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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you cope with being rejected by a family member?

114 replies

TalkSomeSense1 · 06/06/2022 14:38

Posting here for traffic. Sorry

Just that, really. What coping strategy do you have in place to enable you to deal with the pain it's caused/causing? It's something I'm going through at the moment and I need to take back the power and learn to live with it.

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 06/06/2022 22:25

Your very first response came with a snarl and a putdown. Not surprised someone close to you has decided to put space between you.

SheSaidHummingbird · 06/06/2022 22:26

Sparklybutold would you mind giving some advice about self-care? This is something I struggle with, and I'm sure that OP would benefit from real advice.

camphire · 06/06/2022 22:28

When you start looking at therapists make sure you ask in your initial session what their experience of family estrangement is.

I saw a complete crackpot who was determined to reunite me with my parents because his humanist beliefs meant that he felt that everybody is capable of growth and change.

Tried to push me into mediation with them even though they were sexually abusive and I had young daughters, FFS (reader, I ignored him and my parents haven't seen my daughters in 5 years).

TakeMe2Insanity · 06/06/2022 22:29

It takes time. Part of it is accepting that the person can’t be (insert relationship eg sister) that you want them to be even if they were in your life. So you kind of let them go and just accept they are on a parallel path to a different destination.

Janedoe82 · 06/06/2022 23:05

I am estranged from my brother. I had counselling. Helped a bit. Now I just pretend he doesn’t exist. Sometimes I am triggered by things and break down but then I remind myself he is a hateful bastard.

Sparklybutold · 06/06/2022 23:21

@SheSaidHummingbird

The self care I'm talking about runs deeper than a bubble bath. It's doing something that you feel at your core, that gives you all the lovely butterflies that make everything all worth while. It's a deeper connection to something. For me it's gardening - I love the connection I make when my hands run through good quality soil. I love me good soil which has been cultivated in a compost! I love growing stuff and looking after it. I also weight lift - nothing major! Just enough to focus and expel the inner anger that can build. I don't do either as much as I would like. I have a 1 year old and a pre teen so life is pretty hectic.

Sparklybutold · 06/06/2022 23:29

IME - estrangement is one of the most stigmatizing decision anyone can make. It goes against everything that society tells us not to do - stick with family, bloody thicker than water etc. All of this is so damaging.

When I made the decision to estrange myself - it was the realisation that staying with them caused me more pain than any pain with them.not being there. I mourn daily, but not for them, for the family I wished I had. As a mum, especially to a daughter, I have no fall back, no one in my corner so-to-speak. I have a wonderful husband, but it doesnt replace the foundation with which your bio family gives you.

I have an emptiness in my heart, which also paradoxically feels like an anchor of complete sadness. The feeling that I'm different because not even my own family want me. My bio family history is filled with so much abuse and sadness. When I had kids - I had to break the cycle. But this is a lonely decision. It's also not a decision you can talk about freely because of the stigma and generally people don't understand. I literally have no contact with any of my bio family.

This is why self care and some type of life purpose is so vital to just survive the absolute heartbreak that you're left with.

Sparklybutold · 06/06/2022 23:29

@camphire

Good advice. Also make sure they are accredited with someone like the BACP.

BiscoffSundae · 06/06/2022 23:30

Depends on the reasons (not saying you need to give them) I am NC with my sister and I don’t like to give the reasons it’s personal, but she definitely deserves it I sometimes think family think they can do what they like and you will forgive them, she has tried multiple times over the years to contact me despite me not wanting to hear from her again at the end of the day you just need to make peace with it and accept it

Sparklybutold · 06/06/2022 23:34

The negative feedback sady reinforces the stigma I spoke about previously. Estrangement comes with so many emotions - anger being one of them. OP does not need to give details about why, that is no ones business - she has simply asked for ways to cope with estrangement.

