Sis in law drama advice

[Lagertha6]

My DH has 2 brothers and one sister who all have partners/babies/young children.

I'm in process of arranging an afternoon tea for the girls which will include my mum in law.

One of our sister in laws (call her Sadie) is very, very, very hard work. Walk on eggshell types and she becomes annoyed if you say something she doesn't agree with.

Sadie has been rude to mum in law in the past to the point of tears. She's from another country so has no family or barely any friends here. My mum in law encourages my friendship with Sadie, which is fine but everytime I see her I'm on edge.

My sis in law (DH sister) dislikes her for various reasons. I can understand why she doesn't like Sadie and I know Sadie is really hard work.

Also Sadie doesn't like my sis in law and is resentful of my mum in law. Sadie told me this and I've never repeated it to anyone.

I've just told my sis in law that I have asked Sadie to come for afternoon tea and she isn't happy about it. My sis in law (call her Katie) has two babies (newborn and 18 months) so doesn't ever get a break.

Katie has told me that she doesn't want to spend a rare day off on edge and anxious. But if I hadn't had invited her then Sadie would be upset and my mum in law wouldn't be pleased.

What do I do? Feel like just cancelling whole thing. I can't be bothered going out where people don't like each other and I have to spend the day placating everyone. But I love my family so I'm stuck.

Cancel the whole thing, I don’t know why you are even trying to organise something with a set of people that do not get along with each other.

As an aside, I don’t know why you even feel the need to organise this female inlaw thing anyway. My husband has two brothers both married, I feel no need to organise afternoon tea with myself and the two wives. I would expect and social gatherings to be orchestrated by the brothers.

I think you need to drop the rope with Sadie. Doesn't need to be a big drama just pull back, don't arrange events, if she invites you somewhere have an excuse ready, just politely pull back.

I get on fine with SIL (DH's brother's wife) and we have a chat at family events, maybe the odd whats app but we have never met up just the two of us, I think that's pretty normal to be honest.

Ok if Sadie is going to be a miserable twat anyway, leave her out and give her something to be actually miserable about. And go and have a nice time with your two nice SILs and your MIL.

You are trying to keep everyone happy, but you say both your MIL and Katie need a break. No one will be happy. Especially you.
You've invited Sadie out of duty even tho she doesn't like MIL or Katie and they don't like her.
It sounds like you don't like her and she must know that. She is probably difficult because she feels that none of you like her. An afternoon she cannot reasonably get out of with three people who all resent her is not going to improve things and will probably create a new event for everyone to feel upset with.
See them all separately.

Sadie is really resentful of Katie and her two children as she feels like her two children are being ignored and she's not supported. But my MIL has her 2 kids 4 days a week.
sadie is clearly irrational! 4 days a week is basically her mother in law is nearly a full time nanny to her children and she thinks Katie gets all the support? You can’t reason with crazy and you don’t have to shut up and put up with it either. Sounds like about time someone said Sadie, mil does more for your children than just about any grandma or grandma in law I know, I cannot believe you are complaining about it. And if she gets the hump sounds like a huge win.

Oh I couldn’t be bothered with all that, she doesn’t like her, she doesn’t get on with that one, I wouldn’t be entertains any of it 🤣

Entertaining

If Sadie gets left out it’s entirely her own fault.You can’t force people to like someone particularly if they’re rude and obnoxious.

I’d hang out with Katie and MIL and leave it up to them if they don’t want to be around her. You can always socialise with Sadie alone if you like her so much (doesn’t sound like you do).

They aren't my family. They are/were my husband's family. I have my own family and lots of friends, who I am friends with because we like each other not because we have to because we are in-laws.
It's a completely normal way of relating to in-laws. I get that some people make their relations/married into family into their only friends but if you do, then it's inevitable that it ends up like a scene from Corrie or EastEnders.

carry on with the event, invite all family ladies and DO NOT get involved in any drama. Leave it to the people who create the drama, don't get involved, don't get involved, don't get involved.

