Worried that I don't have the patience to have a child

[Obsessedwithpizzas]

I'm of that age (31) where several friends have recently had children and a couple of others are pregnant. I'm just really undecided.

I have a partner, but I really like our current life and love the fact that I can do what I want, and have a lot of time to myself/ourselves.

I love having disposable income to spend on what I want, and pretty much just don't want to change my current life.

I also wonder whether I'd be patient enough. I work with nursery and reception age children and they can be very testing.

The constant 'why' questions, for instance, I was putting a coat on and a little girl asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was putting a coat on, and she asked me why.

The lack of ability to regulate noise levels, constant loud voices and screeching/whining (I'm very sensitive to noise).

Lack of spatial awareness so constantly banging into you, knocking drinks over, knocking things everywhere.

The constant nose picking.
Children in reception class love to stare at you for no reason even if you ask them to turn around.
Constant squabbling, "Sarah pushed me" type arguments.

Don't feel like I'd have it in me to go through a pregnancy and a birth after hearing the stories of my friends.

I am rubbish after no sleep.

I also work with elderly people, some whose children very rarely or never visit them at their care homes so I don't think it's even a guarantee of no lonliness.

I hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. Children are lovely and I do enjoy working with them, I just don't know if I am willing to sacrifice so much and change my life.

I guess for me it's how you 'see' your future. I saw mine with kids, hopefully grandkids and my life revolving around them. If you see yourself career focused, being the 'aunty' to other people's kids, travelling, visiting others for Xmas or having a quiet one etc. Fair enough.

I felt the same as you until my late 30s. I went on to have a couple of kids though as DH really wanted them and I feel completely different now! Mine don’t pick noses but they do squabble constantly. I wouldn’t be without them though. They’ve enriched my life hugely and I still have my career, social life etc. just way more exhausted now.

I would have been completely fine if I’d not had them though. It’s definitely a valid decision to not want to have any!

I think if you really wanted children you would know? There’s no obligation to have them, they are not some sort of developmental milestone for adults.

Having kids isn't obligatory - I don't want them either

Nothing wrong with not wanting children, different strokes for different folks and all that! Its good to be realistic, maybe one day you'll change your mind, maybe you won't- just go with the flow perhaps. Either choice is the right one for different people, life can be just as great either way.

You don’t have to honestly. In fact I’d say don’t. I’m 34, got accidentally pregnant. I was considering abortion but DH was so excited I kept it. I had a horrific pregnancy, could barely walk with spd or eat due to acid reflux. Had a traumatic labour that I think i might need counselling for. Baby is one week old today and I’m bonded and I think he’s sweet and everything but the feeding on top of the blood loss and injuries from pregnancy is killing me. I just keep telling myself this stage is just a small
part of his life and it’ll pass soon.

@BusySittingDown that reminds me what my Mother would say when I ask ed why. "Because why (Y) is a crooked letter and you should know better". I couldn't write or say what her reply to "but its not fair" was.

You do need a lot of patience. You can't be yelling at kids all day long for just being kids. They do make noise, they have no awareness of consequences, lack empathy and self control, they instinctively stand/sit/lie down exactly where you need to walk, they mither, they ask questions, they spill and break things
They can be pretty annoying and its hard to grin and bear it if you are tired and at the end of your tether. Mine are very small so I am hoping some of these conditions improve before long!

Of course they have many qualities too, they are joyful, they are funny, they will amaze you as they learn, they help you refind the wonder in the world and remind you how to play and be less self conscious. They are loving and loyal and they are the most beautiful creatures you have ever laid your eyes on.

So its not all bogies, grey hairs and sticky floors, but admittedly there is quite a lot of that!

Other peoples kids are generally full of faults - don’t forget you work in a place where a large proportion of parents will drop them off and breathe a sigh of relief for a few hours!

My dd(6) doesn’t screech around me and I spend a lot of ‘parenting’ correcting behaviours I don’t like but I’m also under no illusions she does a lot of things I wouldn’t approve of when she’s on her own turf at school etc. On the flip side there’s so much I do enjoy with her and I wouldn’t be without her - it’s been fascinating watching this little creature develop and grow into their own person. We had a minor disagreement over her hair the other day and honestly I was so proud that she stood her ground and it made me a bit sentimental in a weird way. She’s my family and I love her warts and all.