Sparklybutold · 06/06/2022 23:35

This website may also be helpful

www.standalone.org.uk/

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 06/06/2022 23:40

Wow, some nasty comments here. I have been in this situation - trying to understand why was helpful to me and really made it clear that overall it was not my fault - which I knew intellectually but did not really know emotionally, iyswim? I took responsibility for my part, but could see the bigger picture. With grudges and bitterness, I use visualization to imagine physically letting go - it is hard but practising this helps. Look on the positive psychology sites for information. As for keeping doors open, think carefully - a therapist will help you work out if this is what you want to do. I tried very hard to do this, but had to stop in self defence.

milkyaqua · 06/06/2022 23:45

Wow, some nasty comments here.

Yes, from the OP:

"Wind your neck in " [you] "sniping bint"

Azizai · 06/06/2022 23:45

If you deserve it (as I think you probably do) there aren't really any coping strategies that will work long term because guilt doesn't allow us to forget for very long so you just have to live with it unfortunately.

If by chance you didn't deserve it then be thankful that you don't have to have anything to do with them ever again, people who cut you off for no good reason should be avoided at all costs.

bottleofbeer · 06/06/2022 23:47

Massively long story so I won't go into it. I lost an entire side of my family. It hurt and I have totally examined my own part in it (I'm not a baby who assumes everything is somebody else's fault) but I am satisfied that it wasn't anything I did.

How do I deal with it? Accept I can't change opinions, accept that they are entitled to that opinion and focus on those that love me. I believe they are wrong. They believe they are right. I would absolutely rage at what I saw as injustice and could not believe others could not see it. But ultimately, they were never going to stand up and say that this shit wasn't right. That was hard to take.

It will probably always upset me, but this is just how it is. I just have to let it go.

Bouledeneige · 06/06/2022 23:49

I find it very hard to accept. I love them with all my heart and would give my life for them. So all I can do is indicate that I'm always here and just hope that one day our lives will come together again.

Most of the time I just keep myself busy and try to enjoy the other important relationships and pleasures in my life. I have a lot of lovely friends and very loving kind people around. But at certain points it surfaces again - when I go on family trips, when there's a bereavement, old shared jokes and laughs surface. That's hard.

I'm not a bad person. I'm a kind loving person but I've been written out.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 06/06/2022 23:53

And from others @milkyaqua

bottleofbeer · 06/06/2022 23:54

Yeah, being written out is my experience. It absolutely blindsided me. I didn't see it coming and so I couldn't prepare for it.

I was lied about, abused mentally and even with absolute proof in the form of texts (I will destroy you and see you with nothing as one example) which were still brushed off, I just have to live with it.

milkyaqua · 06/06/2022 23:55

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 06/06/2022 23:53

And from others @milkyaqua

After her outburst, which to my mind was informative.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 07/06/2022 00:42

I'm the one who did the cutting off but I think the thought process can help both sides

Just because fate joined you in some random way by sharing a bunch of genetic material doesn't mean you have got to be in each other's lives

You are individual with different minds and Experiences. If it was a colleague Or random there wouldn't be such strife.

Blood doesn't mean you will get along.

PurassicJark · 07/06/2022 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Londonnight · 07/06/2022 07:45

You learn to live with it. I had counselling which really helped put things into perspective.
I hope at some point in the future we can put this behind us and be together again, but for now I have to accept what is happening and to get on with my own life otherwise it would drive me mad constantly thinking about it.

Dacquoise · 07/06/2022 08:01

@TalkSomeSense1 , the Stately Homes thread in Relationships might be a good place for advice on this one. Non judgemental safe place to discuss family estrangement.

I am NC with my entire family which was my decision after a lifetime of abuse as the family scapegoat. Time, grieving the relationships I didn't really have and a good therapist have really helped.💐

SleeplessInEngland · 07/06/2022 08:07

Sorry, but need more info to give advice. How close was this kin? How/why did the estrangement start? Can it be salvaged? Etc etc.

Don’t fly off the handle because people want to know the context or you’ll make them think ‘no wonder this family member wants nothing to do with you.’

LakieLady · 07/06/2022 08:10

Accept it, draw a line under it, and move on.

Dwelling on it will make it much harder to get over.