MIL's response to miscarriage

[Bootsandcats12]

Hi all,

We discovered at the 12 week scan last week that our baby had no heartbeat and I've gone on to miscarry the pregnancy 😔I've found the whole process absolutely gut wrenching and the miscarriage itself was harrowing.

My in laws are visiting us weekly at the moment to very helpfully provide childcare for DC. I have a good relationship with them for the most part and would consider myself close with them generally.

We decided to email them to explain what was happening as the miscarriage unfolded, as I didn't want them to wonder what was going on and I couldn't face explaining what was happening in person. We'd really hesitated on telling them - partially because they're a bit closed off emotionally and also because when I miscarried previously (at 6 weeks) my MIL just brushed it off and it made me feel rubbish.

I thought I was prepared for the brush off again, and really lowered my expectations in terms of how they might respond but their indifference has just floored me. They arrived to look after DC on Tuesday and MIL didn't even ask how I was - no hug, nothing.

I'm so upset and angry with them that I really want to say something and to let them know (particularly MIL) how she's made me feel. DH can see where I'm coming from and is supportive but thinks there's no point bringing it up with them - he doubts they'll see or understand how they've made me feel and it'll just create tension.

I just feel so let down. My DM died when I was little so I sometimes think I unfairly expect my MIL to fill that void. But really, I just needed a motherly hug when I was going through the miscarriage and I'm not sure how I can get passed her being so cold.

WWYD?

YANBU - be honest and say something to MIL
YABU - lower your expectations and move on

Thanks for reading

This!

I’m surprised by people referring to an early miscarriage as “lost a child”.
No, we didn’t.
A pregnancy that might have resulted in a child but didn’t is NOTHING like the death of a child. It’s pretty disrespectful of bereaved parents to conflate the two.

Pragmatism isn’t being cold.

I wondered how long it would be until one of the "hierarchy of grief" posts showed up.
this is not the thread for it.

When I had my MMC and other losses I didn't want to speak to anyone about it, I didn't tell anyone at work about my MMC and went in the next day. I'd have hated people to start lots of faux head tilting or worse, hugging. So I tend to treat other people in the same way, I've had colleagues who have had MMC and I've just ignored it, if they want to speak about it they will, until then, dredging it up every 2 mins won't help (in my opinion). Maybe your mil is the same.

After I miscarried my first pregnancy, DH and I drove 250 miles to stay with MIL and PIL for Christmas. It was the first time I’d seen them since miscarrying.
Not only was there no mention of it, no sympathy or hug, they were sitting playing with the baby monitor they had bought for their daughter’s imminently expected baby, and seemed to think we would be happy to join in the conversation.
Some people are just emotionally illiterate, OP.

I agree with @SpiderVersed , sad and disappointing but also private and I would feel you've backed that up by sending an email. Tbh I'd be completely lost as to the required response to an email about a miscarriage.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you are unreasonable when it comes to your MIL. The older generation would find talking about miscarriage very taboo. It was something that wasn't discussed. Thankfully, things are changing now and people are discussing miscarriage and the physical and emotional impact.

I can see them thinking that it's best not to start a conversation that is going to pointlessly upset you.

I think YABU why do you need a hug from them? If that's not how they choose to react then that's their choice. They may not feel as emotionally affected as you and that's ok.

With absolute respect, turning this into a bigger thing is not going to help you at all

Also worth remembering that years ago you were encouraged not to think you were. Pregnant until after the first 3 months - you view it differently

Some people react to an early miscarriage as devastating, others don’t.

Knowing how incredibly common a first trimester miscarriage is - and I had several - I accepted them and moved on. After a couple of days I certainly didn’t expect other people to talk with me about it.

I don’t think she’s necessarily cold. There’s a reason people didn’t used to say anything until after 12 weeks - at least one in five won’t progress to that stage.

^Exactly this

Thanks everyone, I'm glad I haven't said anything to MIL as reading through the responses has made me view things in a different light. I think I've unfairly aimed my grief (for the mmc and loss of a mum to support me at this time) at my MIL and as a previous poster has pointed out I shouldn't rely on her for emotional support if she's not that way inclined. Although I have to take responsibility for not giving her the opportunity to respond how I may have wanted because of how we broke the news. At the time, we felt it better than blindsiding them with it in person but perhaps it seems to them like we don't want to address it.

It's interesting to see the different views on miscarriage, having been through it twice and struggled with fertility I just can't imagine not offering my DD or a future DIL a shoulder to lean on if they went through it. But that's just my reaction and not clearly everyone's.

Thank's @Badlifeday I completely agree.

I’m very sorry for your loss x
I’m a MIL/ step MIL/stepmum and I always try to pre empt how they would like me to react etc. I was very very aware of how much one of my stepdaughters wanted her late mum when she had miscarriages so I didn’t hug straightaway if you see what I mean. I expressed my sadness though and waited a while before hugging her. Maybe your MIL feels a bit like that?

Like any hard and horrible life experience people can feel at a loss as to what to do and say. When I miscarried I didn't even tell my mum, as I knew she would unintentionally say something awful while trying to be nice. The people we did tell all responded in ways that I found awkward/annoying, but they didn't do it maliciously, or even thoughtlessly really - they just felt like they needed to say/do something and probably based what they said and did on what they felt they would personally want in the same situation. People respond very differently in these situations. I find that I am able to talk about my miscarriage, but don't really want anything back from people - there is no way that those people can know that unless I tell them. I find it's best not to have expectations of people - look after yourself in any way that you can. Best wishes op.

I think it’s nice of them to come and look after your DC and she probably doesn’t know what to say? It’s not worth falling out over.

FWIW I hate people fussing around me and would prefer your MILs approach. Make sure your DH is around for plenty of hugs.

Sorry for your loss. X

By the way my mum said something like oh you can try again or plenty more fish in the sea when I miscarried which I really hated. She didn’t do it to be mean though, just didn’t know what to say.

So sorry for your loss

I never really understand when people choose to do nothing after someone has hurt them/caused trouble. The tension has already been created so not saying anything only keeps the burden on you and they just get away with treating you badly.

Why not say something to MIL in a way that's doable for you emotionally right now.

Good luck with everything ❤️

I'm sorry for your loss but I think yabu in expecting your mil to fill your mum's void or act in the way you want her too. People show love in different ways, she looked after your children whilst you went through it. I'd argue that is a type of love. Not the same as your experience but when I lost someone close to me my mil came and hugged me, held my hand whilst I cried. My mum bought me tissues, tea and stocked my freezer with meals so I didn't have to cook for a while.

My sil has had two late losses, we don't get along at all but I offered her a hug and she took it. I don't ever mention her miscarriages unless she raises the topic, not because I'm an unfeeling cow but we aren't close and I don't want to upset her further.

You haven't singled out your fil, you've already said that they are a bit emotionally stunted, you emailed them and actually don't sound very close. I don't think you could have expected much more from them tbh. I wouldn't email, next time you speak mention you want her emotional support and see how she responds.