To give a different surname to our second child

[Hoping4second]

Partner and I are unmarried. We have a three yo called hisname-myname, which his family shorten to just hisname. I wanted to call her myname-hisname but gave in because it felt easier at the time, and my name comes after his in alphabetical order.

I do about 99% of the parenting, while working full time and earning about the same as him, and have done so throughout our child's life, including through 4 early pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. Not a single lie-in for my in 3 years and that's through pregnancy tiredness, blood loss tiredness, major work deadlines causing me to work late etc. I missed bedtime twice, once for work and once because I was at A&E for a miscarriage - so no social life at all for me on top of no sleep in the mornings. I've no reason to think this will be any different for this second child, it'll be me doing pretty much all the work.

Currently expecting our second child, which we are hoping will make it as it's outlived all the miscarriages by now.

I want to call it myname-hisname.

We're unmarried so I believe that's 100% my call. He can refuse to be on the birth certificate, that's 100% his call. But legally he has no say on the name.

Obviously he had a huge hissy fit, accused me of wanting to break up. I don't, it wouldn't be good for the children, although tbh personally I don't think it would change my own life that much.

But every other person I ask is going hmmm, bad idea, can't I compromise and let him have his way on this one, it'll traumatise the kids to have different last names etc.

I don't get it. The kids will know they're siblings, they'll have the same names just in a different order. In divorce/remarried families children have different last names all the time. I can see why a child would be unhappy because they have a long commute to see their other bio parent, or if they don't get on with the step-parent they live with, but different surnames from their siblings, really, is that an issue?

AIBU to not give him this?

Personally I would give the siblings the same surnames, not for his sake, but for theirs. Children compare everything g and they may place some meaning upon the change that will cause discord. Changing the name will
Not solve the problems of unequal labour in the relationship. Address that separately..

It is a bad idea to do something that might negatively impact your DC only for your benefit. Let’s face it, the DC won’t care if they have your name or his name first, it is only you. Whereas the impact of having different surnames from eachother, awkward Q from friends or teacjers etc will impact them.

I’d use the same surname

OP, in your situation I would just leave this waste of space and change the name of the first kid you have to your name. You do 99% of the parenting and make the same as he does? What does he even bring to the relationship and he wants his name (read: stamp) on the child? He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't act like a parent.

Yes you should give the baby your surname.

And furthermore you should, for the purposes of school, doctors, etc, start referring to your three year old as “older child my-surname” too.

Because the three year old does also have your surname.

It'll be unusual when they're at school. The kids will ask why and surely you don't want them to say oh my mum didn't like my dad by the time I was born.

We have a three yo called hisname-myname, which his family shorten to just hisname.

Let them. In your shoes, I would give my second child the same surname and shorten both kids to “MyName”. That’s traditionally what’s done in any case; I worked with a couple of people who had “traditional” double barrelled names (and one chap who was triple barrelled!). They all, without exception, went by their last last name (if that makes sense).

My now adult children have different surnames. They are now in their mid thirties and mid twenties. Growing up, it was never an issue at school or anywhere else. Only one person has ever queried it and I answered with a Paddington Bear stare, told her that was how we liked it in my family and it wasn’t up for debate.

My DD has a double barrel name (mine first) and anytime it's ever shortened the 2nd name is knocked off 💁

Give them the same name but correct relatives Every Single Time until they get it.

And use your kids’ full names. Not shortened to Hisname only.

We used the names in the order they sound best.

Dc now use FirstnameHMyname @ as their e mail addresses. I.e the initial only of their father’s surname.

Then sort out your relationship issues.

Thank you everyone for your answers - lots of food for thought.

Give them the same name.

His family will drop your name regardless of the order.

The name is absolutely the least of your problems

I’d be fuming if I had double barrelled surname as a child/teenager. And on top of that to be different to my sisters.

People should not be trying to prove a point to their partner or anyone else with their child’s surname. Like, it’s not a game.

It might be fun for you but this child is going to be their own person and you just making her/his life more difficult IMO. Just decide on one surname and get on with your life.

Do what you want with the name, but it won't stop his family just using his name. It's not the order of the names that's causing them to do that, they just think their name is more important.

In the grand scheme of things it won't matter. My DD has a double barrelled name and ex-in-laws are the only people who use just her dad's name. Everything official and all my family use the double name. She's proud of it, because there's only me and her in the world with that name (that we know of).

Fuming to have a double barrelled surname why ?!
who cares, it makes a lot of sense if the parents aren’t married.
my children have double barrelled- I am married but kept my surname. Once 18 they can dump mine, but whilst I have responsibility for them I want my name there.

I work with a lot of Spanish and Portuguese people. They all have double barrelled names but almost all of them just use the last name.

Whatever you do, start using YOUR name to refer to DC1. If his family can do it the other way, presumably without comment from your partner, you can too.

And consider leaving. He sounds awful.

give the baby its parent's surname - that's yours. Don't bother giving it his name. And leave him.

Bite the bullet and leave him. You will get a lie in when they go to him eow

Don't give then diffident names, that's just ridiculous. If you're so set on this, why don't you change DC1 to yourname-hisname and keep the same format for DC2? Traditionally the mothers name goes first anyway as that is the one usually shortened.

I would just give the baby your surname and not bother with his at all.

Are you fixating on this to avoid thinking about the absolutely bizarre relationship you’re in?