MIL's response to miscarriage

[Bootsandcats12]

Hi all,

We discovered at the 12 week scan last week that our baby had no heartbeat and I've gone on to miscarry the pregnancy 😔I've found the whole process absolutely gut wrenching and the miscarriage itself was harrowing.

My in laws are visiting us weekly at the moment to very helpfully provide childcare for DC. I have a good relationship with them for the most part and would consider myself close with them generally.

We decided to email them to explain what was happening as the miscarriage unfolded, as I didn't want them to wonder what was going on and I couldn't face explaining what was happening in person. We'd really hesitated on telling them - partially because they're a bit closed off emotionally and also because when I miscarried previously (at 6 weeks) my MIL just brushed it off and it made me feel rubbish.

I thought I was prepared for the brush off again, and really lowered my expectations in terms of how they might respond but their indifference has just floored me. They arrived to look after DC on Tuesday and MIL didn't even ask how I was - no hug, nothing.

I'm so upset and angry with them that I really want to say something and to let them know (particularly MIL) how she's made me feel. DH can see where I'm coming from and is supportive but thinks there's no point bringing it up with them - he doubts they'll see or understand how they've made me feel and it'll just create tension.

I just feel so let down. My DM died when I was little so I sometimes think I unfairly expect my MIL to fill that void. But really, I just needed a motherly hug when I was going through the miscarriage and I'm not sure how I can get passed her being so cold.

WWYD?

YANBU - be honest and say something to MIL
YABU - lower your expectations and move on

Thanks for reading

So sorry for you loss. I've been there and it's horrendous.

But it's not your MIL's fault. She's clearly been brought up to push emotions away. And perhaps it's a painful subject for her too.

She might think that you don't want her to mention it, hence your email.

I think your husband is right. Leave it. And don't project on to her. It's not necessarily personal.

Sending huge motherly hugs to you OP 💐💐💐💐

It possibly is generational, it does not make it right but some from that generation just do not want to talk about taboo topics, their feelings etc, not everyone I might stress.

Not the same but DD was diagnosed with epilepsy as a teenager, we told mil, its never been spoken about since and seven years later she's yet to ask how DD is. It irritates the fuck out of me that she seemingly ignored her granddaughter has a serious medical condition, but I know she lived through the Blitz as a child which she has never spoken about so I do believe she has no ill intent, she just sees it as private business and that we should get on with life.

OP, my thoughts are with your, take care

My MIL either ignored my miscarriages or made horrible comments that always stuck with me. I eventually realised that she did not want me to have a baby at all even though she pretended to others that she did. I was really shocked by her reaction, not just to me, but to her son. She had an outwardly kind reputation, but she really wasn't. It was all about her.

I am sorry for your loss op. You must feel very shocked and low and the silence can't be helping. Could you not get your dh to have a word with them both and see why they have reacted as they have because he must see it will colour your relationship with them in the future. It can't be hard to say a few kind words can it?

I am very sorry for your loss OP. I had a second trimester loss two years ago and I didn't talk about it in person with my parents at all. I sent them texts explaining what was happening etc. but avoided the topic when I saw them. They never mentioned it, asked me how I was, hugged me or anything. At the time, I was relieved they were giving me the space I needed, but also angry because I wanted someone to break down the barriers I was putting up. Now, years later, I can see that they didn't have a clue how to react, they saw me keeping my distance by texting them, and they thought they were doing the right thing.
And many of my friends were similar - no idea what to say or how to help. Many people, especially those who haven't been through pregnancy loss, don't know how bad it is, how much you will grieve the baby you lost.
I have one good friend who went through similar and we still occasionally talk about it. It helps a lot and I have forgiven my parents for their helplessness.
I wouldn't insist on getting acknowledgement from your MIL. I'd try and accept that she doesn't know what you need in this situation.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I take my cue from others and an email says to me you don't want to discuss it so I wouldn't mention it unless you did.

You said you lost your mum and feel you might be expecting your MIL to fill that roll. I think that’s spot on and unfortunately your MIL isn’t your mum and that’s what’s hurting you.

Please don’t feel angry toward your MIL, it’s not her fault, there are many reasons why she didn’t give you a hug (for what’s it’s worth my MIL has never hugged me in 30 years and we’ve been through some heart breaking situations).

It's not about you though. A woman miscarrying now has no bearing on how you should feel about your own MC, especially if it happened years ago. Yours is that typical stiff upper lip attitude "I got over it, so you have to as well, don't make a fuss" that is so unhelpful.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Your ILs provide a huge amount of practical help, so I think you need to accept that emotional support in this scenario is something they cannot provide and look for that elsewhere.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

People also say "her generation" but at no point can I see the OP mention her age - she could be 45 to 85!

I’m sorry for your loss. The very fact that you emailed would make me think that you didn’t want to talk about it in person. If I was your mother-in-law, I might have done the same thing. Don’t forget that they will also be grieving, even if they don’t show it. They might not want to get upset in front of you, especially if they are not the kind of people who show their emotions easily.
Years ago, A friend of mine was in a very similar position and was very angry with her mother-in-law. What she didn’t know, was that mother-in-law had had 12 miscarriages herself and that made it very hard for her to talk about what was happening. People deal with things differently, don’t hold it against them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
As I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I'd say she probably just doesn't know how to address it or deal with it herself. Losing a child is a massive thing to deal with, but she is also dealing with the lose of a grandchild, and everyone grieves differently.

