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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite one child?

65 replies

BlackandBlueBird · 08/06/2022 11:33

DD (8) is in a group of 5 friends and she wants to have them all for sleepover this summer. One of the girls is quite unkind to my 6yo DS so I’m not that keen to invite her, but understandably DD thinks that would be really unfair on the girl.
Given it will be the summer holidays I’m thinking there won’t be the chat about it at school so the girl probably wouldn’t even realise…

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 08/06/2022 11:35

Maybe split it into 2 x sleepovers, each time with 2 friends. That way she gets 2 sleepover parties at home and you can avoid inviting the 1 you are concerned about.

worraliberty · 08/06/2022 11:35

Why not just supervise them/your 6 year old and tell her off if she's unkind to him?

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/06/2022 11:37

worraliberty · Today 11:35
Why not just supervise them/your 6 year old and tell her off if she's unkind to him?“

this. He doesn’t need to be with them, does he? Some nice one to one time with mum/dad for him, too.

underneaththeash · 08/06/2022 11:37

worraliberty · 08/06/2022 11:35

Why not just supervise them/your 6 year old and tell her off if she's unkind to him?

That’s what I would do too.

Chamomileteaplease · 08/06/2022 11:40

Yes could your dh take the boy out for a lot of the time?

I would also, when the girl arrives, take her aside and speak to her about her behaviour. Tell her that if she is horrible to DS then she will be sent home. And tell her parents too! I would want to know if my daughter was being horrible to a friend's six year old sibling 😞.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/06/2022 11:41

What does she do to him? If she has been hitting him or bullying him then I think that's not on and I'd be less inclined to have her in the house again.

If she just gets annoyed because he is spoiling their games or is being an annoying younger brother and trying to join in then I think thats different and you can find a way to manage it, including setting him up with some way of keeping out of their way, because the others are probably annoyed by it as well

Quartz2208 · 08/06/2022 11:46

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/06/2022 11:41

What does she do to him? If she has been hitting him or bullying him then I think that's not on and I'd be less inclined to have her in the house again.

If she just gets annoyed because he is spoiling their games or is being an annoying younger brother and trying to join in then I think thats different and you can find a way to manage it, including setting him up with some way of keeping out of their way, because the others are probably annoyed by it as well

Yes this

DD has a group of friends who dont have brothers and therefore find him far more difficult than she does.

He shouldnt as well be involved in the sleepover

Original poster
BlackandBlueBird · 08/06/2022 11:50

I’ve told her off previously and she just laughs and carries on. She taunts him and encourages the others to do the same. Her parents have witnessed this and just laugh so not sure I’ll get much back up on that front!!

Obviously I wouldn’t expect them to let him join in with everything but the other girls seem to enjoy his company (one of them knows him separately to DD because they do a sport together) and are always happy to include him for parts of it e.g games where it’s more fun to have more participants! I also have a 3 year old so it’s not that practical to completely keep the 6yo out of their way. DH can obviously keep the boys out of the way when he’s around but he doesn’t get home from work til fairly late.

Thanks for the idea of splitting it, I think that’s what I’ll do.

OP posts:
LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana · 08/06/2022 11:52

I personally wouldn't reward bad behaviour. 8 years olds should realise their actions have consequences.

Swayingpalmtrees · 08/06/2022 11:56

That is not nice for your son in his own home.

I second splitting the sleepovers, and maybe do something else with her that does not involve your other child.

Rosehugger · 08/06/2022 11:57

The best thing would be if he has a sleepover somewhere else. She shouldn't be mean to him, but younger brothers can be very annoying!

FiveNineFive · 08/06/2022 11:58

I wouldn't let a child in my house who was consistently unkind to one of my children. Home should be a safe place

GrendelsGrandma · 08/06/2022 12:01

If her parents were supportive, I'd say invite her and give a stern warning that she would go home if she was mean to him.

As they are unsupportive, I'd not invite her. Fuck that, it might be a lesson for her.

