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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in law being pushy

58 replies

UpInSpace11 · 05/06/2022 23:11

Whilst at my in laws today, my mil started talking about our 3.5 year old ds staying over at their house soon. I explained that I would prefer he didn't just yet as I think he's a bit young and said that I'd worry about him. His sleep isn't always great and he can get quite disturbed with dreams and wants mummy/daddy in the night. I said that he hasn't even slept at my parents yet and they're only a mile up the road. My mil got really pushy and said that they wouldn't babysit unless ds can sleep at theirs. I thought this was a bit ott. They don't babysit that often but equally, they look after him one morning a week whilst we're at work and they take him on outings every so often. So they do see him enough.

I'm happy for ds to stay at grandparent's houses in the future when he's a little bit older or just a bit more settled with night time, etc.

She then looked at my DH and said that she couldn't wait to get rid of him when he was little. But I'm just not like that. Do I have to be the same as her?!

I'm really not being ungrateful for the offer of a sleepover for ds but I feel like I should be allowed to feel OK about it. AIBU?

OP posts:

parietal · 05/06/2022 23:15

YANBU. why should she be able to demand that your child sleeps over? that is up to you and your child's needs. the child is not a toy to be handed over for others to play with and have a turn.

Lazypuppy · 05/06/2022 23:17

Everyone is different. My DD was staying at grandparents houses from 5 months, but i was happy wth that.

Just keep repeating what you've said and she is being ridiculous with that ultimatum

Mumnetter111 · 05/06/2022 23:22

Well I do think 3.5 years is an acceptable age for family sleepovers but you’ve explained that your not letting him stay at anyone else’s so it seems like your being fair and not trying to make a dig at the MIL. Although you said they don’t babysit often, I would consider a morning a week quite often 😂

Tothemoonandbackx · 05/06/2022 23:22

Whilst she is being very unreasonable for basically demanding he stops over and then threatening to not babysit which is really shitty. At 3.5, he should be ok to stop over for just one night, it's not like he's with complete strangers.

Cherrysoup · 05/06/2022 23:26

So she’s blackmailed you re stopping childcare because she wants to re-live having a toddler, even tho she couldn’t wait to get rid of her own son?! Weird! Just remind her that you’re the parent, you get to dec, not her and if she continues to blackmail you (do use that word), then you’ll find alternative childcare ie your mum. Silly mare.

SoftwareDev · 05/06/2022 23:26

That attitude would completely provoke me. I'd stop allowing her to babysit and, if questioned, explain that I won't allow myself to be manipulated into doing something I'm not comfortable with. I'd push my view that, as my child's mother, I know what is best for him. Sounds like your MIL needs boundaries enforced!

Janedoe82 · 05/06/2022 23:29

I would let him stay. This kind of thing can build and build and result in a big fall out. Your anxiety shouldn’t stop your son being able to stay with grandparents and develop a strong bond with them.

TidyDancer · 05/06/2022 23:36

Her attitude is unhelpful and she isn't right to manipulate the situation but I don't think she's unreasonable to ask given his age. She babysits quite a bit if it's on a weekly basis so he's obviously very used to her.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 05/06/2022 23:37

Absolutely not being U. You're the mother, you need to do what you know is right for your child. If MIL continues to be pushy about it, stop the weekly babysitting and make alternative arrangements

Africa2go · 05/06/2022 23:39

I think YABU - it's a bit hypocritical to accept the regular (presumably good) childcare on weekdays but overnight is different? How long has she been providing childcare? what would happen if he wanted mummy or daddy when he's there for morning childcare? Isn't it the same scenario (she just settles him)?

WildCoasts · 05/06/2022 23:46

Her attempt to manipulate you with refusing to babysit would be the part that bothered me here. I'd call her bluff and find other care because that sort of thing really gets my back up.

You are his mother and you and DH get to decide when you are comfortable with him having overnights, if ever. She can have a good relationship with him during the day without needing overnights.

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 05/06/2022 23:50

"If you couldn't wait to get rid of your son, why would I trust you with mine?"

worraliberty · 05/06/2022 23:54

YANBU, don't let him stay over until you and his dad think he's ready.

This is confusing though (although irrelevant I know)...

They don't babysit that often but equally, they look after him one morning a week whilst we're at work

Is that not babysitting?

Eddiesferret · 05/06/2022 23:56

The usual suspects will pile in and say 'you don't have to part with your child ..blah blah blah.. but out in the real world where most of us have fairly normal relationships with extended family we realise that our kids do not 'belong' exclusively to the mother. Perhaps your partner would like his mother to have his child for the night. Perhaps your mother would like that special opportunity to bond over sleeping at granny's..

Sleep overs with GP are completely normal. All mine had had at least one by six months . I assumed (rightly) that as my mil and dm had raised 6 between them they might know what they were doing. And could almost certainly cope with a disturbed night !

