Worried that I don't have the patience to have a child

[Obsessedwithpizzas]

I'm of that age (31) where several friends have recently had children and a couple of others are pregnant. I'm just really undecided.

I have a partner, but I really like our current life and love the fact that I can do what I want, and have a lot of time to myself/ourselves.

I love having disposable income to spend on what I want, and pretty much just don't want to change my current life.

I also wonder whether I'd be patient enough. I work with nursery and reception age children and they can be very testing.

The constant 'why' questions, for instance, I was putting a coat on and a little girl asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was putting a coat on, and she asked me why.

The lack of ability to regulate noise levels, constant loud voices and screeching/whining (I'm very sensitive to noise).

Lack of spatial awareness so constantly banging into you, knocking drinks over, knocking things everywhere.

The constant nose picking.
Children in reception class love to stare at you for no reason even if you ask them to turn around.
Constant squabbling, "Sarah pushed me" type arguments.

Don't feel like I'd have it in me to go through a pregnancy and a birth after hearing the stories of my friends.

I am rubbish after no sleep.

I also work with elderly people, some whose children very rarely or never visit them at their care homes so I don't think it's even a guarantee of no lonliness.

I hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. Children are lovely and I do enjoy working with them, I just don't know if I am willing to sacrifice so much and change my life.

Positives - there are loads! I love having kids! Mine are teens now.

I really really wanted them beforehand though, so I was happy to put up with the sleepless nights, no quality time with DH etc. Think about it carefully if you're not sure. Its absolutely fine to decide that it's not for you.

I'm not having kids. I'm 38 and DH is 40. We've been happily together for 17 years.
We've never wanted kids enough to blow our lives to pieces. We love our current lifestyle and we've, so far, not felt like anything is missing. The constant busyness of my mum friends, and their total lack of peaceful time for themselves, makes me feel ill to think about.
But most people have kids and you probably will too OP.

You don't want children.

Don't have them.

This is not a difficult question.

Completely reasonable and well thought through! Though yes, 30 at a time is very different as you’re getting the sum (maybe more than) of all their most annoying habits. Children are so different and any one will only share some of these traits. Thing is you don’t know what you’re going to get, and there’s no way to find out without making the biggest gamble of your life.

When your biological clock kicks in a few years from now, re read your post and stay on contraception.

It's really not compulsory to have kids.

You don't have to decide just yet! I didn't decide to leave it to chance until I was 36. As a result of my father dying I realised how important family relationships were to me. Having a child has enriched my life immensely, despite the inevitable down sides you have listed. If it was that bad people wouldn't have a second or third. Anything worth doing is difficult.

But what if she had them and really, really hated it?

This is what I worry about. If you regret NOT having them, you feel sad. If you regret having them, you've really ruined your life and theirs.

What does that feel like? I'm about to be 37 and have yet to notice any biological clock.

If you work with children you'll find your own easy peasy!

Kids are like farts, you don't mind your own but other people's can be awful.

I have 2 DC and I have worked with children (been a childminder and I have worked in school). I have only worked with children SINCE becoming a mum and I'm thankful that I didn't work with children BEFORE having my own because, my god, it would have put me off!

The reason that the children you work with are testing is because they're not raised right 😉 (only said slightly tongue in cheek), your child/ren will be.

Btw, when I was a child if I ever asked "why?" my mum would should shout "because it's not a bloody Z that's why, so stop asking!" (Y isn't a Z 🙄).

Oh yes and as previously mentioned, there's nothing wrong with not having kids. You don't need to!

My example was based purely on the fact that I always wanted them and love having them but working with children would have changed my mind.

Everyone's different, which is a good thing.

I think that from a practical and financial and health (esp mental health) perspective then having DC's is never a good thing on paper/in advance. Ie. If everyone just weighed it up sanely and logically they'd come to the conclusion that it'd be foolish to give up their financial security, sleep, ability to work etc!!

However, I knew I did want a family and am very glad I have them. (I've reflected on this since having 3 children and maybe it is because my childhood was difficult and traumatic and having a family was healing for me). Hence, I think people who 'know' they want children may have other reasons, which don't fit logic or reason and maybe quite selfish or personal. They don't necessarily think all children they encounter are adorable, but rather they genuinely look forward to bonding with and creating a family with their partner (or none) and their children.

In my case, I like my role in my family and I love love love my DCs, but the noise drives me nuts at times, the lack of sleep in the early years was horrendous and the lack of financial security/loss of career keeps me awake at night!! Plus the bickering is rubbish!!

My first DC was also very ill and so I spent most of the first year of motherhood sleeping on a camp bed in hospital and have been caring for her ever since (she now has a serious long term condition and requires a lot of care) so in my experience it's a complete leap into the unknown and a big dice roll.

Only you can know if you want to do that.

