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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite one child?

65 replies

BlackandBlueBird · 08/06/2022 11:33

DD (8) is in a group of 5 friends and she wants to have them all for sleepover this summer. One of the girls is quite unkind to my 6yo DS so I’m not that keen to invite her, but understandably DD thinks that would be really unfair on the girl.
Given it will be the summer holidays I’m thinking there won’t be the chat about it at school so the girl probably wouldn’t even realise…

OP posts:
Vikinga · 08/06/2022 12:33

Just don't invite her. If asked then explain why.

Mally100 · 08/06/2022 12:36

I wouldn't invite her. She bullies your ds and is disrespectful to you. I wouldn't even want my child to be friends with a child like that.

SVRT19674 · 08/06/2022 12:36

I can´t believe you would invite someone who bullies your child into your house. Actions have consequences and this child would not be invited, and I would have zero qualms about it. Your house is your child´s sanctuary.

Johnnysgirl · 08/06/2022 12:37

I’ve told her off previously and she just laughs and carries on. She taunts him and encourages the others to do the same. Her parents have witnessed this and just laugh so not sure I’ll get much back up on that front!!
Well if this is all true, why do you have her in your home at all? Why invite someone that treats him poorly into your child's home?

BattenburgDonkey · 08/06/2022 12:41

I thought I was going to say YABU here, but actually I don’t think you should invite her. Your priority is DS and his sister should be growing up to not want people in the home
that will bully him too.

famagusta · 08/06/2022 12:45

Far too young for a sleepover!

just do a tea party in the garden with the some games. Sorted

famagusta · 08/06/2022 12:46

Oh sorry thought they were 6

no bloody way would a bully be invited in to my home but how bullying can a 6 year old, younger by 2 years, be out of interest?

famagusta · 08/06/2022 12:47

Oh for goodness sakes I’m not on the ball

no I would not invite her
but then again - she wouldn’t be bullying my son beyond the first time she did it. I would have point blank told her to stop and if she dared again… school

AngelinaFangelina · 08/06/2022 12:48

I'd probably invite her and see how it goes. She may have matured out of it by then anyway.
If she is horrible, tell her off and say if you catch her again she's going home. Mean it. She's laughing because she knows there are no consequences. Then if it happens, you ring her parents and get them to pick her up and tell them exactly why.
Either that or just don't invite her; you have a valid reason and if asked by her parents you can explain why....she upsets your DS and unfortunately won't stop when asked. Don't feel guilty about it. Bad behaviour has consequences, one of those being not invited to nice events.

Original poster
BlackandBlueBird · 08/06/2022 12:54

Johnnysgirl · 08/06/2022 12:37

I’ve told her off previously and she just laughs and carries on. She taunts him and encourages the others to do the same. Her parents have witnessed this and just laugh so not sure I’ll get much back up on that front!!
Well if this is all true, why do you have her in your home at all? Why invite someone that treats him poorly into your child's home?

She’s only been round when we’ve had the whole class (it’s a small class so that isn’t as much as it sounds). More often their interaction is in the playground after school.

OP posts:
womaninatightspot · 08/06/2022 12:55

A child picking on one of my kids wouldn’t be welcome in my house. Especially not encouraging others to do the same. I encourage my children to stick up for each other and a guest picking on one would be pulled up and not invited back.

Home is a safe space. Possibly split the sleepover to be diplomatic. I would not invite her though.

Blaze1886 · 08/06/2022 12:55

FiveNineFive · 08/06/2022 11:58

I wouldn't let a child in my house who was consistently unkind to one of my children. Home should be a safe place

This is what I came to say

Your son should feel happy and safe in his own home and it is down to you to make sure that happens

I wouldn't invite her, her parents sound useless and their behaviour is reflected in their brat

Bywayofanupdate · 08/06/2022 12:57

No way she'd be coming into my home if she behaved like that towards one of my children. I'd probably tell the parents why too!

