Mother in law being pushy

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Whilst at my in laws today, my mil started talking about our 3.5 year old ds staying over at their house soon. I explained that I would prefer he didn't just yet as I think he's a bit young and said that I'd worry about him. His sleep isn't always great and he can get quite disturbed with dreams and wants mummy/daddy in the night. I said that he hasn't even slept at my parents yet and they're only a mile up the road. My mil got really pushy and said that they wouldn't babysit unless ds can sleep at theirs. I thought this was a bit ott. They don't babysit that often but equally, they look after him one morning a week whilst we're at work and they take him on outings every so often. So they do see him enough.

I'm happy for ds to stay at grandparent's houses in the future when he's a little bit older or just a bit more settled with night time, etc.

She then looked at my DH and said that she couldn't wait to get rid of him when he was little. But I'm just not like that. Do I have to be the same as her?!

I'm really not being ungrateful for the offer of a sleepover for ds but I feel like I should be allowed to feel OK about it. AIBU?

A fall out or otherwise is the MiL's choice. No one else's. This is about the best interests of a young child; interests which his mother is taking into account (and has pointed out valid reasons why) and his granny apparently isn't.

This is OP's and her DP's judgement call as parents, no one else's. It's for them to decide when the time is right to consider sleepovers, and MiL's current attitude would do nothing to convince me that this would be best for my child at the present time. Nor do people tend to take kindly to being coerced.

It's interesting just how many stories there are lately, on SM, MSM, and scenarios occurring in everyday life, where someone answers 'no' to a demand made by others and those others hear something entirely different.

No means no. There are a great many people who need to learn to accept this.

Watch out she doesn't try to get him to ask... my mil got my son to ask and so we let him and when I collected the next day he told me he cried for me but they didn't call me. I was so angry! She told me he needs to get used to it! He is 4 now and occasionally stays over when he wants to but I'm still not overly comfortable as she is so manipulative and I don't trust her to call me if he is upset!!

Just because some people feel the need to have a break from their children why do they assume all do. I don't need a break from my kids, neither does my partner. They are young for a short period of time and once that's over we will have years to ourselves. Your mother in law is entitled to remover her childminding at any point, to be honest if she's using that as a threat I wouldn't want to rely on her anyway and I'd make alternative arrangements. Don't ever be bullied into doing things you don't feel happy with. You know your child, if you feel you want to wait then do. Mine never slept over before 4 and even at 9 have slept out no more than 10 times. They still have a great relationship with grandparents. This need to have other people's children in your house overnight is just weird.

Um mil is the one with all the power here. She baby sits once a week so her ds and Dil can save money and go to work. Why are you advising that the op cuts off her nose to spite her face? To prove she can't be manipulated? Bollocks to that. The way to not be manipulated is to be confident in your decision. Not to flounce and cost yourself a fortune now and for years to come.

Except that OP has clarified to say that babysitting = evenings so that she and her DH can go out.

In general daytime childcare is called just that - childcare, whether professional or by GOs. Babysitting, to me, has always meant evening/night.

But both kinds of looking after the DGCs is much easier in the GP's home, so that they can potter about/get stuff done/sit on their own sofa, and not have to travel. MIL might have expressed it badly, but it's this element that's probably behind her suggesting the DGS sleep over.

In general daytime childcare is called just that - childcare, whether professional or by GOs. Babysitting, to me, has always meant evening/night.
This must be one of those weird Mumsnet definitions that nobody uses in the real world.

You could ask him if he wants to stay over without you. A night's disturbed sleep wouldn't be damaging, though it might take a few days to get back into the home routine after.

Like several other posters, I think it would probably be beneficial for your DC if you loosened up a bit. But I don't think that's the issue here. If my MiL, or any member of my family, tried to blackmail me into doing something with my DC that I wasn't comfortable with I would be shutting that down fast. That's an irresponsible thing to do to parents and indicates an entitlement and manipulative approach I would not want to encourage in any way.

I'd just say "We're not going to be blackmailed by you, PiL. You don't have to babysit, and we can find someone else for the weekday morning if you want to pile on the pressure. If you really think we would rush something with DS that we're not yet comfortable with in order to get a few hours of free babysitting you have no idea of how much we love him."

Don't let her if you don't feel comfortable. I also find it weird she's desperate to have him overnight.

Thing is maybe it's easier for them to babysit if he stays over. So I'd just not ask them to babysit.

I'd just say "We're not going to be blackmailed by you, PiL. You don't have to babysit, and we can find someone else for the weekday morning if you want to pile on the pressure. If you really think we would rush something with DS that we're not yet comfortable with in order to get a few hours of free babysitting you have no idea of how much we love him."

