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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from marriage

58 replies

Toomanylosthours · 05/06/2022 22:07

Husband and I have been married for a couple of years. for the past 6 to 9 months I've continuously asked him for support with chores. There's no young children. I work average of 3 hours a day more.
Marriage to me was about becoming a team. Helping, supporting each other. Not taking the other person for granted. The only thing he does chore wise is mow the lawn and walk dogs 50% of the time. Do I continue to put up with feeling like a maid or do I just cut free? I can afford the house and bills on my own! I'm not financially reliant on him. I hear so many stories about women who just give up and continue to do everything whist their husbands become lazier and put in even less effort as the years go on

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 05/06/2022 22:09

So you do all the housework? And the cooking? How did that happen?

Redouble · 05/06/2022 22:09

What was he like before you married him?

Have you sat down and spoken with him about how you feel?

Sumtimesiamgreen · 05/06/2022 22:10

Down time should be equal. Grunge work should be equal. YANBU to be treated as an equal.

DogsAndGin · 05/06/2022 22:11

Did you know he was like this before you got married? Getting married doesn’t magically make you a ‘team’ if you weren’t one before

StripeyDeckchair · 05/06/2022 22:11

Do not become one of those women who does all the work - if you ever have children he will continue to expect you to do everything.
If you are working g 3 hrs/day more than him there is a huge imbalance here.

I'd start by still down and having a discussion . Say what you've said here and how it's a potential deaL beaker for you.

Hugasauras · 05/06/2022 22:11

Did he do any of that stuff before marriage? If he was useless before, he'll be useless after, nothing to do with being married or not.

RandomMess · 05/06/2022 22:14

You should have equal leisure time.

Ask if he thinks you should and if so how to achieve that.

InChocolateWeTrust · 05/06/2022 22:14

Have you tried stopping?

DH was a bit lazy like this. So I stopped. Just didn't cook him anything, or wash his clothes.

Now 7 years on he cooks (still less than me but due to working pattern really), probably does more laundry than me etc.

Don't nag. Don't do. I think a lot of people just slightly glaze over when nagged and the message doesn't sink in as effectively as no clean shirts on monday morning.

Original poster
Toomanylosthours · 05/06/2022 22:14

Yes I do 99% of the cooking, food shopping and most household chores.

Weve spoken in length about it on multiple occasions, we agreed chores to do, he lasts about 4 days and gives up. Today I've actually taken to doing my own washing and leaving his. I feel like I'm being immature but I'm fed up with feeling like unpaid help.

Prior to marriage he did his fair share of chores. It seems to have gradually worsened since time has passed.

I'm literally out of ideas apart from having to ask him every day to do XYZ and treating him like a child which not prepared for do.

OP posts:
InChocolateWeTrust · 05/06/2022 22:16

Prior to marriage he did his fair share of chores. It seems to have gradually worsened since time has passed.

It's because if he doesnt do it you do. Stop doing it.

Honestly I think some people, men more than women, actions speak louder than words.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 05/06/2022 22:18

Just don’t do his share.

OwlinaTree · 05/06/2022 22:19

What would happen if you said 'from now on we'll cook every other day, your turn tomorrow, I'll wash up. Then we'll swap'

When he stops doing the chores he's agreed to, what do you do? Do you just start doing them?

How realistic are you about how often stuff needs doing? Are you a hoover every day, mop the floor every day type? Cos I wouldn't be doing half of that tbh. Once a week is enough!

Original poster
Toomanylosthours · 05/06/2022 22:20

InChocolateWeTrust · 05/06/2022 22:16

Prior to marriage he did his fair share of chores. It seems to have gradually worsened since time has passed.

It's because if he doesnt do it you do. Stop doing it.

Honestly I think some people, men more than women, actions speak louder than words.

Thats basically the decision I've made today. Didn't make him coffee this morning or dinner tonight. Surprisingly he went without. He does appear to have worked the washing machine and managed to hang *his washing out

But what's the actual point of being in a relationship where we are basically living separate lives.

