Grandparents only seeing 1 of our children

[Poi23]

I need some neutral perspective on a situation with my in-laws.

We were always close, but my DH had a fall out with his dad around 2.5 years ago and he was really very unkind to him. He worked for him, so lost his job all whilst I was on maternity leave with newborns. He contracted other business of a similar nature to bad mouth him so they wouldn't give him a job. Some awful things were said and they’ve never been discussed and no effort has ever been made to repair things on either side. So my DH is pretty estranged from his family but we see his mum when she sees our eldest.

Since the fall out, none of them have seen the youngest children. They have maintained contact with our eldest which his mum facilitates, but it’s irregular. She tends to pick up from school and have her for tea. Sometimes once a week, but other times it can go a few months. She always drops off once the youngest are in bed.

They’ve never made an effort with them. We do invite them to all birthday gatherings, and it’s always declined. We initially continued to send gifts for the sake of our daughter being able to provide them but we have stopped this now as things have kind of settled and our eldest isn’t so close to them anyway anymore.

Just before Christmas, his mum came round and was very upset and apologised for how things had been. She was upset that the youngest didn’t know her and she seemed really sorry for everything. She said that she needed to leave her husband as he was controlling and verbally abusive to her. I am not surprised in the slightest. Her car is tracked and she is basically not allowed to our house and especially not allowed to see the youngest children. We supported her and she started to come round once a week and was getting to know them. She then ended up in a psychiatric hospital and again we would take her for meals with our eldest and was in contact quite regularly.

Once she was back home though, this all stopped and she has made it pretty clear she doesn’t wish to speak with us. Just by not really responding or engaging in any conversation. She hasn’t been round and in the last 3 months has picked our eldest up for tea twice. The last time being around 6 weeks ago i think.

She has now asked if she can have her for a sleepover on Friday night and I feel really conflicted. I am going to say yes, but I feel like this isn’t something we can maintain in the long term. It’s not fair on the youngest children who are now starting to notice when our eldest isn’t here and they will soon be starting the school nursery. I imagine she will still just want to pick the eldest up.

I’m worried that she’s vulnerable and I don’t want to upset her, but I think I need to have a conversation maybe through the great nana and just say that we don’t feel like it’s something we can continue to facilitate unless some effort is also made for the youngest children. But I also don’t want to force that if she doesn’t want to or can’t do that for whatever reason.

For now I think I need to leave things as they are but as we approach the new school year and they will all be together, I think I need to address it?

Or do others disagree?

It sounds like your FIL has an issue with your youngest kids. Why? It’s strange. Does he have some idea in his head that they’re not really his grandchildren? Did he disagree with your decision to have more kids (not that he gets a vote, obviously). Or is he just trying to punish your DH? You’re right that this is toxic and will become a major issue very soon when your youngest children start understanding what is going on.
The obvious solution is that your MIL needs to leave FIL. But that’s not your decision to make. You could tell her that the favouritism can’t continue and that you’d love to have her meet all the grandkids together soon. It sounds like she will understand.

A sleepover at the house where your FIL is?

Regardless, I wouldn't let anyone see my eldest and not my youngest in that way. They're all treated the same, or not at all. Anything else will be damaging for sibling relationships.

If she is in an abusive relationship I would offer support to get her out of that, whenever she felt able.

But my kids would be staying very far away from an abusive home and grandparents that treated my kids differently.

I would offer to meet her at a park or for lunch with all the children and say it's take it or leave it.

I would not be sending any of my dc to the house of someone who is abusive and under the care of someone who was recently so poorly they were receiving inpatient psychiatric treatment. It's not a safe or healthy situation for children to be in. I'm NC with my family and by way of that, my dc are too. If it's not healthy for me to have relationships with them, it's certainly not healthy for my kids.

I wouldn't be letting the eldest go to a house where the FIL is, for tea or a sleep over or anything. Meet the MIL on neutral territory with all your children or not at all imo.

I wouldn't allow your eldest to go there for a sleep over at all. Not with a man who's so openly hostile to her parents and doesn't even acknowledge her younger siblings, no chance. I would be straight up with your MIL and tell her that too. Tell you will be there for her if she ever needs help leaving her husband but until then you won't be allowing her to have your DD outside of your house

Nope. Stop it
Say you'll meet her at the park with ALL your kids. Or none at all.

FIL sounds nasty. Not the best environment for a child…

Is MIL too frail to look after younger children?

Why do THEY view your DC differently? Am I missing something?

Your father in law is abusive to his wife, destroyed your husbands employment hopes and won't acknowledge your younger children at all, this is not company I'd be allowing any child spend time in. Tell your mother in law she can meet you and all your children somewhere but no more individual visit by your eldest.

Gosh no, a sleepover is not safe for your child at all.

