To give a different surname to our second child

[Hoping4second]

Partner and I are unmarried. We have a three yo called hisname-myname, which his family shorten to just hisname. I wanted to call her myname-hisname but gave in because it felt easier at the time, and my name comes after his in alphabetical order.

I do about 99% of the parenting, while working full time and earning about the same as him, and have done so throughout our child's life, including through 4 early pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. Not a single lie-in for my in 3 years and that's through pregnancy tiredness, blood loss tiredness, major work deadlines causing me to work late etc. I missed bedtime twice, once for work and once because I was at A&E for a miscarriage - so no social life at all for me on top of no sleep in the mornings. I've no reason to think this will be any different for this second child, it'll be me doing pretty much all the work.

Currently expecting our second child, which we are hoping will make it as it's outlived all the miscarriages by now.

I want to call it myname-hisname.

We're unmarried so I believe that's 100% my call. He can refuse to be on the birth certificate, that's 100% his call. But legally he has no say on the name.

Obviously he had a huge hissy fit, accused me of wanting to break up. I don't, it wouldn't be good for the children, although tbh personally I don't think it would change my own life that much.

But every other person I ask is going hmmm, bad idea, can't I compromise and let him have his way on this one, it'll traumatise the kids to have different last names etc.

I don't get it. The kids will know they're siblings, they'll have the same names just in a different order. In divorce/remarried families children have different last names all the time. I can see why a child would be unhappy because they have a long commute to see their other bio parent, or if they don't get on with the step-parent they live with, but different surnames from their siblings, really, is that an issue?

AIBU to not give him this?

Because you feel this way and you have continued to have baby no2. I'm one of 4 full siblings I would be pissed out if my surname was different to my 3 other siblings.

Also it's likely to cause confusion in the airport if you travel. 2 kids and different surname it's not worth the hassle.

That would be so confusing for the kids once they get to school age, please don’t do that to your kids.

As others have said it’s not really about the name

1st correct his family every time they use the wrong name, even return post not in the correct name

2nd It sounds like you are unhappy in this one sided relationship. You either need to have some couples therapy or start preparing to leave.

Although from my point of view sounds like you are with him to have kids and will probably tire of him once you have your Couple of kids

Your last name. Dont even think about double barrel..

As this marriage wont last
And if it does,it shouldnt
He might be the dad... but he aint no parent

It's not 100% your call, unless you have zero morals and is, quite frankly, idiotic. Give both kids the same surname ffs.

Your issue is your relationship not your children's names. Giving your new baby a different name won't fix anything, will be a massive pain and will be quite confusing for them. You're effectively sticking a marker in the ground announcing "this is the point at which I realised my relationship was shit".

Fix the relationship or end it. The names are secondary.

Surely it will cause your kids administrative aggro if they're close in age, because people will assume that one name had been written down wrong?

Honestly I think it's a bit silly. Double barrelling is pretentious enough, don't make it even worse.

Agree that the surname is a proxy issue for the real problem.

For the kids, full siblings, it is simplest for them to have the same surname. There's no need for them to spend 18 years having teachers confuse "Johnson-Thomson" for "Thomson-Johnson" and getting the same questions from everyone. There is no benefit, only inconvenience, to your kids.

Do you want to be arguing with your partner about the order of surnames, or do you want to use that time, energy and goodwill on something more important - redressing the huge imbalance of labour in your household and getting your life back? Don't pin your hopes on the surname issue giving you leverage - he's let this drag on for years without changing anything, so you need to get straight to the point. The situation is unsustainable, so what are his suggestions?

@Hallyup89 and why would op do that?
The kids wouldn't be any less her kids if they dont have the same last name

Why would you name two kids with the same last name if the father of the kids have proven to be an absolute tosser.

Id rather have confusement over my kid's last name then to have both my kids with his last name hislastnamefirst

Its definitely 1000000% op her call. She isnt married. This guy has literally 0 rights
Get a grip

@Mythril excuse my while I flounce my pretentious double barrelled ass out the room....

I'm all for kids having the mums name whether solely or double barrelled. But reversing the order won't really change anything. As a pp says your in laws will just shorten it to the dad's name anyway and it will cause confusion for school and the kids themselves.

Don't underestimate how important it is for some kids to share a surname. I'm married but kept my own name, as did H. Our son has both. Mine is first because it's longer (similar to Cunningham-Jones which sounds better than the other way around). We didn't have our daughter until he was 9 and she has the same. One of his delighted comments when we registered her name was "At last! Someone in the family has the same name as me!"

We have a double barrelled name and so I would just thinking about how it would work if one kid had the names one way and the other the other.

1. the names flow better the way we have them
2. I feel I'd end up spending lots of time telling people why their names have been swapped over
3. they like having the same name (they're very close as siblings)
4. I honestly can't think of a positive / good reason for doing this.

My kids have myname-hisname and it's shortened at school to hisname. We are divorced and I've got no issue with the name thing, it has no bearing on "ownership" as you seem to think.

Why aren't you married? I mean I wouldn't want to marry him from the sounds of him, but I assume he must have some redeeming qualities or you wouldn't keep having kids with him.

Go and register new baby on your own, with the names the way you want them.

I think it's you who needs the grip, but thanks.

Because it's easier for the kids to have the same surname, rather than being used as pawns in a petty argument between their daft parents.

Some people just want to win points rather than considering that this is an actual human life they're screwing up.

The name is fine, but the attitude that it is just your call is not. You have to try and agree.

Double barrelling is not pretentious! The days of it being the preserve of the nobility is long gone. Round here it usually denotes unmarried parents (or in my case wife who kept own name).

In our case we both wanted the children to have our names so it was the only compromise. The kids are free to drop a name when old enough to decide (we suggested starting secondary school) but so far they've chosen to keep both. There are lots of double barrelled kids at school so they certainly don't attract ridicule for being "pretentious".

@honeylulu one of my husband's American colleagues assumed he was gay because of the double barrel... mostly people assume we're either not married or one name from each parent (neither are the case)

My son loves his name and said a lot of his school friends have hyphen as well. It's so common now a days.

OP, it sounds like surnames are the least of your worries. Why do you never get a lie in? Why have you not had any social life? Don't get me wrong, I've got a 2 year old so I hardly have the most happening social life either but I do have evenings out with friends. The situation you're in sounds very unfair and to be honest I wouldn't cope well with it. My lie in on Sundays is one of the highlights of my week 😄. (My partner has a lie in on Saturdays). Everything childcare and housework related is split 50/50. I don't know why you would accept anything less where both of you are working the same hours 🤷‍♀️

I agree that the surname issue is not the biggest problem here.

But on that subject it seems odd to me to switch the order. I know people who have double-barrelled both ways. In each case they went for the version that sounded best.

My childrens names are his name- my name because it flows better.
honestly to have diff set ups is confusing and quite honestly pointless- both names are there. Trying to prove a point here by screwing your childrens names is silly- fix up the real issue

Allow the children to have the same name.
It appears to me you are using this name thing as a power tool against your partner because you are,rightly,fed up and resentful of the unbalanced workload.
think about what you really want in your life and who.
then tell your dp.

YABU for saddling another child with this shit father

Doing this will cause untold issues for those tracing their ancestors in the future

I agree with PP that this sounds like a DP issue dressed up in another issue.

I would change eldest childs last name and have them both us just your surname.

We gave girls mums name and boys dads name in birth order BGGB. No one is confused for long. We maybe should have all just double barrelled but felt the last name would be way too long/tongue twister.

Good point