I need some neutral perspective on a situation with my in-laws.
We were always close, but my DH had a fall out with his dad around 2.5 years ago and he was really very unkind to him. He worked for him, so lost his job all whilst I was on maternity leave with newborns. He contracted other business of a similar nature to bad mouth him so they wouldn't give him a job. Some awful things were said and they’ve never been discussed and no effort has ever been made to repair things on either side. So my DH is pretty estranged from his family but we see his mum when she sees our eldest.
Since the fall out, none of them have seen the youngest children. They have maintained contact with our eldest which his mum facilitates, but it’s irregular. She tends to pick up from school and have her for tea. Sometimes once a week, but other times it can go a few months. She always drops off once the youngest are in bed.
They’ve never made an effort with them. We do invite them to all birthday gatherings, and it’s always declined. We initially continued to send gifts for the sake of our daughter being able to provide them but we have stopped this now as things have kind of settled and our eldest isn’t so close to them anyway anymore.
Just before Christmas, his mum came round and was very upset and apologised for how things had been. She was upset that the youngest didn’t know her and she seemed really sorry for everything. She said that she needed to leave her husband as he was controlling and verbally abusive to her. I am not surprised in the slightest. Her car is tracked and she is basically not allowed to our house and especially not allowed to see the youngest children. We supported her and she started to come round once a week and was getting to know them. She then ended up in a psychiatric hospital and again we would take her for meals with our eldest and was in contact quite regularly.
Once she was back home though, this all stopped and she has made it pretty clear she doesn’t wish to speak with us. Just by not really responding or engaging in any conversation. She hasn’t been round and in the last 3 months has picked our eldest up for tea twice. The last time being around 6 weeks ago i think.
She has now asked if she can have her for a sleepover on Friday night and I feel really conflicted. I am going to say yes, but I feel like this isn’t something we can maintain in the long term. It’s not fair on the youngest children who are now starting to notice when our eldest isn’t here and they will soon be starting the school nursery. I imagine she will still just want to pick the eldest up.
I’m worried that she’s vulnerable and I don’t want to upset her, but I think I need to have a conversation maybe through the great nana and just say that we don’t feel like it’s something we can continue to facilitate unless some effort is also made for the youngest children. But I also don’t want to force that if she doesn’t want to or can’t do that for whatever reason.
For now I think I need to leave things as they are but as we approach the new school year and they will all be together, I think I need to address it?
Or do others disagree?