It created a lovely bond and gave DH and I a break which is great for all couples once in a while.

Peach777 · 05/06/2022 23:59

When she said she wouldn’t babysit I would have said ‘okay’. She’s made her bed, she can lie in it. No need to engage with her drama.

Original poster

UpInSpace11 · 05/06/2022 23:59

So currently ds spends a couple of hours one morning a week with the inlaws. They collect him at 9.30, give him lunch and drop him at nursery for 12.30. What my mil meant by babysitting was if DH and I go out in the evening which is only very occasionally.

I just feel pressurised and I don't think that's fair. DH feels similarly. We're the parents so surely we have to feel comfortable.

Also ds is starting assessments for adhd so his behaviour can be very challenging and I think this sometimes disturbs his sleep. They are fine looking after him for a couple of hours during the day. That's part of his weekly routine and that's OK but he can go totally off the wall in a different environment. Over half term, we attempted one night away in a hotel. Ds was so fast and going crazy with excitement and DH ended up in his bed to calm him down. What worries me is mil can be a bit hard at times and I'm not sure if she'd comfort him like we would.

OP posts:

humptydumptysatonawall · 06/06/2022 00:01

I'm all for leeway with GP's, but if she gets her way this time she'll know exactly what to do when there's another decision she doesn't like. Its okay for her to ask and be disappointed by your answer, however it's not fair that she's trying to force you in to it by other means.

If she doesn't want to provide childcare, then find somewhere else without discussion because it's clearly not what she wants really, it's just out of spite! Do you think she'll still be expecting your DC on her morning next week?

Original poster

UpInSpace11 · 06/06/2022 00:03

This isn't the first time she's been pushy. She once said they were going to get a bike baby seat for ds who was a year at the time. DH and I both said no as we're not keen because of safety (just our personal opinions). I explained our reasons to mil which she obviously didn't agree with and she called me a drip.

She later apologise for that one though.

OP posts:

saraclara · 06/06/2022 00:05

To be fair, nightime babysitting is much easier for GPs if the child comes to them. They don't have to travel (and travel back home late at night) and they're in the comfort of their own home. And it seems they don't live that near to you.

So her 'demand' might not be about wanting your child to stay overnight for the sake of it, but just that travelling to you to babysit at night is becoming a bit of a pain. Not so much an ultimatum as 'it doesn't work for us babysitting this way, but would be fine if he comes to us'

worraliberty · 06/06/2022 00:08

What worries me is mil can be a bit hard at times and I'm not sure if she'd comfort him like we would.

I'm not sure I'd be happy with her babysitting every week then.

But I get it, there's something about wanting to know your child is happy away from you at night and right now, it doesn't seem like he's ready.

Perhaps tell her you'll review it in a few months or wait until he's asking to stay there?

MintJulia · 06/06/2022 00:11

Your child, your rules. As for her 'bargaining' I'd find external childcare that comes without conditions. You absolutely don't have to be like her. Her views and wants are irrelevant in this instance.

Original poster

UpInSpace11 · 06/06/2022 00:11

I was fully prepared that people on here would say, well I let my child stay at grandparents at 6 months and that was fine. But surely, not everyone feels the same?
And as the parents, DH and I have to feel OK about it too. Someone else saying a 3.5 'should' stay over - why is it a 'should'?

OP posts:

lisavanderpumpscloset · 06/06/2022 00:12

Not everyone does feel the same. I'm with you, I need to feel ok with it. So go with your gut and do what YOU and your DH feel is best. Nothing else matters

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 06/06/2022 00:14

YANBU - your child - your decision
do not let MIL dictate or manipulate you- my MIL is the same and if I give her an inch she takes a mile. She really bossed me about with DS1 and I was not comfortable with a lot of things I ended up agreeing to.

My second baby is 11 weeks and she has been pressuring me to have him at hers without me! He's EBF and I'm not ready and she has been making all kinds of snide comments and talking about me to DH.

I would consider cutting the childcare too if she keeps pushing and have a more casual arrangement. We decided to stop regular childcare with my MIL because she kept using it against me and I hadn't wanted him with her in the first place!!

Original poster

UpInSpace11 · 06/06/2022 00:15

worraliberty · 06/06/2022 00:08

What worries me is mil can be a bit hard at times and I'm not sure if she'd comfort him like we would.

I'm not sure I'd be happy with her babysitting every week then.

But I get it, there's something about wanting to know your child is happy away from you at night and right now, it doesn't seem like he's ready.

Perhaps tell her you'll review it in a few months or wait until he's asking to stay there?

That's exactly what I thought. I remember when I stayed at my grandparents house the first time and it's because I asked to stay there. I'm sure ds will ask to stay at some point when he's a little older. Like you say, maybe in a few months we'll review it.

OP posts:

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