I would say something more like "ok I understand, we won't ask you to babysit until we're all ready for him to sleep over, thank you for all the baby sitting you've done so far, he's really enjoyed it".

it’s the refusing to take no for an answer that would annoy me.

fair enough to ask, but to start on the blackmail and calling names because you don’t want to- i don’t get why some GP’s are so obsessed with o/n stays.

mine just weren’t comfortable staying overnight when they were tiny. Mil would constantly tell them about when they came to stay, and the bedroom they’d sleep in, and how much her other grandchildren loved to stay (they had no say in it 😂)

i hated staying with people as a child. My mum swears I loved it but different rules, strange food etc always used to freak me out.

They don't babysit that often but equally, they look after him one morning a week whilst we're at work

That's a lot of babysitting but I'd be taking her at her word and making alternative arrangements.

Why are you leaving your child in the care of someone who is hard on him. Put your hand in your pocket and pay for proper childcare if this is the case.

I think ds did his first sleepover at dparents when he was 4. Until then I didn’t want him to do it. They have the dc one day a week but for me night times were different. Nothing to do with them not being able to cope. It was all about me not wanting to be away from them overnight.

ds stayed over on a random Friday. DH and I and dd stayed home. I didn’t want to go out or anything. Just in case.

dparents recently had both dc (ds 4 and dd2.5) while DH and I went to a wedding. The dc came with us then dparents picked them up from the venue and had a sleepover.

if you’re not happy with it yet then you’re not happy with it. So leave it. And maybe when he’s older you will be.

Do what is best for you and him and don’t feel guilty!
My mum and MIL have never looked after my 3.5 year old at all. Only my sister has over night about 4 times because he’s close to her and enjoys it. I would trust my mum but my son has never done it and she hasn’t offered! She would stay here and babysit if we went out but only for the evening not over night. As for my MIL, she’s too clumsy and falls over her own feet so NO WAY!!

If you won’t relax, there’s no benefit for you!

wait until he's asking to stay there?

I wouldn't tell her that because she'll start on your DS, "you want to.come and stay at grandma's don't you" and so on

YANBU to not want him to stay over. It's your choice as a parent

However

YABU to expect evening babysitting if they've made it clear that they would rather have him at theirs. As previous posters have said many people prefer to do evenings at their own home to be on their own sofas and avoiding late evening travel.

If you don't want your DS to stay there suggest you pay for a babysitter to cover evenings our for you and DH.

FWIW though it feels a bit precious if you being like this given your child is now 3.5, and a shame for your child who would most likely love the novelty of it

Not unreasonable at all. My 5 year old has never slept anywhere but with us yet his sister did from being about 3.5. Each child is different and you know yours best. MIL sounds like a nightmare. Stand your ground.

Don’t let her blackmail you.

my kids never slept out until they asked, they were around 7/8 when that happened. Otherwise they’re just being forced surely? Wasn’t okay with me and it’s perfectly okay for it not to be okay with you too!

but out in the real world where most of us have fairly normal relationships with extended family we realise that our kids do not 'belong' exclusively to the mother. Perhaps your partner would like his mother to have his child for the night. Perhaps your mother would like that special opportunity to bond over sleeping at granny's.

Sleep overs with GP are completely normal. All mine had had at least one by six months .
This is all so breathtakingly rude, narrow-minded and mean-spirited. You can have “normal” relationships with extended family without sleepovers. It can be just as normal not to sleepover at grandparents as not: what about EBF babies, how are they sleeping over at six months? Kids that simply don’t sleep? Family that don’t live in the same area? Or older grandparents: my 75yo single father certainly doesn’t want to deal with a wakeful baby or my 3.5yo overnight, but they have a normal, loving, bonded relationship.

There’s no “real world normal”: you’ve seemingly decided your way is the de facto correct way and everyone who does it differently is a Mumsnet figment, but the OP is a real, normal person who just isn’t ready for her kid to stay over somewhere. Also very normal.

My mil got really pushy and said that they wouldn't babysit unless ds can sleep at theirs.

Awful behaviour. I would just say that’s a shame but we understand. I’ll give nursery a call and put him in for the full day instead of him coming to you.

I trust my dm and mil completely with the kids and they have a wonderful relationship but I didn’t feel the need to palm them off on them overnight at only 6 months old. And funnily enough they weren’t so desperate for an overnight stay that they tried to blackmail me into allowing it. Your normal is exactly that - your normal. It isn’t mine.

She's proven herself controlling and unsuitable for sole childcare, hasn't she?

What my mil meant by babysitting was if DH and I go out in the evening which is only very occasionally.

how far are they from you? Are you coming home late? And then they have to travel home. My mum was a bit funny about this and preferred to care for them at her house because of the added time it took her to get home.

Mine certainly never did at that age. I was still breastfeeding at night then anyway, so not even an option. I have never had a single overnight with my grandparents in my life.

There isn't a wrong or right here. It sounds like both you and DH don't want the overnights so say no until you are comfortable.