I think there’s very few people who respond in a way that is exactly what the bereaved parents might like to a miscarriage. It doesn’t make it easier to deal with but that is the reality.

Do you feel able to tell her what you need?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP 💐. I must say if a relative emailed me the news I would assume they didn't want to talk about it. I'm trying to think of excuses for your MIL because it goes against common sense that she wouldn't ask how you are at the very least. You said you have a good relationship normally so it's not as if she doesn't care about you.

I'm sorry for your loss. That must have been a terrible shock finding out at the 12 week scan.

My ex-MiL was like this about my first trimester miscarriage - in fact, she actually said "they happen all the time, it's no big deal". I think that is how it was dealt with in her community when she was younger and she thought that not dwelling on it would be the most helpful response. My own mum is the same age but was brought up with different beliefs and has treated every miscarriage as a loss to be grieved over.

We actually chose not to tell exMiL about any future miscarriages because exH found her attitude to the first one made him feel even worse about it all. She still has no idea about the 2nd trimester miscarriage I had and likely never will unless our dcs ever mention their baby brother in front of her.

If you're usually close then I think it's fine to mention that you would have liked a hug and more support from her. Otherwise, I would leave it.

I suspect she may. Well have had miscarriages herself and doesn't know how to deal with it. You say she's closed off. That generation were largely taught to "get on with it".

She probably doesn't know how to deal with it

I'm very sorry ❤️

My MIL lost lots of babies in the late 1960s. At that time they got little sympathy and in her case ended up on anti depressants for life. Remember you never know what people have gone through or are going through.

you seem to let your FIL off the hook?

The OP has said her MIL has told her she hasn’t had a miscarriage but I’ve said that to many people (I’m in my 50s) because I really do not want to talk about my 3 miscarriages to anyone apart from DH.

I lost my mum when I was young. I’m a lot older than you. I learnt that no one else will be your mum. I thought I could get close to my ex mil and be like a daughter to her. I thought that too with aunts and friends mums. People are polite of course but they are not your mum. I’m sorry for your loss. Lean on your DH.

Do you think perhaps they weren't sure of what to say and they didn't want to bring it up and upset you?

I'm the sort of person who w

The sort of person who would prefer a reaction like that but understand that is rare!

Sorry for your loss, so horrible.

First of all, I'm so sorry you've had to go through the experience of miscarriage. All my sympathies go out to you.

I can completely understand why you feel hurt by your in-laws lack of reaction. However, you do say that you generally have a good relationship with them and that you do feel you're fairly close, so it seems highly unlikely that they're being deliberately hurtful. From what you've said, it sounds to me like they just absolutely do not have a clue what to say or how to address it. Some people are very much like that, and just clam up in emotional situations, or think that the best way to deal with things is to brush them under the carpet, or are really uneasy in situations where they feel powerless to do anything, and simply don't know what else to do but pretend it's not happening. I also think that miscarriage itself is something that in your PILs' generation was quite a taboo subject, something that people kept secret and private and didn't talk about or acknowledge, so it might feel very alien to them to be open about it. I'm in my mid-40s and I know that even when I was a young child in the 80s, 'miscarriage' was one of those words that people would whisper mid-sentence because it was considered such a personal/private thing.

You also say in your post that your DH emailed them because you 'couldn't face telling them in person', so I think it's also possible that they genuinely felt that you wouldn't want to talk about it and that mentioning it would make you more upset. Plus, you acknowledge that they are quite emotionally closed-off in general - that doesn't mean they don't feel bad for you, but it does mean they have no idea how to show it.

I also think the fact that it's your MIL that you're most angry with is definitely very much connected with the loss of your own mum. I think perhaps a lot of your grief over your mum, and your recent miscarriages, is probably being diverted into anger at the moment, and I don't think it would help you or your relationship with your MIL if you confront her.

People also say "her generation" but at no point can I see the OP mention her age - she could be 45 to 85!

It's really only very recently that miscarriage has been something people have been encouraged to talk about openly. I'm in my mid-40s and only found out very recently that a lovely relative of mine, who is 15 years older than me, had several miscarriages in her 30s. The women in my family are all really warm and open and supportive about most things and will happily talk about really personal stuff, but the only person in the family who knew (other than her own mum) was my mum - and that was only because my mum is super close to her as she practically brought her up in her early years.

I don't think its a generational thing because im in my 40's and my attitude towards it is " its sad and disappointing but its not a fully formed human its a bunch of cells, move on and focus on the future." I most certainly wouldn't want people bringing it up or hugging me. Different people deal with things differently, we can't force people to think and behave as we would.

People are generally a bit shit at dealing with anything to do with grief and loss.

If people are not good at handling their own emotions then dealing with other people's emotions is impossible for them.

These people just ignore bad things and pretend they didn't happen as their default coping mechanism.

It's a horrendous situation and honestly unless people have been through it they just don't get it.

I hope that younhave friends who you can talk to and get support from. You need to accept that you won't get it from your in laws. That's who they are and no point trying to change them or getting frustrated with them.