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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Girl in boyish clothes = YES, boy in clothes that are even the tiniest bit feminine = NO!

104 replies

GrahameSylvia · 05/06/2022 19:37

Does anyone else think its a bit unreasonable that when dressing young kids (babies, toddlers, and perhaps also a bit older), a lot of people now seem to think that dressing girls in slightly more boyish clothes (blue, dinosaur print, stuff with 'strong girl' etc printed on it) is great, progressive, cool etc. But that if you put your baby or toddler boy in one item that is even the slightest bit feminine, even when paired with other boy-ish stuff (I'm talking blue dungarees with a tiger on them and a vest that has gone a tiny bit peach colored in the wash) people instantly assume they are a girl and / or are made quite uncomfortable and ask why your kid is dressed as a girl??

I'd say we dress our one year old somewhere between 'standard boy' and what we think of as neutral - not that this should matter. There is plenty of blue, brown green in his wardrobe, though also some yellow, brighter prints and the occasional bit of dark purple or fawn. But anytime he has the slightly 'girlier' things on everyone calls him she. We've also had a couple of instances of relatives (not always older ones) being uncomfortable or mocking him / us when he's been dressed in supposedly 'girly' things e.g. a red cardigan, a bonnet with earflaps instead of a beanie, dungarees printed with sweetcorns.

Since then I've started to look round and noticed that even in our relatively progressive, affluent bit of the world some girls are dressed very femininely, but plenty are dressed in stuff that is boyish or neutral and everyone still assumes they are girls. But every boy is wearing camouflage, sludge colours and vehicle prints. The same extends to toys, plenty of girl toddlers being encouraged to play with lego and cars and get muddy, but parents at our local affluent play cafe actively discouraging boys from picking up dolls or dollhouses - despite the fact that most of these girls will grow up to own cars and drive and the boys will own houses and have babies.

So why do all these progressive folks feel it is okay and positive for girls to be 'boyish' but still seem to be (consciously or unconsciously) very against their little boys being the slightest bit feminine?

Has anyone else seen the same / seen different / think its unreasonable to condition little boys to be against anything 'soft', 'feminine' or 'caring'? Doesn't feminism / progress cut both ways?

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 05/06/2022 19:41

Yes it's complete horse shit and my son has several pink things. I literally do not give a hoot what anyone thinks because it's all absolute nonsense.

HotPenguin · 05/06/2022 19:45

Yes but it's because of misogyny - the female role is seen as "lesser" so boys are discouraged from doing "feminine" activities. Many of the traditional feminine roles (childcare, housekeeping etc) are poorly paid whereas traditional male jobs (computer programmer, physicist, builder) are well paid so there is a sort of logic to it - but at the end of the day we need all roles so ought to value all of them.

bridgetreilly · 05/06/2022 19:48

Hello, and welcome to our sexist world. The answer to your question is because boy is better. Girls can be a bit boyish because that’s better, but boys shouldn’t be girly because that’s worse. See also baby names: it’s cool to call a girl Jack or James, but horrific to call you boy Jane or Jemima.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 05/06/2022 19:48

What is your point? You have not said anything that is not common knowledge?

TheSmallAssassin · 05/06/2022 19:48

It is ridiculous, I would just feign ignorance. "Eh? What do you mean? Why does that make it for girls?" or "Here come the gender police again" or just matter of factly put them straight. I always told my kids "There's no such thing as boys' colours/toys or girls' colours/toys", maybe some adults need telling too.

I honestly think it has got worse since my kids were little and the youngest is only 17!

PonyPatter44 · 05/06/2022 19:50

Stereotypes are horsepoo. Challenge them whenever possible, and robustly oppose the ignorant idea that pink/frilly = girls, and blue/ diggers = boys. