To give a different surname to our second child

[Hoping4second]

Partner and I are unmarried. We have a three yo called hisname-myname, which his family shorten to just hisname. I wanted to call her myname-hisname but gave in because it felt easier at the time, and my name comes after his in alphabetical order.

I do about 99% of the parenting, while working full time and earning about the same as him, and have done so throughout our child's life, including through 4 early pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. Not a single lie-in for my in 3 years and that's through pregnancy tiredness, blood loss tiredness, major work deadlines causing me to work late etc. I missed bedtime twice, once for work and once because I was at A&E for a miscarriage - so no social life at all for me on top of no sleep in the mornings. I've no reason to think this will be any different for this second child, it'll be me doing pretty much all the work.

Currently expecting our second child, which we are hoping will make it as it's outlived all the miscarriages by now.

I want to call it myname-hisname.

We're unmarried so I believe that's 100% my call. He can refuse to be on the birth certificate, that's 100% his call. But legally he has no say on the name.

Obviously he had a huge hissy fit, accused me of wanting to break up. I don't, it wouldn't be good for the children, although tbh personally I don't think it would change my own life that much.

But every other person I ask is going hmmm, bad idea, can't I compromise and let him have his way on this one, it'll traumatise the kids to have different last names etc.

I don't get it. The kids will know they're siblings, they'll have the same names just in a different order. In divorce/remarried families children have different last names all the time. I can see why a child would be unhappy because they have a long commute to see their other bio parent, or if they don't get on with the step-parent they live with, but different surnames from their siblings, really, is that an issue?

AIBU to not give him this?

Funnily enough, it traditionally went mumsame-dadsname when people double barrelled (if they did), because the final name is seen as more important, and was the one people would shorten to if anything.

I don’t really think they should have different names if I’m honest.

However, things at home sound awful. Why haven’t you had a lie in in three years? Why do you do 99% of parenting despite working the same hours and earning the same? This should be your focus, not the name.

I had a marriage like this, and ended up divorcing him after years of battling to be seen and appreciated.

He sounds awful and I would have left long before all of the pregnancy traumas, why are you with him still? But it's bonkers to give two full-siblings two different surnames.

Sadly, naming a child doesn't directly correlate to the amount of time spent caring for others or housework
It seems an odd thing to do, but your choice

With his family, they probably would have shortened it to just his name whichever way you put it.

But why should they have the same name though? I genuinely don't get it. It's double-barrelled so I assume they'll both change it eventually, maybe when they get married, to oneoftheirnames-partner'sname or something. Or else my grandkids will have full paragraphs for last names. They'll already share a few genes, parents, household, clothes, toys etc etc.

It's not unheard of. I have had families with different names and same parents at school. Usually 'mum's name', 'dad's name' 'double barrelled' in any combination.

We aren't married either. In our house we have:

• DP with his own last name
• Me with my own last name
• My DD from previous relationship (has her dad's last name so different to both ours)
• Our joint DD - has Myname-Hisname (because it flows better).

So all four of us have different surnames in our house🤣 (albeit youngest DD has a combination of two of them). But - my DDs are half siblings rather than full.

But I personally don't think siblings having different names in itself matters at all or is the real issue for you. I think the other issues in your relationship are the problem here.

My DDs have different surnames. DD1 has my name and DD2 has DH’s. DH and I are married but I never changed my name. This has never caused any problems. My daughters are now adult. DD1 is married and has kept her own name, DD2 is engaged and intends to do the same.

YANBU. It will be an easier sell if the baby's a girl. I know some families where the boys take the dad's surname and the girls get the mum's.

Families are complicated these days. Different surnames are not unusual. The only negative thing (other than your DP's ire) is that sometimes, some teachers or acquaintances might not realise they are siblings. We have a common surname and my kids don't look that similar, so teachers in their secondary school don't always realise they're related anyway. It really doesn't matter if they do or not, it's just a bit of small talk.

It's OK for you to feel strongly on this and to stick to your guns.

I have two friends who have given their DDs mum’s surname and their DSs dad’s surname. The children are absolutely fine with it, and it really isn’t anyone else’s business.

I understand your reasoning but I probably wouldn't do it because it would look a bit odd now to have one child with the same name the opposite way round. I did think it was more usual to have the mothers name first and then the fathers if you were doubling barreling though. If I was going to do anything at all with the names in your situation I'd just have my name and leave his out completely, that would be less odd imo.

