Am I expecting too much from marriage

[Toomanylosthours]

Husband and I have been married for a couple of years. for the past 6 to 9 months I've continuously asked him for support with chores. There's no young children. I work average of 3 hours a day more.
Marriage to me was about becoming a team. Helping, supporting each other. Not taking the other person for granted. The only thing he does chore wise is mow the lawn and walk dogs 50% of the time. Do I continue to put up with feeling like a maid or do I just cut free? I can afford the house and bills on my own! I'm not financially reliant on him. I hear so many stories about women who just give up and continue to do everything whist their husbands become lazier and put in even less effort as the years go on

You have no kids. You can financially manage on your own. He does not contribute to the running on the house. Ask yourself honestly what he does contribute to your life. If you are struggling to answer the question, then it is time for this to end. It will not get any better if you go on to have children.

Last weej there were piles of dishes on the side all day because he hadn't emptied it from the previous day. The bins were overflowing, the ironing was in the hall blocking the front door for 2 days, the bed un made.

Yanbu but I know a huge number of men (and quite a few women) who simply would not do this stuff (and dont care) unless someone else does it. I know loads of adults who rarely make their bed.

I suspect your problem is that some of the things you want him to do (put washing away tidily, make coffees) arent essential and he basically is happy to live with them not done if you don't do it.

(Therefore, you probably aren't compatible, and how you feel will only get worse).

Were you together long before marriage?

I knew someone who couldn't really manage to feed herself. When I would not cool for her she would literally not eat anything. She would forget to eat all the time or exist on takeaways. She was on the spectrum and had a strange relationship to food. She also had a warped idea of how much she contributed to the house and was pretty messy but thought in her head she did her fair share. It was annoying as fuck but it was an autistic thing could this be your husband? Look up PDA. This doesn't mean you have to put up with it though. They can become aware of their behaviour through therapy.

We'd lived together a couple of years before marriage.

I'm wondering if covid lock down has gotten to him, being trapped indoors for so many months has made hin stop caring and now it really impacting us.

A previous poster mentioned expectations maybe different and how making coffee or putting washing away may not be important to him. Which is weird as before we moved in together his place was immaculate.

I shall have another conversation this week and see how it goes whilst also making time for myself to gym if I'm not running around doing chores. Actually quiet excited by having some me time.

Thanks all for your support, advice and helpful suggestions

*cook

Honestly, I think you need to give him more to do, OP. Write down all the chores, and go through and assign things together. They need to be things that can't be done without, like cooking, shopping and doing the washing rather than putting away the washing and making coffee. So there are real consequences if he hasn't done his parts. That said, DPs job is hoovering and I once lived with an unhoovered flat for several months on the way to him doing it regularly. You have to really commit, but otherwise you'll leave, so committing to not fixing his failures is really working to save your marriage.

Also, stop asking him to "support". It is not your job that he helps with. If anything it's the other way around given your work situations.

For people saying just leave the housework undone, and he will have to do it. Well that just doesn't work. I lived with someone like this and the house disintegrated into filth and chaos. He just left everything except his own washing and cooking which he had no option to do.

Just don't get pregnant, or you will be trapped. Bin him now.

It's strange that he was previously tidy and clean and now can't be bothered.

Just doing the work yourself is not the solution.

While you don't want to manage him, you do have to have clear allocation of responsibilities. Draw up a schedule of everything that needs doing, with a person unambiguously responsible for each task. Then tell him you are logging his performance against the schedule, and when he's fallen short by a predetermined amount, you will be divorcing him. (If you can't arrive at a schedule he agrees with, you can divorce immediately.)

I don't mean to suggest you are the boss of him. He can of course measure your performance against your part of the agreed schedule as well. And the process of agreeing the schedule might solve the problem, in the sense that it might just prove you're not compatible.

If he was tidy before, but isn't now, then he sees it as your job, as the woman.

This would really turn me off him.

Tell him it's not your responsibility to do all the chores, and just stop doing them for him.

Actions definitely speak louder than words.

This would annoy me too. Especially if he did his fair share before marriage.

DH and I, before we moved in together, wrote a list of all the chores that need doing to run the house. Then we divided them up based on what we liked to do / what we were better at doing.

We review this when there is a big life change like us having children or me becoming a SAHP. Things have evolved and we've had times when we've outsourced or one has done more than the other, but we feel it's always been fair.

