How do you cope with being rejected by a family member?

[TalkSomeSense1]

Posting here for traffic. Sorry

Just that, really. What coping strategy do you have in place to enable you to deal with the pain it's caused/causing? It's something I'm going through at the moment and I need to take back the power and learn to live with it.

@GreekGod I[m not good with "this is happening for a reason". Partly cos my life is pretty screwed up due to ongoing trauma from what I now know as childhood abuse. I can't see any "reason" for it (other than my parents were crap parents..)

@LifeInsideMyhead I am so sorry. I fully understand and am so sorry you feel that way and so sorry you have gone through what you have. If it helps, I just asked my cousin to see if I could add something here to possibly help and she said yes. Her parents were also crap parents - I don't want to say too much here but let's just say social services were heavily involved and did nothing especially after my uncle died and there were various men in the house. But she found her silver lining after her life was also "pretty screwed up" as you say mainly due to her mum and the "happening for a reason" really helped her when she moved on and now looks back.

I am the one rejecting a family member. They say they don't know why, but they do.

They also say they want reconciliation which I'm sure they do, but I don't and never will.

They have other family members/friends who have pleaded with me to reconcile so I have cut them out too.

I feel no guilt or loss. There is nothing to miss.

I only regret giving over so much energy and time to my abuser.

Be glad you are free of them op.

Have I presented myself as the 'wounded one'? Nor have I suggested anyone in my senario (sp.) is 'a bit nuts'. I have said that there wasn't any abuse, neglect, violence or anything illegal going on so my situation isn't the same as yours.

I'm trying to do this. See the positive in the path that lies in front of me. It'll take a while to get over all that has happened but I'll get there!

Another (possibly helpful) thing to remember is that family takes many different forms.

I look after two little girls who live opposite me on an informal basis. I am a sort of auntie to them and would drop everything to help them.

I choose my own family these days - only the best for me

I love this idea. I have friends who are amazing people and I'll love them even more from now on. xx

@TalkSomeSense1 to be honest I don't really bother with him because I saw how much upset he caused my parents - especially my mother. And in my opinion he isn't a nice person.

He contacts my dad more than my mum and part of me thinks he does it on purpose to upset her but maybe I am reading too much Into it. I think they are on eggshells with him cos he is liable to piss off again but who knows.

He has never shown any remorse - he never does about anything though. And in everyone's opinions but his the reason he went NC and disappeared from the face of earth was pathetic; he was asked to repay money owed to another family member.

Some people are just horrors and someone has to be related to then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sparklybutold Thank you for sharing. (I would actually love a bubble bath but I don't have a tub!)

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. It can feel so desperate and devastating. Two of my siblings have not spoken to me since my divorce, and I lost many “friends” “in the settlement” as well. One of the most helpful moments for me was, after running to my grandparents in tears after a particularly humiliating and public rejection, being told by my grandmother, “It’s going to happen. It’s not fair or right, but it’s going to happen”. There was no sugar-coating, no lies to make me feel better. Just the truth delivered with more respect for my intelligence and capability than anyone else would offer. She then held me while I cried and my grandfather put the kettle on. I’ll always be grateful for how she met me in that moment. It was an excruciating time in my life, and I lost people that may never come back to me. But she made me realise that I would survive, and that I am loved regardless of how some people make me feel. Eventually enough time passes and you realise that not only are you surviving, but you’re surviving without the presence of people you thought would be in your corner no matter what. I wish you all the best, and promise you it does and will get better xx

I think some context can help because it frames how you deal with it. If there has been lifelong jealousy from someone like a sibling, that's different to a sudden, almost unexplainable event where they treated you badly and you didn't see it coming. Also whether other family are involved, and you stop being invited to other family functions as it becomes a "then or me" scenario.

So those sort of things do affect how you will deal with this going forward.

But treating it generally, you have to firm up in your mind what is acceptable from them and others going forward, and stick to it. If they've cut you off but still expect to have access to your DC, I'd be inclined to tell them to piss off. If your family are making a big fuss over who to invite and start cutting you off too, then slowly replace them with other family, either extended or "chosen" (not related, In laws, etc).

If you find yourself dwelling on the situation, find something else to do - put on a song to sing along to, watch some tv, read a book, anything really. Just make sure you get those thoughts out of your head. Eventually you will dwell on it less and less.

Accept
&
Move on.

ClaryFairchild speaks sense.
Replace them!
When I was frozen out by two siblings that's what I did.
Me being cut off was only temporary as it was done to punish me for speaking out about something that was taboo in my family of origin.
They are all about accepting bad behaviour from some relatives and zero toletance on honesty.
Very hard to navigate and not worth it at all.
Now that my freezing out period is up I have reset the relationship with the siblings by keeping contact to a minimum and texting etc. very rarely.
The funny thing is they dislike each other and have always moaned about one another to me.
So they have lost more than I have in the end.

Although I was the one to finally go NC, it was the other party who wanted it to happen but she didn't want to be seen as "that" person to the rest of the family so she pushed every button until she found the one that worked.
It was really painful in the beginning and thoughts of everything that had gone on seldom left my head but it's been five years and I don't give her much thought at all now until her name pops up.

Coping strategies will be different for everyone but here is mine...
I used a silver, heart shaped keyring, that no longer had the chain attached.
The keyring was one of a pair and had a very "special" (and relevant to the situation) engraving on it.

I carried it around in my pocket and took it everywhere with me.
When I felt down about the situation I would run my thumb over the engraving to remind me just how bad things had been and why NC was my only option.
It served it's purpose beautifully.