OP posts:
InChocolateWeTrust · 05/06/2022 22:21

And if he says "oh shit, the washing's not done?", you reply "oh. Did you not get round to it? I did mine yesterday."

"Oh I ate earlier."

"That mark is where you knocked that drink over and didnt wipe it up."

"They sell soap in Tescos, if its run out I guess you'll need to go shopping".

However - cautionary note. Be prepared in case half the problem is you simply having higher standards than him. If you are in fact a mrs hinch type, you can leave the cleaning 3 days and you may find he isn't the least bothered by the house not being immaculate. If that's the case, you probably aren't compatible.

InChocolateWeTrust · 05/06/2022 22:22

But what's the actual point of being in a relationship where we are basically living separate lives.

Give it a month. It takes time for a change to manifest.

Maybe you were making a coffee he isnt fussed about. He's probably not going to make you one if he's not actually bothered about having one himself.

Paq · 05/06/2022 22:23

I'd suggest a trial separation. There's absolutely no point in another ultimatum, he's walked all over them.

Basically his behaviour is a giant "fuck you, my time and happiness is more important than yours". That's not a marriage built on strong foundations.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2022 22:25

If you are working g 3 hrs/day more than him there is a huge imbalance here.

He should be doing MORE, not even equal. And he's not doing that.

I'd have a proper chat and mean it. You will end the relationship if you don't have equal down time. And then do it. No more chances.

Original poster
Toomanylosthours · 05/06/2022 22:25

OwlinaTree · 05/06/2022 22:19

What would happen if you said 'from now on we'll cook every other day, your turn tomorrow, I'll wash up. Then we'll swap'

When he stops doing the chores he's agreed to, what do you do? Do you just start doing them?

How realistic are you about how often stuff needs doing? Are you a hoover every day, mop the floor every day type? Cos I wouldn't be doing half of that tbh. Once a week is enough!

I literally have asked him to empty the dishwasher. Make the bed if he is last out of it, put the washing away that I've ironed, make dinner or lunch every other day and empty the bins and to make a coffee in the morning. I waited 4 hours the other day and ended up making myself a cup of tea at lunch

Last weej there were piles of dishes on the side all day because he hadn't emptied it from the previous day. The bins were overflowing, the ironing was in the hall blocking the front door for 2 days, the bed un made.

I really wish I was asking a lot of him. But u genuinely don't believe I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanylosthours · 05/06/2022 22:27

Paq · 05/06/2022 22:23

I'd suggest a trial separation. There's absolutely no point in another ultimatum, he's walked all over them.

Basically his behaviour is a giant "fuck you, my time and happiness is more important than yours". That's not a marriage built on strong foundations.

That's exactly my feeling hence why I also feel like I'm being taken for granted.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 05/06/2022 22:28

It sounds like he's taking the piss a bit op.

Did his mother do everything when he was growing up? My DH's mum was a Sahp and did all the housework and cooking, it's taken a little while for dh to realise he had to get stuck in and not wait to be told what to do. But he has always done whatever he was asked to.

Fireflygal · 05/06/2022 22:31

How old is he? Is he lazy, what is he doing whilst you're cleaning or cooking?

I definitely think he needs action rather than words. Don't do his stuff, try it for a month. He may wake up to the situation. If not then you know you have tried before separation.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 05/06/2022 22:33

Does he agree with you when you tell him he needs to do more? Or is he just agreeing with you to shut you up?

Stop doing all his stuff. ALL OF IT. Don't iron his clothes. Don't wash his dishes. See what happens in the next couple of weeks. Then take it from there.

Or hire a cleaner to come around everyday and tell him he's paying half

Youseethethingis1 · 05/06/2022 22:35

Stop asking him to do things to support or help you.
He needs to do his share. You don't need his help. You can manage your share of the work perfectly well.
It's not a special favour to you if he washes his own pants or picks up his own shit.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/06/2022 22:38

You're not expecting too much from a relationship. You're expecting far too little to be honest.

Yabu expecting marriage to change someones attitude towards chores for the better