Ultimately though, you don’t need to convince yourself you want kids, you either do or you don’t, it’s really shouldn’t be something that you feel you have to tick off on life’s list. A PP’s post about how you see you’re future is pertinent. If you see your future including a family then yes, you will have to bite the bullet at some point in the fairly near future but if that’s not something that you easily envisage it’s not mandatory.

If you see your future involving children…

There’s more to being a family than just having children.

Yep, small kids are pretty much all of those things. I've gained the patience of a saint since having my 4 year old but you find immense joy in other things like their first laugh or when they start learning how to spell and you think they're the smartest person to have EVER existed because they spelt 'pig' in fridge magnets by themselves.

I would say, don't feel pressured into having kids because of society though. My mum had kids because my dad wanted them and all her sisters had kids. She wasn't a terrible parent but is still very emotionally absent. She openly admits she never wanted kids and that's not a very nice thing to know.

I felt the same way as you about children, but somehow I convinced myself to have one and 4 years in I still regret it. He's truly fantastic but I have zero patience and constantly battle with the guilt in my head because, deep down, I knew I'd feel like this.

Plenty of my friends have watched DH and I go through it and decided they'd rather not! What you're saying is totally fair and understandable. Although I've been told I seem like I'd be good with a teenager so maybe my time is still to come!

Children are like farts, you can stand your own but other people's are awful.

If you see your future involving children…

There’s more to being a family than just having children

I thought the implication was clear in the context of the conversation about having biological children, but it’s a fair point.

Taking it further though you don’t have to experience pregnancy and the early years to experience parenting. Fostering or adoption of older children are valid routes to fulfilling that desire if you meet the requirements and are fully aware of the demands they can place on you.

'Many parents just seem to sleepwalk into it and have zero self awareness regarding their suitability for being a parent'

Very well said. OP, you work with children so have much more of a clue about what you would be getting into than many people who are not parents. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to have children of your own. I wish more people gave it this level of thought

To the posters who said 'well just don't have them then', that's all very well , but there is still huge pressure on women to have children. It's absolutely presented as 'the norm' and something that every woman wants. It can be really difficult to step outside of that and make your own choice.

@Obsessedwithpizzas I think your post was very honest and I dont think you sound like a horrible person.

I also agree that you do have a bit more time to decide.

I however think your reasons were
listed with a focus on only the negatives, although a lot of your points are valid!

Just to balance your list I can only to tell you that yes I have lost a huge proportion of my disposable income, free time and sleep due to my 2 . DH and often joke about how different our lives/ weekends/ bank balances would be if we ditched the cost centres.

That said I cannot express strongly enough how much joy my children have brought to me. I love that we have each other and there are so many moments where i have been amazed by their sweetness, kindness, sense of humour, watching them develop their individual personalities, reach milestones etc - sometimes I feel my heart will burst with love which is very cliche but is my honest truth. I will pass you a sick bucket now 🙈.

Oh, also I had mine “late” (comparatively/ by societal timetables) - that was perfect for me in the end. I feel i was able to have a really good run at doing non child related stuff. I had 6 lovely years of marriage where we were free and did lots of fun stuff and basically were self serving.

I think that has really helped me to be less resentful about all the changes.

Best of luck with the decision process.

I'm not patient at all. This hasn't been a problem. Dh and I expected ds's to behave and be polite, and they are. Dh and I put things into place so dc knew how to behave right from the off. Don't get me wrong we've had loads of problems as well, some of the things ds1 did, and said to us were shocking! but we just dealt with it, ploughed on, as you do.

I don't like other peoples children. Don't even like my own most of the time. I like babies. I think I should've been a permanent wet nurse.

You don’t sound like a horrible person - you work with small children, so are massively overdosing! I would find being responsible for an entire class of under 5-year olds horrendous (I don’t even understand large swathes of what Reception age children are saying when they talk, as so many still can’t pronounce all their words properly, and I find that very aggravating…), and would also be far too impatient to work with the elderly. I adore my own children, however, and older children whose personalities and speech are far more clear and interesting. Also, my children are genetically related to me, which helps - they were not genetically inclined to snottiness, dribbling, shouting, bumping into things, or asking the same questions endlessly when they were little, so far as I can remember!

