flatlining on a table.

He's the love of my life.

But I still stand by that 'no'.

I think part of the ambivalence is a bit of a defence mechanism (for me anyway). If you don’t admit how much you want it, it hurts less when it doesn’t work out.

Me too tbh, that bit didn't ring quite true to me. Or felt very naive. I don't have (or particularly want) children and I'm not very maternal, but there's no way you can say how you'd feel in that scenario without actually being in it. I got a puppy 2 years ago and could never have imagined how protective I'd feel over her, and she's a dog!

Fwiw. I lost five babies. I refused all subsequent investigations as I felt I had become less of an individual human, and more a walking problem needing to be solved by the nhs. We never had children.
Neither of us regret that decision. I have enjoyed working with children, but it only cemented that I was so glad nature took its course. Approaching retirement now, and still don’t regret it.
I have a friend with a child she had through ivf, she’s never parented her child - used nurseries, grand parents anything and anyone to avoid having to parent. Actually stated that it’s boring. Now the child is a teenager and wanting her own life, my friend is sad that they aren’t best friends. She loves her daughter, but openly regrets having had her. It’s a sad situation.

Do what’s right for you, not what society expects. If the two are not the same, it doesn’t matter, still do what’s right for you.

I think if more people struggled to get pregnant there might be a lot less children in the world. Most people don't really stop to think, they just get on with it, because that's what you do isn't it?

I never enjoyed other peoples children, I never had an overwhelming desire to be a mother. But you got married and had children right? So I got married. And finally, hesitantly, came off the pill. It didn't happen with exH, and all the tests available on the NHS showed no major issues. Next step would have been a lot of changes of lifestyle etc to try and save and go down the private route. And you know what, anything I've ever really wanted in life I moved heaven and earth to get. But on that, I was in no hurry.

Turns out exH was, because he decided to get someone else pregnant behind my back.

I met soon to be DH2 8 years ago, still of child bearing age, and was clear I was happy childless and had no desire to have children.

I like to think my ovaries took control during the period I was with exH, because I would not have made a good mother, and I'm am very happy I do not have children. There's no harm in giving yourself options, but I think you're right to look at why you are hesitating.

You are projecting. You can’t possibly know whether the OP’s experience of motherhood would be anything like yours.

Agree with @CounsellorTroi
Its also a supremely insensitive thing to post on the sort of thread that doesn’t always end with a happy outcome. Fertility treatments don’t always work.