Mother in law being pushy

[UpInSpace11]

Whilst at my in laws today, my mil started talking about our 3.5 year old ds staying over at their house soon. I explained that I would prefer he didn't just yet as I think he's a bit young and said that I'd worry about him. His sleep isn't always great and he can get quite disturbed with dreams and wants mummy/daddy in the night. I said that he hasn't even slept at my parents yet and they're only a mile up the road. My mil got really pushy and said that they wouldn't babysit unless ds can sleep at theirs. I thought this was a bit ott. They don't babysit that often but equally, they look after him one morning a week whilst we're at work and they take him on outings every so often. So they do see him enough.

I'm happy for ds to stay at grandparent's houses in the future when he's a little bit older or just a bit more settled with night time, etc.

She then looked at my DH and said that she couldn't wait to get rid of him when he was little. But I'm just not like that. Do I have to be the same as her?!

I'm really not being ungrateful for the offer of a sleepover for ds but I feel like I should be allowed to feel OK about it. AIBU?

As much as I don't think OP is unreasonable, I really don't like that so many posters are suggesting OP says she will end the babysitting.

I totally get that her MIL has attempted to manipulate them by saying no more babysitting, but I think we all know she doesn't really mean it. Suggesting OP threatens to stop them having her DS seems a bit hypocritical because it is clearly manipulative too. The implication is - we will stop access to DS unless you start to toe the line.

I always think this is so cruel. MIL is being naughty by trying to manipulate the situation but of course she isn't really going to refuse to babysit - OP doesn't need to make counter-threats. She can just say ' I understand you are keen to have him but I'm not ready yet'. And repeat.

I hate the veiled threat that parents hold all the power over grandparents because ultimately they can just stop access to grandchildren if they want to. We all know that's true - it's not fair to actually threaten it if a grandparent is seen to step out of line.

Dd is nearly 8 and has never stayed alone at PILs. Their other grandchildren do regulalry. Im married to the son so i guess it makes a difference.

Dd has stayed a few times at my parents. The difference is she has her own room there and is used to sleeping on it from birth. We live 10 mins from in laws but 4 hrs from my parents. Dh and i agree we love having DD home. MIL tried to insist when DD was 3 but i shut her down (she accused me of poisoning DD when she was 10 days old amogst other things so i keep a firm boundary).

Staying over at inlaws is not a right.

This is what the dgm has said, not op. The ‘threats’ are coming from her. In my opinion holding babysitting over op is unreasonable and op is only making other arrangements as requested.

Also very interesting that the mil is being ‘naughty’ while the op would be ‘cruel’ to do the same.

The mil is being utterly horrid knowing that they likely rely on her for support. It’s not about withdrawing contact, I’m sure they will still visit and spend time with her but I would not be comfortable depending on anyone who could behave like that to get their own way.

She sounds toxic, I'd be reluctant to hand my kid over to her at all

OP @UpInSpace11 could you clarify what element of babysitting that your MIL is refusing to do without overnights

I had read it just as evenings rather than the daytime element?

I don't understand the sleepover thing with young children. I'm 50 and I never slept over with a family members. We did have my cousin to stay for a few days in the summer holidays after she reached 10+ years but that's because she was more similar in age to me and my 2 sisters, than her own siblings (5 year gap in their family, in which we were all born) and we would 'play' in a different way.

I have had my parents overnight care for my children when they were toddlers - I was taking an OU degree and there was an optional residential weekend revision course run by the tutors - this happened on 3 courses. But apart from that I see no reason to have a 'night off' from being a parent - certainly not because someone else wants to play happy families with my DDs. Now they are older I'm happy to let them sleepover and go on residential trips etc, so it's not PFB. But in general I like my DC and want them at home with me as part of our family life.

Your MIL should not be putting pressure on you at all. She's pushing your boundaries. When a 3.5yo pushes boundaries it's to learn about the world and how they fit. When an adult does it they're being an abusive twat. That alone would make me set my own boundaries - and all childcare would be off.

I'd not be bullied into allowing my child to sleep there. You're not comfortable with it and you'd spend the night being an anxious mess- therefore it's not happening.
Tbh I'd not be comfortable at all leaving him with them after the crazy suggestion of the bike seat (but probably that's just me).