Once we decide though, the other doesn't do their chores. We agreed how often jobs needed doing and then it's up to each of us how and when we do things.

We also have 'rules' to help the other. So we tidy up after ourselves, we have to give 3 full days notice if a particular item of clothing needs to be washed for something, that sort of thing.

You need to talk to him and keep on with this stuff. If you don't it will only get worse when you have kids.

Do not consider having kids with this man until this is resolved.

It's very disrespectful of him. Honestly, it's all well and fine saying maybe he doesn't care as much / maybe your standards are too high, but a pile of ironing left in front of a door for days is simply ridiculous. As is not doing dishes. My 8 year old knows dishes need doing daily.

How many hours more than you does DH work ? I see no reason as to why you shouldn’t use those hours to maintain the house/garden, and everything else split 50:50.

@KangarooKenny its the OP that works more! She says she works on average 3 hours a day more!

Sorry, need to put my glasses on !
Oh, in that case LTB.

In my experience, this just gets worse. He is taking you for granted and as hard as it is now, it will become insurmountable if you have children. We used to have battles about the washing up, now I do everything... Because I wanted my child to live in a clean environment.... Think very carefully if you can handle the resentment that builds over the years.
You've told him and he's chosen not to listen, you will end up with separate lives.

The only thing that surprises me is that you lived together before marriage and he was okay about doing his share of the chores.... it's weird that things have deteriorated so much. What has changed?

But you are not being unreasonable to consider this completely and totally unacceptable. Just imagine how much worse it would be if you then went on to have DC together?

One thing that I say on these threads a lot - if you have together agreed on a split of chores, it is not "nagging" if you complain when he doesn't do his agreed chores. Nagging is just a word used by men to make it so that women can't complain when they don't step up.

I would suggest that if you do split chores, split them completely. Eg you do all cooking but he does all washing. That way, there's never any dispute about whose responsibility it is. And when you don't have any clean clothes, again, it's not nagging if you're annoyed. It's legitimate frustrating that the person who is supposed to be your partner is letting you down, again.

"when I first met you your house was immaculate, you took pride in yourself and home and I found that really attractive and I felt we were compatible. In the last 9 months you have let our home go, you seem to have stopped caring is there a reason why?
Unless you are prepared to do 50% of the housework and washing and continue to do so and take some pride and make some effort, then I think I would rather live elsewhere. I can't live like this and we are not longer compatible in the way we were'

Then watch and wait.
What happens after will give you the answer. If it is nothing, then he is no longer investing in the marriage, and somewhere along the line decided marriage for him meant having to do nothing and he is able to put his feet up.

You are paying to be his maid op.

Your standards will go up too, as you get older.

Read all the posts on here with women, working ft, looking after kids, cleaning...only thing missing is the hobby or the other woman.

Cut your losses. Sunk costs fallacy.

Sounds like he COULD be depressed, as he has changed so much. Whatever the reason, stop giving him jobs OP, or asking him to do them. That makes you in charge of domestic stuff, which has been happy for you to take on. Treat him like an equal partner re. household stuff. You are not the boss, he has to take responsibility, so decide between you who does what and how often.

Which is weird as before we moved in together his place was immaculate

yeah, that's telling.
Does he see housework as the role of a "wife" and now you are married all that work falls to you?

@Triffid1

it's weird that things have deteriorated so much. What has changed?

He thinks he has her "locked in" to their relationship and he can now relax and behave how he wants to. 🌹

I believe he maybe suffering from some form of depression. just wants to sleep, has also become withdrawn. I'm a big believer in marrying once. There's no intention to have children. We just need to work out if this is marriage had what it takes to last or if I take the easy route out and walk

Why does he work three hours a day less than you? That would really annoy me and I would expect him either to be bringing home the bacon or dealing with at least 80% of the house stuff.

My DH was clear from the outset that he did not do housework, cook or iron. No problem. He paid the cleaner and I love cooking. 30 plus years on he does not iron; he does not cook. But he brings me a cup of tea every morning, makes the bed (pernickety), is meticulously tidy, does the bins, sweeps the kitchen where I can't see dust, and does the dishwasher 2/3 times a week. Oh and is a workaholic.

At DS's christening his mother made a snarky comment about me not needing a cleaner whilst on maternity leave. My mother spat back "oh Joan, did you bring your girls up to clean?".