For me every morning when I'm getting myself ready for work I always wonder in pure astonishment how there must be hundreds of thousands of parents out there right now in the very same moment getting not only themselves ready but a small human or two as well. They have to clothe, feed and get the kid to school on time with the PE kit and the history project and god knows whatever else yet they have to be seated by their desk at work for 9am and they must do this 5 days a week and come the weekend they don't even get to switch off. Indeed even when they come home from work there's just more chores and 'stuff' to do. I think about this most mornings.

I rambled so I didn't get to my point. My point being yanbu. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Don't have kids unless you have an overwhelming, consuming primal urge that posses you day and night that you need to be a mother. I'll only have kids if I get that level of yearning; anything less would mean a life spent with bitterness and regret.

Do you want MN to change your mind? Cause not having kids is perfectly fine.

I was like you at 32, enjoyed life and didn't want to give up my freedom. Quite disliked children though I had little contact with any.
However at 36 we decided to have children as we both thought we might regret not doing.
It was the best decision of my life, having children was a joy beyond anything imagined. Had two and they are both adults now.

I still don't like other people's children.

Kids are pretty gross.

Snot, and all the "other stuff" that you have to deal with all the time the first few years.

Shudder.

I only really like them after they're 5 plus.

Absolutely...same here. I've got ADHD and really struggle to get myself out on time. I literally have a whiteboard with timings on it...06.01 - make coffee, 06.10 - get dressed, etc. I can't imagine having to deal with small children refusing to get up or fighting with each other or spilling milk down themselves at breakfast.

Even when I was a little kid myself, I used to think my mum's life seemed absolutely shit. I dreaded growing up because from what I could see, grown up life was miserable, monotonous and exhausting. An endless, tedious cycle of cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning for an entire family, all on top of a full-time job. I was nearly 30 when I realised it actually doesn't have to be like that.

{mention: pixie5121} I agree with absolutely everything you say! Especially the bit about how it can be the unavoidable interactions with other people’s kids that was a totally unexpected part of parenting but which has caused loads of stress.

@Tictactoenail said it right. I'm in my garden now listening to mayhem. Sipping on wine.
One was fine and quite enjoyable. Two was my tipping point. Constant undiluted noise.
I am looking forward to when they want to be in their rooms all the time! Currently 6 and 3 so the stuff of your nightmares - haha.

Enjoy your life. It's not for everyone but there are plenty of enjoyable stages and single moments in parenting also.

It's definitely personal choice. I knew I wanted children before I was even an adult and I love the bones off my children. There has been challenges but they are worth everything. But that's me. It's equally ok not to feel that way. Do you feel you have to make a definitive decision soon? Or is it something you would be comfortable to leave and see how you feel?

I hate babies. I can just about tolerate toddlers. I like older children to a point but I have to have some sort of connection to them (usually) if I’m going to spend a decent amount of time with them. I hate not sleeping and don’t cope well when I’m tired. I hate not being able to do what I want when I want and I don’t have a lot of patience.

My 7 week old daughter smiled the biggest smile at me today and I cried with happiness because it was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I wouldn’t have believed how happy it made me if you’d have told me before today.

We will only be having one though and I am finding this the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Kids are exhausting and you learn the art of patience 24/7 which is hugely draining. Having said that I still find it amazing that I have created these 2 little humans and the love is like nothing else. I never thought I wanted kids but when I struggled to have them it became all consuming and I did feel something was missing in me. Just couldn't imagine life without them now.

I couldn’t do your job. I struggle entertaining 1 child, let alone 30! If you left me in charge of a class of 30 I’d definitely be hiding under the table when you came back. I’ve yet to be found hiding under the table with DD!

If you do a pros and cons list for kids, there’ll always be more cons and the pros side is just feelings. Today, DD is trying to crawl so she’s made this frustrated whine all day because she can’t do it. When she’s not trying to crawl, she’s instead decided she doesn’t want to go down, so I’ve spent all day holding her. She doesn’t want daddy today, refuses to even look at him and scream when with him. Doesn’t like her food today. Doesn’t want to play today. It’s been a long, hard day. But at bedtime she sat through two stories and kept turning her head up to see me and snuggling her head into my neck as I was reading. Somehow that has given me the breath of fresh air that I need to carry on and do it all again tomorrow.

I was undecided and leaning towards not having kids until my periods went all over the place. Suddenly, I was disappointed I wasn’t pregnant and wanted a kid more than anything. You don’t have to have kids. You might suddenly wake up and know one way or another what you want. If you’re still undecided, you’ve got time.

I'm a solo mother by choice (via IVF and a sperm donor), and I always knew I'd like to have a chance to have my own family.

My son is bar far the best thing that's happened to me. I'd describe pregnancy, childbirth and the aftermath as the most visceral experience of my life. I was very bored of my previous life (the holidays, going out, socialising etc.), and I genuinely wanted a new dimension and direction in life, and I've certainly got that!

Now there's before and after when I talk about my life, it is literally a life changing event. It's tough and challenging at times, but for me it is the most creative and unique experience so far. I don't regret having a child I just wish I'd started when I was younger.