MIL's response to miscarriage

[Bootsandcats12]

Hi all,

We discovered at the 12 week scan last week that our baby had no heartbeat and I've gone on to miscarry the pregnancy 😔I've found the whole process absolutely gut wrenching and the miscarriage itself was harrowing.

My in laws are visiting us weekly at the moment to very helpfully provide childcare for DC. I have a good relationship with them for the most part and would consider myself close with them generally.

We decided to email them to explain what was happening as the miscarriage unfolded, as I didn't want them to wonder what was going on and I couldn't face explaining what was happening in person. We'd really hesitated on telling them - partially because they're a bit closed off emotionally and also because when I miscarried previously (at 6 weeks) my MIL just brushed it off and it made me feel rubbish.

I thought I was prepared for the brush off again, and really lowered my expectations in terms of how they might respond but their indifference has just floored me. They arrived to look after DC on Tuesday and MIL didn't even ask how I was - no hug, nothing.

I'm so upset and angry with them that I really want to say something and to let them know (particularly MIL) how she's made me feel. DH can see where I'm coming from and is supportive but thinks there's no point bringing it up with them - he doubts they'll see or understand how they've made me feel and it'll just create tension.

I just feel so let down. My DM died when I was little so I sometimes think I unfairly expect my MIL to fill that void. But really, I just needed a motherly hug when I was going through the miscarriage and I'm not sure how I can get passed her being so cold.

WWYD?

YANBU - be honest and say something to MIL
YABU - lower your expectations and move on

Thanks for reading

Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss.

Did they definitely get your email - have they replied?
Maybe they just don't know what to say and assume you've emailed as it's too painful to talk about? Or that you don't want your other child to know?
Or yes, maybe she is very cold. It's hard to tell really as we don't know her like you do.

You have no idea how many miscarriages she has had, or how she dealt with them. That generation just were expected to forget it and move on. She might expect that if you, or she might just find the whole topic very triggering. Just let people respond to miscarriage in their own way. It’s something that has touched almost all of us. You making it into a big thing wouldn’t be possible for me at accept, for example, because you are effectively telling me that my own losses should be a ‘big thing’ when I have long since moved on

Yeah I was going to say, maybe because you emailed them they don't want to bring it up ?

@12Thorns That's a very good point

How awful, so sorry for you! I would definitely say something. Partially as I believe it's damaging to repress genuine healthy emotions and feelings, and also as your mil may just not realise both the impact of the miscarriage on you and of her outward indifference. My mum was entirely repressed as it was how she was brought to but my sister and I dragged her kicking and screaming (obviously not literally) into acknowledging our emotions and expressing herself a bit more.
You must say something for everyone's benefit, just I would try to find a way of saying it without reproach so she won't feel on the defensive.
💐

maybe she thought it was better to not make a fuss about it as that would set you off and make you more emotional.

Maybe she is thinking if she was in that situation (or if she already has been) that she would prefer people to ignore it / pretend like it didn't happen.

She maybe doesn't mean any mean intent and thinks she is doing the right thing.

It can be easy to jump to conclusions and presume the worst about people, but we really don't know peoples thought processes behind things & maybe she has good intentions.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can understand totally how heartbroken you are.

I actually think that, if you have a good relationship with your MIL you should say something to her. It may not end up going the way you hope but at least you will know why she reacted as she did, and she will know how you feel. It's the only chance you have really, of sorting it to move on from how she has made you feel. If you just let it go, it will always be there in the back of your mind.

There is a possibility that she thinks she is sparing your feelings. She may think that you would rather not talk about it. Especially as you told them in an email - she may believe this is because you don't want to talk about it at all- and she is trying her hardest to support you in that.

On the other hand it may be something else and you will need to prepare yourself for that.

BUT, I'm a MIL and I would 100% hope that if I inadvertently hurt my DDIL or my DSIL they would tell me and give me the opportunity to apologise and make things right.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been through this my lovely
She may have had miscarriages herself and has never spoken about them or she may be a cold hearted bitch
Concentrate on yourself and your DH as he'll be hurting very much as well
Seek counselling if needed, talk to friends or join online groups. It will get easier I promise
We can't make people feel things we want them to feel unfortunately
Take good care of yourself, practise lots of self care, and be there for each other ❤

(I've had 5 losses )

Thanks all for the replies. Plenty of food for thought.

@Moosake They definitely got the email as they responded to say they had seen it. But you're right, perhaps they think we don't want to talk about it face to face.

@12Thorns She's never experienced a miscarriage and has told me such when I experienced it before. You're right it is very common. But I don't think me wanting a hug or a little bit of comfort from family at a time like this is me 'turning it into a big thing'

@Eeksilon Thank you. I think you're right about phrasing it tactfully, if I can

Some people react to an early miscarriage as devastating, others don’t.

Knowing how incredibly common a first trimester miscarriage is - and I had several - I accepted them and moved on. After a couple of days I certainly didn’t expect other people to talk with me about it.

I don’t think she’s necessarily cold. There’s a reason people didn’t used to say anything until after 12 weeks - at least one in five won’t progress to that stage.

I’m sorry for your loss and hope you are OK.

I would agree with PPs who have said she probably wasn't sure how to bring it up.

Presuming she read your email then yes not saying anything appears cold... but then emailing to tell them rather than calling is in itself quite cold, or at least suggestive that it's not necessarily something you want to openly talk about.

If your ILs are generally caring and considerate people, I'd be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt here.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage last month at 11 weeks and it was horrendous.