I have to say though the name stuff isn't your biggest problem, your biggest problem is wtf is your childrens father not pulling his weight with looking after his child (soon to be children) ?

Why are you letting anyone shorten your child’s surname? In school they will be referred to as XY Double-Barrelled, ditto at the doctors and everywhere else.

If your DP’s family only use XY Hisname, they are dicks and you can correct them.

Honestly I'd scrap your idea and just give the kid your last name only, and leave him. You're doing all the parenting, burning yourself out while he does what exactly? Has a paddy because you want to change the order of the surnames?

That said I agree with PP that the order of the surnames doesn't really matter, and if his family are going to shorten the children's surnames to one name they will chose theirs regardless of the order. My DBro daughter has our family name as her surname but her mother's surname as one of her middle names. She seems to really regret it and has changed her as known as name to her surname and the kid is all sorts of confused and it's become a thing between my DB and DF and my niece's DM.

sorry I missed that your eldest is a girl, ignore my first para.

I honestly think this will cause maximum confusion with school etc. But you should definitely not be doing 99% of the parenting.

Honestly I don't think you should give full siblings different surnames.

I worked with two brothers, who must have been in their 60s. I didn't know they were related. And the one felt the need to explain why they had different names.
I don't think you should do that to your kids

@3peassuit

It hasn't caused issues for us either (yet! We are due to fly on holiday in august for the first time as a family of 4 with 4 different names on each passport so that will be interesting..... 😆)

But that aside the only issue I've ever had is, before I met my DP I was a single mum to DD1 for a number of years and if her school ever needed to contact me they would always call and say "oh hi, is that Mrs DD's Last Name?" I was never married to her Dad so she and I have always had different surnames, and I've only ever been Miss MyOwnName my whole life. I'd have to correct them multiple times. In the end I got a bit stroppy and would just say "it's MISS MyOwnName... as I've said a few times before". Eventually it stopped...... about 3 years later, I think. 🤣

I suspect his family will still shorten Mary Her-Him to Mary Him just like they shortened Joe Him-Her to Joe Him. But then how often are they using the surname?

Do school use full name? Does your son? If so I'm not sure what difference it makes other than having a "win" against a man you don't sound like your massively fond of.

I'd keep them the same, make sure the kids know their full name and that if they drop any bits, it's the middle bits that get dumped

If he asks why, tell him you've realised that it's just a name, which ultimately they'll likely change. What matters more is that you're there for them.

Once baby is here safely, I'd then start looking at splitting up. Kids aren't more traumatised by seperate parents than they are but living in an unhappy home

I'm sorry for all your losses xx

i personally think it'll be worse for the children to stay with him than it would be to leave.

id leave, give DC2 just my name & informally drop the 'his name' bit from their name (as long as it's not for fraudulent reasons, you can go by whatever name you like'. It's easily changed at school etc.

I'd give them the same name. His family are deliberately ignoring your name because they think your child should only have his. But in real life everyone considers the name which is last in the order to be the most important, so if you go 'your bane, his name' you are actually giving them what they want.

If I was you I'd start putting your child's proper full name on everything, esp school and doctors. Don't let your ils erase you!

I think your projecting what is the real issue here on to your child, and using their surname as a way to let off some resentment you've been feeling towards your partner and his family.

Reading your OP, it seems the issue is the partner. You're clearly not happy and there are very obviously issues there which are causing you to feel resentful towards him. Address those first before making this decision.

Honestly I'd scrap your idea and just give the kid your last name only, and leave him. You're doing all the parenting, burning yourself out while he does what exactly? Has a paddy because you want to change the order of the surnames?

This. He sounds awful.

The name isn't the issue here.

I'd give them the same double barrel just because it's easier.

I'd also be leaving your partner. Or having a VERY serious conversation with him about sharing the load.

Your whole relationship sounds unreasonable, giving different last name won't change it for worse I'm afraid.

it wouldn't be good for the children, although tbh personally I don't think it would change my own life that much.

^ these two statements don't correlate. If it wouldn't change your own life that much to split it means it's a shit relationship. If it's a shit relationship you'll be unfulfilled and eventually unhappy, but more importantly model to your children how all they can hope for in life is a shit relationship as that's what they'll grow up seeing as normal.

As for the surnames I'm married and our first has my surname our second has his, which was a compromise. I kept my surname.