I am also dreadful on lack of sleep - that was the most difficult part when they were little. The rest of it could be stressful and worrying at times, but I have always adored my own children and hugely value the experience of being an important part of their lives and watching them develop and grow into the fascinating, lovely teenagers they are at the moment. I can’t imagine a life without my children now I have them, it would feel hollow. They are the biggest risk I have ever taken (they do make you a hostage to fortune), but also by far the biggest reward.

I can’t imagine a life without my children now I have them, it would feel hollow

I get what you mean but in reality if your specific children never existed you probably wouldn’t feel hollow as such because they’d never have taken up that space iyswim?

I had a longing for a baby and when dd came along she expanded my world rather than took the place of anything - although admittedly there are numerous areas that were/are considerably smaller for a while.

I’m not trying to nitpick but if someone’s trying to decide on having children at all I think it’s important not to frame children as something they won’t know they want till they have them. For some that’s true but it’s not a universal experience and I’ve talked to women for whom that expectation never materialises in reality despite their best efforts. It’s a risk or a gamble and there are numerous outcomes to be prepared for.

I love my son...other people children not so much 🤣

Watching milestones, being told I love you, those long unexpected cuddles, the funny things they say, their face lighting up when you get them a treat. Watching them learn new skills. There are loads of positives, they are all in my own opinion though, if you don't want children for all the reasons you listed, then fair enough (fyi my son never just stares at me, doesn't ask why hardly at all and has slept through the night since 10 weeks old...but does pick his nose alot 😂)

My SIL is a nanny and obviously loves children. She has seen close up what it involves to be a parent though and decided it wasn't what she wanted for herself.

She's 45 now so she didn't change her mind.

I agree - of course my life wouldn’t feel hollow if I had never had children, as my children would never have hollowed a space out in my emotional life if they didn’t exist. That’s why I chose the word hollow, not empty, or meaningless, as empty would imply the space had always been there and had not been created by my children’s existence, and meaningless would be saying my entire purpose is to have children, which is utterly ridiculous. And no way would I have had children if I didn’t know I wanted to have them. I definitely wanted children. Being impatient and actively disliking being surrounded by lots of other people’s small children didn’t put me off wanting to have my own children, though; nor did being very bad on little sleep. It made me cautious, but didn’t put me off and didn’t in any way mar the reality of having my own children.

It is, of course, supremely self-centred to love and be fascinated by the creation of ones own genetic offspring, but I will readily admit I find the concept of them actually having been created by me and my dh together absolutely fascinating and incredible. If I could not have my own children, I strongly doubt, therefore, I would have sought to adopt, or even to have gone through IVF, as at that point my impatience and dislike of lack of sleep would probably have been enough to put me off, and there are plenty of other things one can do with ones life if one wants, so it’s better not to hang ones happiness and fulfilment on only one life goal.

This -
I have a partner, but I really like our current life and love the fact that I can do what I want, and have a lot of time to myself/ourselves.
I love having disposable income to spend on what I want, and pretty much just don't want to change my current life.

Then don't have a baby! What's your problem? Having children isn't for everyone.

It doesn’t seem like you want children, and that’s fine, child free by choice is a valid life and can be a wonderful one!

I’m only 7 months in but I had years of TTC and fertility treatment to get here because I really really wanted a child. It is really hard, you have way way less time for yourself and partner, there’s a lot of drudge work, dirty nappies, cleaning and mess everywhere, the expense of childcare is eye watering, pregnancy can be ok or can be in constant pain, throwing up daily etc, birth can be lovely but for many people is agonising and traumatic, and I haven’t even got to the ages you find difficult yet!

But for me the positives are incredible, I wake up every morning to a little face that’s beaming at me because she’s so happy to see me, I’m her favourite person in the world and she holds her arms out to me when she’s tired/ hungry/ scared/ wants a hug, she loves to play and laugh, she’s learning new skills every day, the world is full of wonder and discovery for her and it’s amazing to see it through her eyes, when her little warm body is sleeping against me and I watch her I just feel so content, and whilst there are many, many challenges to come I’m hugely looking forward to each new stage with her.

But she will be my one and only, I have no desire to do any of it again and like you don’t like too much noise and would hate to spend lots of time refereeing arguments. I think I can be a good parent to one child and really hope she will be happy.