FIL sounds like an awful man, how do you know he is treating your child well when she is there? Your MIL sounds very unwell, and should not be left in charge of a child. I would put a stop to all of it. The fact he has cherry picked one child, your dd, to see is giving me serious alarm bells, particularly as your MIL is so poorly.

I support the idea of inviting MIL for a picnic in the park with all of the children, she is in a difficult situation if she is in a coercive relationship though, and may not be able to go.

In your position dh needs to have a heart to heart with his mother, and tell her he is there to support her should she wish to leave FIL, and maybe organise counselling and help for her. She has expressed how much she wishes to leave, and be a part of all of the children's lives but unfortunately after years of being controlled she is obviously finding it hard to leave. You can also take advice from the police - they are getting better with cases like this. Poor thing.

I would stay in contact with MIL and keep your eldest involved to some degree but no more visits, sending MIL packages, cards and drawings from all of the children. She is being punished twice at the moment. Once by the monstrous FIL and then the loss of her grandchildren but until it is safe for your children I would keep your FIL away.

I wouldn't let her sleep over at a house with a man so abusive his wife ended up in hospital. No. She's clearly being controlled again but she can't expect you to let that happen.

I wouldn't allow my child to sleep at this man's house.

Yabu to continue this stupid relationship, and to consider a sleepover

This has to stop , she sees them all or she sees none of them and there is certainly no visits / sleepovers at their house . I’m all for treating children as individuals but you can’t just ignore the fact that you have more than 1 grandchild .

Another meet both kids in park/ soft play or not at all. It can cause friction between siblings

No to sleepover.

I’m surprised you’d even consider the sleepover for all the reasons everyone else has said. I wouldn’t let my DC round her house at all.

Tell MIL she can see all three kids at your house or at a neutral place, with you present. And that you will fully support her to leave FIL if she can manage to.

Beyond that, I wouldn’t get involved any further.

I agree

I’ve said YABU because I wouldn’t let my young child go to a sleepover at a house with an abusive man, especially one, who’s been so cruel to his own child. You cannot trust him to treat your dd well and your mil isn’t equipped to protect her. What happens if he becomes abusive, perhaps even violent when your dd is there?

You say your mil is tracked. How? Phone or car etc? Are you ok to spend time with her? If so, I would suggest finding a way to meet, which wouldn’t raise suspicion. If it is her phone and if you know anywhere local, where signal is poor, this could be good.

Or you could try meeting at a local large shopping centre or somewhere, where her movements will not raise suspicion then she leaves her tracking device there and you all go to a park or soft play etc in your car, presuming you drive? Even better if the place you meet is a black spot so she can ‘go dark’ by switching off tracking there and drive off, turning it back on again when she returns to her car. This way she’d have her mobile phone on her.

Your children come first so it has to be something, you are comfortable with. Hopefully one day she will manage to get away from him.

Gosh, no, this isn't normal or healthy for your children at all. No sleepovers for eldest, just because your PILs are living in a disfunctional relationship doesn't mean you have to facilitate it to the detriment of your younger children. You need to set an example of what's normal family behaviour. Met MIL at a neutral venue with ALL the family.

This.

m what on earth are you thinking sending your child anywhere near this?

I don't know why you even want either of them in your kids lives. Your mil is just as bad, she is inconsistent with contact, drops your family when she pleases and most of all she picks and chooses amongst your kids. You should be protecting your kids instead of desperately trying to please toxic people.

Don't send your child there. FIL clearly has problems, it's not safe environment. Meet MIL on neutral ground with both kids.

From what you have written it sounds like your MIL is in quite a bad place. Is it possible that the increased contact led to even more stress and controlling behaviour from FIL which led to a breakdown and she’s trying to do what she can while keeping her mental health above water? I understand where you are coming from but it sounds like she isn’t able to give more and still hold it together. Did she leave FIl? I’m assuming not. It’s very sad. you can’t make her leave, and it may be that financially she can’t, but this set up isn’t doing anyone any good

Sounds like she's in an abusive relationship. I wouldn't send the eldest there at all, knowing that fil hates the youngest children. I'd continue to welcome her to your home/park/meal to see all of the grandchildren. Otherwise the youngest are going to realise that nanny and grandad only like big sister. Most bizarre.

Keep children away from the abusive FIL. Support MIL to get out. I recommend reading “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft to help get a better handle on what tactics MIL is dealing with. Try to have MIL over to yours as much as possible and maintain contact. What a nightmare- that poor woman

Another vote for saying to MIL she can spend time with ALL the kids at your hoome or on neutral territory (ie picnic in th park), or not at all. No sleepovers for oldest DC only.

Separately it is worth remembering in all this that your MIL is clearly the victim of coercive control in her marriage and if possible, you and DH should try support her to leave FIL.

Regularly meeting you and grandkids out of her home will hopefully give her the chance to confide a little. In time you could gently suggest she speaks to womensaid or something.