Worried that I don't have the patience to have a child

[Obsessedwithpizzas]

I'm of that age (31) where several friends have recently had children and a couple of others are pregnant. I'm just really undecided.

I have a partner, but I really like our current life and love the fact that I can do what I want, and have a lot of time to myself/ourselves.

I love having disposable income to spend on what I want, and pretty much just don't want to change my current life.

I also wonder whether I'd be patient enough. I work with nursery and reception age children and they can be very testing.

The constant 'why' questions, for instance, I was putting a coat on and a little girl asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was putting a coat on, and she asked me why.

The lack of ability to regulate noise levels, constant loud voices and screeching/whining (I'm very sensitive to noise).

Lack of spatial awareness so constantly banging into you, knocking drinks over, knocking things everywhere.

The constant nose picking.
Children in reception class love to stare at you for no reason even if you ask them to turn around.
Constant squabbling, "Sarah pushed me" type arguments.

Don't feel like I'd have it in me to go through a pregnancy and a birth after hearing the stories of my friends.

I am rubbish after no sleep.

I also work with elderly people, some whose children very rarely or never visit them at their care homes so I don't think it's even a guarantee of no lonliness.

I hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. Children are lovely and I do enjoy working with them, I just don't know if I am willing to sacrifice so much and change my life.

Absolutely fair enough, don’t have them! You’re right all those things are issues and if there isn’t any positives for you, enjoy your freedom!

Thanks for your understanding. Maybe I would feel differently in a couple of years, who knows

Then just don’t have them. You haven’t listed one positive thing about children or any reasons you would want to. You say you are undecided but you don’t come across that way. It’s absolutely okay to not want children and to not have them.

I don't like other people's children. I love mine very much though! They don't stare at me very often 😝

I honestly couldn't do your job. I have nothing to say to small kids. They makeme uncomfortable. Mine were OK though somehow. And now they're older they are good company.

But you really don't have to have any.

You're right, I haven't listed a positive.
But I would love to hear on here what the positives have been for people who've had children

Yup, that's about the measure of it. FWIW, I find all the things you describe immensely irritating too, but being a parent is also incredible in a way that's difficult to quantify or describe.

Ultimately though, if you don't want children, there really is no obligation to have them 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe it's because there are 30 of them all at once, probably amplifies it all. One on their own may be different

You're right. Kids can be really draining. Don't have them if you don't want them.

I'm not telling you to have children but from experience your own are infinitely more tolerable than other people's!

No one is forcing you to have them. You don't need to have them if you don't want to. Other things to remember as that you don't need to have more than one. So the annoying 'pack' like behaviour isn't always necessary. You also have some influence in how they behave too. So just because everyone's kids are shitbags, doesn't mean yours will be.

I think that people that sit there and weigh up the pros and cons, and are honest about who they are, and what they really want, when it comes to the question of 'to have kids or not to have kids' are worth their weight in gold.

I would personally say, unless you are very much prepared to give up pretty much all you've got (hopefully you won't have to, but just in case. . . ), and that both of you feel the same way - don't do it.

No, you don't sound like a horrible person.

I always assumed I'd have children until I worked as an au pair and then as a teacher.

Children are incredibly noisy, stressful and irritating. Most were lovely most of the time but some were so incredibly annoying and obnoxious that I felt my blood pressure rising to the point I felt ill. It put me in a terrible mood for hours and I was often drained and depleted for the entire evening after work.

I also found the constant bickering and 'she pushed me, he said this' shit intolerable.

I'm aware that it's probably different with your own and yours would hopefully not be the horrible whiney unpleasant ones, but you would still need to be around the awful ones. You'd have to take your kids to parties, Brownies, swimming or whatever and deal with other people's children.

It's weird how so many people with kids find it 'selfish' to decide not to have them because I think it's one of the most selfish things a person can do. Anyone I know who has chosen not to have kids has made an active choice for a very, very good reason. They've thought it through and weighed up the pros and cons. Many parents just seem to sleepwalk into it and have zero self awareness regarding their suitability for being a parent.

First of all, nobody is forcing you to have kids, you don’t have to have them at all if you don’t want to, I would go as far as saying that if your partner/mother/family insists, you stand by your decision and let the world role.

But there is something strange when you have your own children, your body gets full of hormones and you even start enjoying other people’s children screeching with happiness.

But again, it is your decision and honestly it is not an outlandish one, many people choose not to have them and they are perfectly happy.

Now, having a children rant when you have none in a parenting site… are you trying to create a stir??? If so, save it, we have our own children and now they are much more difficult than what you imagine when you don’t have one! 😂

You're still young and have loads of time to decide. Not having children is a completely valid choice and doesn't need justifying, but equally give yourself permission to change your mind later on if that's what you want.

I was a primary teacher so I understand your reservations, but I honestly have endless patience for my own child. It's a completely different experience. I still can't bear other people's children (no longer teaching thankfully!).