We had a relative living with us at the time who knew what happened and I was expecting to come home from hospital to some comforting words or a hug but nothing. It wasn't even mentioned. I started to hate having to carry on as if nothing had happened and not be able to acknowledge the elephant in the room. She's left now thankfully.

I think the topic can make people uncomfortable and people don't know what to say or do. I've struggled with how taboo and unspeakable it is still sometimes. I decided not to tell hardly anyone in my family or partners family because I can't deal with some of these reactions (or lack of them) and feel like no one gets it. When I've got really upset, I rang some of the helplines or the mental health midwife as at least they understand the issue more.

If your MIL is generally a cold, emotionally stunted person then realistically she's probably never going to hug and give you what you want in this situation.

She possibly also doesn't want it to seem like she's disappointed or anything like that, so by just keeping it as a factual thing that happened she's not putting her emotions about it on to you. Not sure if that makes sense, but it might be her way of being strong and not making you feel worse?

@RhiRhi1996 Thank you so much for this, it's helpful to see how I could re-frame my thinking and if she's coming at it from this angle then it certainly would make me feel less hurt.

@Holly60 Thank you. Yes, I'm wondering if this is it and we shouldn't have emailed with the news. I really appreciate your advice.

@NotTheWomanIWas I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you - I will look into support groups as this miscarriage has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m not sure about the whole ‘that generation is different’ thing, just because she’s a MIL doesn’t mean she’s ‘elder’ she could be in her 50s/early 60s. My mum is 60 and auntie her sister is 55 and they both were very supportive when myself and cousins have had MCs, they themselves had suffered them in the 80s and 90s so not that long ago! I’d assume maybe though that MIL feels potentially awkward about it for her own personal reasons or it could be that she is being out of order and does think that ‘oh it’s one of those things’ like a lot of people, young and old, tend to think, because they don’t want to confront their emotions or risk getting heightened.

I know my personal reaction to An MMC was just to tell those very close to me and I actually don’t class Mil as that - dp didn’t want to tell her because she’s a worrier and it would end up being us comforting her.

it’s really disappointing when people don’t react how you need or expect them to but there’s nothing you can do about people’s reactions and how they are except manage your own emotions around it. Make sure you’re doing loads of stuff you enjoy, stick close with DP and be open with him and don’t make it a point of conflict between you and let it drive a wedge. Then when the dust has settled maybe bring it up with MIL in an non confrontational way or drop into conversation?

Bollocks is it a generational thing. My MIL is 60 and when I had a miscarriage she gave me a big hug and said she'd had one too. Yours sounds cold and uncaring.

@SpiderVersed I take your point but to be clear, I miscarried on Tuesday/Wednesday while they were here. So it's not as though I'm expecting them to talk about it 'days after' and I'm not drawing this out for attention. It's not like I wanted them to get into mourning gear and start ringing the church bells - like I said a hug or 'are you OK?' would suffice.

Sorry for your loss, it must be hard going through this with others around too.

My DM is like this, I had an MMC, told her and she just said 'well these things happen, people usually don't talk about them' and that was it, which is what I expected. She's very stoic and I think she thinks if she ignores it and presents a strong face then it'll help me bizarrely. I think your mil probably feels awkward AF and probably doesn't have the emotional skillset to draw on to manage the situation. I would let it be and get your emotional support elsewhere.

@elzober Thank you so much for sharing and I'm so sorry you've gone through this too. You're right, I think it does come down to not knowing how to talk about it partly because it is taboo. I don't think not talking about it is necessarily a good thing. Hope you're doing OK 💐

I agree with this. You said in your first post that your in laws are somewhat emotionally closed off. Your MIL may well not know what to say or just not want to say anything. I know all you want is a bit of compassion, concern and kindness, which shouldn’t be too much to ask for - but if she wasn’t able to give it to you when you had your previous miscarriage, and she chose to ignore it this time, it seems unlikely she will have much to say if you try to talk to her now.

I’m sorry to hear about your MMC and I hope you have other people that you are able to talk with freely and get a loving response.

Oh! I didn't realise they were there when it was happening. In that case I would expect them to say something like how are you doing?

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate the different perspectives and its definitely made me think differently about how I'm approaching this. I hadn't considered the fact we told them in an email might make them think we don't want to discuss it in person and perhaps I was wrong to expect emotional support this time when it hasn't been forthcoming in the past.

It's interesting to see how people approach this topic. I suppose it's a very personal experience so I can't expect those around me to fully understand how I'm feeling or how I want/need them to respond.

Thanks again MNetters

Im so sorry you are going through this.

If i was informed of this by email. It
Would indicate to me that by being informed
In quite a cold matter of fact business like way ( the mechanism not the content) that that was also how i was expected to behave and to be respectful to someone in pain i would follow their (indirect) instruction.

Although she has previous id say benefit of the doubt on this one. For her to respond appropriately to your pain you need to show her it. But totally understand thats risky when you feel she may not anyway.

That a loss happens a lot doesn't mean it is easy to "accept and move on" - even more common than miscarriage is the loss of your own mother, do most people not struggle with that because it is so common?
OP before I had miscarriages I did not know how to talk to people who'd had them either. I wish I could go back in time and say better things! Sorry for your losses.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I don't understand why you emailed yout PIL though, why didn't your DH just phone them?
Emailing them was a cold way to communicate and your MIL is responding the same way.

Why single out your MIL? Did your FIL give you a hug?

I think you are being unreasonable by expecting your in laws to react differently to the way they reacted after your first miscarriage