MichelleScarn · 08/06/2022 12:02

Obviously I wouldn’t expect them to let him join in with everything but the other girls seem to enjoy his company (one of them knows him separately to DD because they do a sport together) and are always happy to include him for parts of it e.g games where it’s more fun to have more participants

Is that for definite that they are all happy with him joining in their time or are they being polite?

Original poster
BlackandBlueBird · 08/06/2022 12:02

Oh I completely agree re younger brothers being irritating and I would always take him away if he was being annoying.
But the comments about him feeling safe/well treated in his own home are I think what I’m feeling deep down.
In an ideal world he would be off for a sleepover elsewhere but he and his friends haven’t really started doing that yet and I don’t want to invite him to someone else’s house for an overnight!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackandBlueBird · 08/06/2022 12:05

MichelleScarn · 08/06/2022 12:02

Obviously I wouldn’t expect them to let him join in with everything but the other girls seem to enjoy his company (one of them knows him separately to DD because they do a sport together) and are always happy to include him for parts of it e.g games where it’s more fun to have more participants

Is that for definite that they are all happy with him joining in their time or are they being polite?

Yes, I think so. They’ll specifically come and ask him to join in with certain games and the one who knows him from sport will quite often choose to play with him in the garden if the others want to be inside. (He spends most of his time in the garden, loves being outdoors.)

OP posts:
stepuporshutup · 08/06/2022 12:05

Op no way would that girl be welcome in my house if she upset my ds. You have asked her to stop and thinks its funny to continue.

If she asks dd why she has not been invited the answer is because you are mean to my brother

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/06/2022 12:07

In that case, she’s not invited. Children and their (ridiculous) parents don’t get to bully your son in his home.

ifonly4 · 08/06/2022 12:08

On the surface it seems mean to exclude her, but given she taunts him and has no respect for you if you speak to her about it, I wouldn't want her in the house.

I would say that even if it's the holidays, word will get round as some of the girls will see eachother for play dates/a day trip out.

If you do decide to invite her for your DD's sake, DD needs to make it clear that DS will be in the house and if he wants to spend time with them they should welcome him. If she does it again, I'd phone her parents and ask them to collect her.

Imogensmumma · 08/06/2022 12:08

I’d invite her, first sign that she is being mean to your DS. Call the parents to pick her up/ drop her home. It will show you support your DS and show the girls this behaviour is unacceptable and actions have consequences.

ancientgran · 08/06/2022 12:14

I'd explain to her that she can't come unless she stops being unpleasant to your son. She's old enough to understand. If she agrees and you invite her then at the first sign of teasing I'd be on the phone asking her parents to pick her up.

ChocolateHippo · 08/06/2022 12:15

I would also invite her and send her home if she behaves badly, except that you say you've told her off in the past, her behaviour remains unacceptable and her parents don't back you up. That leaves you with no means to control her, since obviously it's inappropriate for you to discipline someone else's child beyond a verbal telling-off. In the circumstances, it's not unreasonable to ban her from your house.

worraliberty · 08/06/2022 12:24

I’ve told her off previously and she just laughs and carries on. She taunts him and encourages the others to do the same. Her parents have witnessed this and just laugh so not sure I’ll get much back up on that front!!

Then you send her home.

I don't mean this in a snarky way OP but are you sure you can manage 7 kids (including your other two), if you can't simply send a child home for laughing at you when you've told her off for being unkind to a younger child?

Original poster
BlackandBlueBird · 08/06/2022 12:30

I can easily manage the 6 kids who at least vaguely listen to an adult! In all seriousness, yes, I have no issues looking after multiple kids and have done it previously with no problems.

Why I would rather not invite her and then send her home is that a) she lives nearly an hour’s drive away and b) I just feel that would create a lot of unpleasantness around an occasion that is meant to be fun (and definitely would be with just the other lot).

However. I’ll ask DD what she would prefer. I suspect she would also actually rather not invite at all than invite and there be the risk of the girl getting sent home.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 08/06/2022 12:31

Given that you’ve called her out on it before and spoken to her parents and they just think it’s hilarious that your poor kid is being picked on in his own house, you’re totally justified leaving her out

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