Don’t have them. I know a couple of couples who really wanted them a lot and have decided it was a mistake. If you feel like this now I really wouldn’t do it. You can’t put them back and it’s frowned upon to abandon them.

What does your partner think?

There have been hundreds of threads on here, as you’d imagine on a parenting site, listing the positives and negatives, which you may find interesting. You’ll see how your friends are finding it too.

But none of that is relevant if you don’t want them, you sound happy with your life so you’d be daft to change it.

It depends on your child and how many you have. It's just me and DD and she has never been a loud child in fact other loud children have always irritated her. She's a teen now and sits in the living room with me with her headphones on so she doesn't disturb me whilst listening to her music. We've always gotten on well and she's a brilliant companion for city breaks and theatre trips etc.

Children asking you why is how they learn about the world. Can't get out of that one but you can teach them boundaries and when enough is enough.

Childhood illnesses and runny noses feel different when it's your own child.

My Dd has no siblings so never argues or tattle tales to me about what they are doing. Although she does grass me up to my mum if I do something she knows her nan wouldn't approve of 😁

Spatial awareness Dd has never been particularly clumsy, but you just put breakables out of reach and give them non spill cups.

All children are different of course and you don't know what you get until they arrive but in my experience I provided DD with a calm home and she's a calm child. I think adding siblings alters this though and I was certainly glad to have an only during lock down.

The best thing being a mother has bestowed upon me is patience. Pre children I had no patience whatsoever and would get quite annoyed with people who faffed about. I'm now a zen master in the face of extreme faffing and annoyance, it's done wonders for my career and my management style 😄

Other people's kids are properly annoying though, and I still do have to walk away from DS at times and just take a second when he's really got one on him.

my friend bought her DS over for tea with my DD (both 1 year olds).

He was sat eating his fish fingers with a really runny nose, no matter how much his mum wiped it. and I genuinely couldn’t look at him it was making me want to throw up seeing his nose all snotty. Absolutely vile.

Looked over to my DD with a massive green bogey - doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Actually thought she looked quite cute. Would happily wipe it off with my finger and onto a tissue if I needed to.

seriously… it’s VERY different when they’re your own

I've been a teacher for a looong time, mostly secondary but also some primary. Dealing with classes of 30 children (of whatever age) bears no resemblance to interacting with and looking after your own child. None. I'm not going to try and convince you to have children, but it is pointless to compare the little annoyances of other people's children with the way you will feel about your own. I'd also say that teaching didn’t teach me anything about how to be a parent, but becoming a parent changed me as a teacher!

Your own children are a completely different proposition. I have three (now teens) and although it has been hard and they drive me up the wall sometimes we never had shrieking or nose picking (was also a teacher but secondary as primary aged children generally drive me up the wall). It’s been the hardest and best thing I have ever done and they are my favourite people in the world. Having said all that, I knew I wanted children and honestly it’s been a slog at times: but I always felt it was worth it. Children are massively hard work: if you aren’t sure about taking it on that’s absolutely valid and don’t feel you must.

Honestly don't understand these threads. If you don't want kids don't have them. It's not the only way to live your life. I spent my 20s determined not to have them. Then I changed my mind, wanted kids more than anything, so I had them. If I hadn't wanted them I cannot for the life of me imagine why I would have questioned that!

I was that child always asking questions and up to something and I drove my mother spare. Waking her up to say I wanted to to go the toilet when I was able to go on my own then waking her back up to tell her I'd been. I didn't want to be on the receiving end of a little me 24/7. I like my sleep and I like doing my own thing, lie ins until 10am or later. Going out on a whim, staying in when I want.

I would have hated to have a boy and stand in the cold watching him play football and feigning joy at his goal scoring skills. Similarly watching swimming lessons or ballet classes.

However I'm an Auntie and my niece is a joy. She's nearly 12 and just a bit taller than me (not hard when you haven't achieved getting to 5 foot). I have her when I want, which when asked I jump at the opportunity. She's happy picking and naming caterpillars and worms in my garden, she loves nature like I do, we laugh together, craft and cook together and I give her back at the end of the day. My house does feel empty when she goes home but there's more to parenthood than making the occasional fairy cake and it was something I didn't want full time.

I find other people's children really irritating but I do have infinite patience for mine. My brain is so fried I often don't really hear what they are saying which helps. I am not sure about the advice not to have them. If you didn't think you might want them, you wouldn't be asking.

I agree with everything you listed. I wish I was more self aware before having my DC. It was a struggle when she was a child and still is at times (she's a young adult now). If I knew myself then like I do now, I wouldn't have any. But I should've known as I used to be a summer camp counselor and I refused to be in charge of the little kids group as I found them boring and annoying. And I never liked babysitting, not even my own sister so that should've been a sign that I didn't have the patience for children, especially any under the age of 10. 😂

The positives for having children in the context of what you’ve written is that they’re nothing like other people’s children. It’s one thing I don’t think you can base your decision on - I still dislike other people’s kids but love my own beyond anything. Fair enough if you want to keep your own time / income / don’t think you want to deal with pregnancy and birth etc though.