Who is being unreasonable?

[User2392]

I know you all hate these types of threads but I wanted to keep it as unbiased as I could so apologies!

Olivia has a child with Paul, they are not together and Paul has another younger child with his wife Lizzy.

Olivia and Lizzy have always gotten on well enough, not the best of friends but amicable and as the years have gone on, friendly.

Olivia's child has recently told her that he feels since his sister was born that Lizzy and her family don't care about him as much and are always doing things with his sister and not him. This upset Olivia.

Olivia and Paul don't really get on so she decided to send a message to Lizzy directly just asking if they could talk about it. The message was polite but to the point.

Lizzy replied saying that she is sorry he feels that way but her daughter will always be number one to both her and her family (her parents, grandparents, siblings etc..) and that if there are any issues with their child, Olivia should take it up with Paul. She also added that it was none of Olivia's business how much or what Lizzy does with her own daughter and she won't be made to feel like she has to justify it. The message was also polite but obviously Lizzy wasn't happy.

Who's unreasonable?

(Flipped a coin for the vote so don't read anything into that)

YABU - Olivia shouldn't have sent the message in the first place.

YANBU - Lizzy's reply was cruel.

If I was Olivia I would be getting a list of activities and days out he plans to do, along with reassurances her son won't be left out and left at home, or I would stop contact.

Then Paul needs to step up. Why is Lizzy getting the blame?

Surely Olivias child has grandparents , aunts etc that make a fuss of him?
I

I think it would be better if Olivia does talk to Paul to say "this is what ds needs" rather than "your not doing this right"

What drip feed?

But doesn’t Olivia’s child have Olivia’s family to do things with and make a fuss over his birthday? Presumably he has attention from them which (obviously) Lizzy’s child does not. I don’t see unfairness here.

Paul is the big fucking problem here. But if I were Lizzy, I would include the child more as my child's sibling absolutely. I would make the situation easier if I could., us adults are only pathways for the children we have, why would it benefit anyone from keeping the half-siblings separate? but people are not that nice to each other nowadays, so there must be something resentful going on from some party involved.

There's no unfairness as such, but it would be nice if Lizzy didn't run his nose in it. Depending on how often he's there, it wouldn't be a huge hardship to plan exciting trips etc, for the days he's not there. The main issue is that Paul isn't stepping up to do things with his son while Lizzy does things with their daughter

OP your later posts imply that Lizzy and her family used to include this older child and do things with him, but that since the younger child was born they have dumped him in favour of her. It sounds poorly handled and rather cruel - no wonder the boy is hurt.

It is natural to prefer your own child/grandchild, of course - but if you make the choice to form a relationship with a child, you can't just throw them over when your own child arrives and expect them to suck it up.

OP your later posts imply that Lizzy and her family used to include this older child and do things with him, but that since the younger child was born they have dumped him in favour of her. It sounds poorly handled and rather cruel - no wonder the boy is hurt

This isn't entirely true to be fair.

They do still include him in some things but they also take out Lizzy's daughter by themselves too and just generally make more of a fuss over her.

It doesn't sound as though the boy himself is being unreasonable to feel dropped and let down, though. Lizzy is responsible for that, since she formed the relationship with him and she has cooled it since her own child was born.

Do you post all the time about this, so familiar.

No?

Do Olivia's parents make a fuss of Lizzy's child? Take her out? Because that is the comparison.

Paul needsto step up here. Lizzy has done nothing wrong. Why is this all aimed at her?

Olivia's son is there to see his dad not his step mother's family.

Sounds like Olivia should be organising some things with extended family for her son.

This wouldn't really be an acceptable reason to stop contact. Paul isn't harming or failing to safeguard the child, rather being a bit useless and not ensuring that the child has equal focus time.

Olivia should have gone to Paul rather than Lizzy as of course the latter would probably feel quite defensive over her time/family time with their child. But neither is unreasonable really - Olivia has a right to raise it as her child has voiced their concerns, and Lizzy has a right to assert that her own child is the priority - even if it may have come across as a bit dismissive.

When ex DP and I had our DS, he had an elder 7 year old from previous relationship - I made as sure as I could that DSS was included in everything and asked even if it wasn't something he'd be into - it was incredibly important that DSS felt as included with everything as possible and that he had 1-on-1 time with both his Dad and with me.

Olivia is being UR.

Of course Lizzie's family will take their grandchild out on their own - the stepchild has their own two sets of grandparents to spoil them? If anything it sounds like the grandparents took the grandchild out, so Paul and Lizzie had 1-2-1 time with the step child like it used to be?

Why are Lizzie's family obligated to invite Olivia's DS? If they want to take their grandchild out that is their right. They don't need to be providing entertainment for Paul's child. He stayed home with his dad which is who he is there to see.

I think Olivia needs to explain things to her son.

Olivia is unreasonable but not too much. And Lizzy’s is unreasonable a bit as well, she’s read the message wrongly - the message was about Lizzy’s family not Paul and Lizzy. The problem is that Lizzy’s family was making a fuss about the child before and he/she felt welcomed, loved and included but now they seems stopped doing it. I do appreciate that it’s their own grandchild/ niece or nephew etc but you can’t just forget another child completely. It is naturally upsetting for the child.
However the real situation might be different: maybe it’s the only day Lizzy’s parents could take their grandchild out and caring for 2 children was too much for them. The same with birthday party, there might be a lot of factors why it looked better/bigger/ more fuss.
I think in a way Olivia was right to raise this, it’s worse when the resentment is building up but she’s done it clumsily.
I really hope OP, you are not Paul.

I think it's about the fact that they would have included him, before the younger child came along, but now they have their own grandchild they are no longer as interested in him. That's always going to be hurtful for a child, and it's wrong to form a relationship with a child and gain their affection if you aren't going to treat that affection with respect later on.

I've seen whole threads full of people outraged because a dog isn't getting the same level of attention after a child has been born. I would have thought a stepchild would be worthy of at least the same level of consideration.

I think Olivia shouldn't have spoken to Lizzie, but instead Paul. When Lizzie and her family are going out, then Paul needs to do something good with his son. I think you're blaming the wrong person here. It would be nice if they included both children in everything, but the step mother is allowed to spend time with her child too. But I understand that it feels hurtful for the son, it may stop him from wanting to visit.

There was a thread on here not long ago about a stepmother holding a birthday party for her child and being chastised for her stepchild not having a similar big bash. So a sort of comparison with the examples Olivia's son gave.

In that scenario it was firmly agreed that the stepchild already had two parents to organise a birthday party and make a big fuss and it was unfair to compare and blame the stepmother for the parents decision not to do the same for their child.

So the questions would be
-why didn't the son have a party of his own? Or did he and it just wasn't as big? Do the parents jointly organise this?
-do olivias parents and Paul's parents have an active role in the sons life?

I think it was unreasonable but understandable to contact Lizzy instead of Paul and the father should be the one to ensure the son does things with his dad if his half sister is out with her grandparents

It is understandable that Olivia’s son feels left out but it doesn’t mean anyone is doing anything wrong. All three need to work on building the child’s confidence so they know that there may be differences, because he has two sets of grandparents plus the step grandparents and the other child just has two sets of grandparents, but they are loved and are an important part of the family. Remind him of all of the things he gets to do with Olivia’s parents that Lizzy’s child doesn’t

Olivia's son is there to see his dad not his step mother's family

Exactly - and although it is important he spends time with his sister, that isn't the responsibility of Lizzy's family to facilitate.

I really hope this is Lizzie but I suspect it's Olivia