Who is being unreasonable?

[User2392]

I know you all hate these types of threads but I wanted to keep it as unbiased as I could so apologies!

Olivia has a child with Paul, they are not together and Paul has another younger child with his wife Lizzy.

Olivia and Lizzy have always gotten on well enough, not the best of friends but amicable and as the years have gone on, friendly.

Olivia's child has recently told her that he feels since his sister was born that Lizzy and her family don't care about him as much and are always doing things with his sister and not him. This upset Olivia.

Olivia and Paul don't really get on so she decided to send a message to Lizzy directly just asking if they could talk about it. The message was polite but to the point.

Lizzy replied saying that she is sorry he feels that way but her daughter will always be number one to both her and her family (her parents, grandparents, siblings etc..) and that if there are any issues with their child, Olivia should take it up with Paul. She also added that it was none of Olivia's business how much or what Lizzy does with her own daughter and she won't be made to feel like she has to justify it. The message was also polite but obviously Lizzy wasn't happy.

Who's unreasonable?

(Flipped a coin for the vote so don't read anything into that)

YABU - Olivia shouldn't have sent the message in the first place.

YANBU - Lizzy's reply was cruel.

Olivia is.

Tricky situation definitely. I can see why Olivia reached out to Lizzy if they've had a good relationship in the past but she needs to be discussing this with Paul.

Obviously Lizzy's own child is going to come first to her and her family, but she should be considering her step child and if they are favouring the younger child to the point that the older child is upset then thats wrong. Its up to Paul to manage this.

I didn’t vote as tbh I don’t think that anyone is being particularly unreasonable.

it’s understandable that Olivia is upset if her child’s upset, but Lizzy also has every right to prioritise her own child, same as I’m sure Olivia would prioritise hers.

it would be best to talk the the child’s dad about it. It’s his responsibility to ensure that both his children are included as far as possible.

Olivia is BU. Lizzy is correct and her message was correct in its entirety.

Olivia should take issues up with Paul if she is concerned. Lizzys parenting of her child and that childs relationships with Lizzy's family are none of Olivia's business.

Olivia is unreasonable. She needs to take it up with Paul.

I think although lizzy reply was harsh- I certainly wouldn't of replied like that, Olivia should really be taking it up with Paul as like Lizzy says her child is her child so she's undoubtedly going to be doing more things etc with her own child.

Overall, I think the message was misplaced to be sent to lizzy and not Paul. He is the one with two kids, and thus who should be making sure he is spending enough time with both of them etc.

YABU

Are Olivia and her DS are upset that Lizzy and family are doing things when he is not there, or are they doing things and leaving him out when he is there?

Oh and yes as with pp, I can imagine that Lizzy has rightly taken umbrage that she's the one being pulled up for the DS feeling not included and not his father!

I think it’s one of those situations whereby neither was right or wrong, they were both standing up for their own child. Olivia obviously wanted to find out if there was a problem, and didn’t want her child feeling marginalised. However, at the same time, Lizzy’s child is bound to get more of the attention/time as she is with Lizzy and Paul 100% of the time.

I presume Olivia’s child also has grandparents etc so perhaps it’s not as one sided as Olivia’s child thinks, but to her, it seems more one sided, when she hears all the exciting things Lizzie’s child gets up to with her wider family.

Lizzy goes out with her family and daughter when Olivia's son is there yes. He also goes with them sometimes too but not all the time.

LIzzy is bound to treat her child slightly differently or maybe very differently.

Sadly Paul probably leaves a lot of the parenting to Lizzy and so the poor child feels left out when it should be his father treating all children the same. So yes the conversation, face to face, should be with Paul.

Lizzy is hopefully nicer to the child in real life, just sticking up for herself.

Have you any examples the child gave?

Have you any examples the child gave?

The two given in Olivia's message were about their birthdays, Lizzy's child had a big fuss made by her Lizzy and her family and Olivia's child didn't in comparison.

And there was a trip out recently that Lizzy's parents took her child to when Olivia's son was there that he'd of liked to go on but wasn't invited and stayed home with Lizzy and Paul.

Basically Olivia feels Lizzy and her family used to make a lot more effort with her son prior to Lizzy's daughter being born and now they aren't as bothered.

Lizzy feels like she does still make effort but there will also be times when she and her family prioritises her daughter and Olivia can't expect them to have the same time and energy to invest in her and Paul's son all the time.

Olivia is, she should be talking to Paul about how their shared child feels, and she should be supporting her child in understanding that Lizzy's family will do things with just his sister in the same way that Olivia's family will do things with just him and that it's ok

It just sounds like Lizzy's family are more supportive. They took their grandchild out, simple. Paul needs to up his game if his child is feeling left out.

Paul's unreasonable. Obvs both mums are going to fight their own children's corners, it's up to Paul as PARENT OF BOTH to make sure that fairness prevails.

How old are the children?

Paul needs to step up as a dad but clearly he’s useless nothing you can do unfortunately apart from try and support your dc whilst he realised he will always come 2nd
Hopefully he’s old enough to drop contact soon too

I changed my vote after reading your drip feed.
But the unreasonable one here is Paul. He needs to ensure his child is prioritised.

Olivia is being unreasonable. It’s up to her and Paul to talk to their child about his feelings and Olivia’s expectations of Lizzy and Lizzy’s family are not very realistic. Olivia’s son is a priority for Olivia and for Olivia’s family. Lizzy’s daughter is a priority for Lizzy and Lizzy’s family. That’s fair.

So when Lizzy’s parents took theIr granddaughter out that was dad’s cue to do something special with his son rather than having him stay home feeling left out. The issue here really is dad who has probably done the usual lazy thing of expecting his new partner to take over parenting for everyone. Nobody wants a child to feel bad but well done Lizzy for not buying into it.

I can see why she thought talking to lizzy was the way to go but clearly it's backfired. She needs to talk to Paul. When her son is there both children should be treated equally. Obviously they will do stuff with their daughter when he's not there as his mum will do stuff with him. Did he have a party/fuss with his mum? If yes They may have felt they didn't need to do as big a fuss at theirs. It sounds like lizzy and Paul are being a bit thoughtless they can treat their child and still include Paul's son when he's there.

My dd and their siblings have this, their dad takes his children that he lives with on holiday but doesn't invite his other children (4 in total) but his other children all get holidays with their mums. He's never done parties for his children he no longer lives with but has attended the parties I've done. Xmas and birthdays s he spends same on each kid so they end getting double as they get my pressies too.

I feel bad for that kid that wasn't invited on the trip, bless his heart

Paul’s being crap and needs to pull his socks up. But it isn’t Lizzy’s responsibility to make him

Olivia needs to speak to the child's father about any issues she has, or she risks ruining the decent relationship she shares with Lizzy.

Lizzy's priority will be to her own child of course, this is not unusual.

Olivia needs to speak to Paul and ask him to spend more time 1-2-1 with their child and make much more of an effort, so he doesn't feel left out. This is not Lizzy's job. Olivia should step up contact and special days with her own family to offset any differences. Paul should be making time for his child and making him feel special, this his job as a father.