Lollypop701 · 08/06/2022 12:59

Invite with the specific instructions to be kind or go home. Being mean doesn’t wash… make sure parents are aware in a ‘I know x will probably have grown out of her teasing and she’s here to play with dd but obviously if it happens again you will have to pick her up as I don’t want my dd upset on her birthday and she doesn’t want her db upset’

Coldnoseandtoes · 08/06/2022 12:59

I wouldn't invite her. I'd never usually do this, but seeing as her parents can't or won't deal with this, and have actually laughed at her behaviour then I'd be happy to tell them why I won't have her in my house. Your son shouldn't be taunted and teased in his own home.

parrotonthesofa · 08/06/2022 13:01

I would speak to the parents about it again. Just tell them the truth. Say you don't want to leave her out but you are concerned about inciting her and her being mean to ds because it has already happened.

Robinni · 08/06/2022 13:04

Chamomileteaplease · 08/06/2022 11:40

Yes could your dh take the boy out for a lot of the time?

I would also, when the girl arrives, take her aside and speak to her about her behaviour. Tell her that if she is horrible to DS then she will be sent home. And tell her parents too! I would want to know if my daughter was being horrible to a friend's six year old sibling 😞.

This 100%

if you exclude her there will be drama for your daughter. If you don’t pull her up on her behaviour she will be horrid to others repeatedly.

cushioncovers · 08/06/2022 13:13

Your home is your sons safe space. If you invite her to the sleep over she will have access to new bullying material. No way would she be in my home. Protect your son op.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/06/2022 13:14

I have an 8yo DD and one of her friends is quite mean to dd 10 (who is autistic and gets upset very easily). Dd10 would be upset to have this girl in her house for a whole night and it wouldn't happen for that reason.

I feel like 8 is quite young for a group sleepover anyway and they can be immature - though it sounds like the other girls are lovely - so I think having 2 groups of 2 would be good.

I wouldn't want to invite the girl with the threat of going home, especially if her parents don't support you. You would have to watch her like a hawk to check her behaviour and that's not relaxing for anyone.

Freddiefox · 08/06/2022 13:17

Yanbu, particularly if the parents are aware of the problem and laugh it off. You can point out the history of they co front you about leaving him out.
I had a similar situation where a younger child was very unkind to my older ds, in front of his mum who did nothing. Ds asked if we could never have him round again. Even though it my other ds’s good friend.

whynotwhatknot · 08/06/2022 13:21

why would anyone want a bully for their dc friends anyway

nex target will be one of the girls

Feeellostindirection · 08/06/2022 13:23

When my dd was 6 she was part of a group of girls where 3 were nice and kind and one was spoilt and bratish. Dd was having a birthday sleep over and I felt compelled to invite the bratish one against my better judgement, and to this day (dd now 16) has never forgotten how that child took over and spoilt her birthday. Said child fake cried and sulked to her own way constantly and threw tantrums of she couldn't. It put me in a situation where I let he have her own way to shut her up which meant dd didn't get things the way she wanted. In hindsight I should have called mum and sent her home. Even better I shouldn't have invited her.

BeautifulWar · 08/06/2022 13:28

Maybe raise concerns without her parents and say either she'll be sent hinge of and mean it that she's being excluded because of her previous behaviour towards him. I don't think it's viable to dodge the issue, really as there will be another time and then another, you'll just be kicking the can down the road.

Remaker · 08/06/2022 13:29

Just be aware that this could turn into a drama for your DD. Are you ok with the parents of the excluded child arranging sleepovers and outings and excluding your DD? If you are then go for it. Otherwise I’d be inclined to let your DD invite her and just keep the 6yo out of her way during the sleepover.

SMabbutt · 08/06/2022 13:41

If you are planning the sleepover for the school holidays they may not all be able to make it anyway. You would have to check availability and if the best date for the majority is when they are away on holiday it's just one of those things.
Otherwise speak to the parents and explain that they have made your 6 year old cry previously so you are inviting them on the understanding that any repeat of the behaviour and she be separated and the parents must agree to come and collect her immediately. Make sure the child and your daughter know this is the rule. I know she lives an hour away but if she has to sit in a separate room and wait for them that's tough.

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