Why would you organise any optional social event with attendees that you know don't like each other?

Cancel it OP and book something similar but slightly different with you, MIL, her daughter and the other SIL. Don't tell Sadie.

Also if you quote the posts you're replying to, it'll make it easier for people to follow your replies.

The question is do you want your MIL and Katie to have a nice time or a shit one? If you get them and Sadie together they will have a shit one. She also doesn't like them. Cancel and rearrange.

Also you sound like a kind and patient person who's tried to see the best in Sadie, and give her a chance - but honestly, she sounds horrible. Maybe she moved countries because she'd already pissed off everyone in her home country. She'd rude, ungrateful to MIL, unkind and not pleasant to be around. I'd limit your interactions with her to family occasions, you don't HAVE to see her more often.

Christ on a bike
I'd send a group message saying bookings fucked up and postpone indefinitely

I can't be fucked with drama

The person causing drama is you, by inviting "Sadie" to an event when you know it will cause friction and upset.

There is something in that.

I'd just ask them but leave them all to it.

A few years ago DB was married to a complete bitch, whenever she came round we had to bite our tongues and be nice to her (we all liked her at first) but then after a while she showed her true colours. There was when memorable time when she visited, I was upstairs, and she was screeching that she'd fight me! Then she ostracised my DB from his family. Luckily the marriage didn't last and they divorced.

What do you do? How about this:

Have a quiet word with Sadie, explaining that you all want to include her in the gig but you all need her to behave in a certain way, i.e., NOT doing X, Y, Z (the type of thing she's got form for - and have specific examples ready in case she denies it.) Be super duper nice about it and if she accepts it and comes along (admittedly unlikely), well things may improve; but if she is outraged at you all "ganging up on" her and doesn't come, well that's OK too.
However - this would require agreement in advance from the other SILs and maybe the MIL too, because it depends on you taking the position that you're being perfectly nice and reasonable in explaining what you all need from her. Maybe you/your husband could even run it by her husband beforehand because the best outcome would be for her to see that her behaviour is found unacceptable by everyone else.

Cancel. Arrange to just take MIL out and offer to watch Katies kids so she can go out with her mum another time. Invite 3rd SIL that you do like for another thing, or her and her dh to yours for dinner.

Family events dont need to involve all family members, you can see just one or two of the couples. You can quietly stop arranging anything with Sadie. DH can meet up with his brother married to Sadie without wives.

Sadie has no friends. Sadie isn't making much effort to have a close family relationship. This is who she is. Stop trying. If she wants a close family relationship, she can put the work in.

No, you don't all get on. Sadie rubs everybody up the wrong way. That's not 'getting on', at best it's you and MIL sweeping reality under the carpet.

Thank you. I said that to her at the lunch an she didn't speak to me. She doesn't like it when you disagree.

Just organise something with your MIL.

don't feed the drama.

Another one who suggests cancelling and rebooking in a different format…one without Sadie.
Do something else with Sadie, which includes letting her know her challenges.

Ok thanks very much for your help. Still new on here xxxx

I actually really agree with this, we do. Alot of phrases are uses "just do this/that otherwise Sadie will get annoyed." We do sweep alot under the carpet. My MIL knows that Katie dislikes Sadie and tbh I think my MIL does although she won't ever say that. She just wants to keep her DS happy (Sadies fiancee.) Whenever there is aggro or Sadie throws a strop, I try to agree with Katie's POV but my MIL asks me to remain neutral.

But Katie has really been struggling with the both babies (her husband should help more) and she just wanted her Mum this one day as the babies had to be rushed to hospital.

That weekend I had lunch with Sadie and Sadie was annoyed my MIL wasn't available to babysit. I explained due to babies being in hosp, Sadie replied she doesn't get any help so why should Katie. I then replied MIL has yours 4 days a week, which she didn't like an has barely spoken to me since.

I personally don't like her. She does treat my MIL like garbage.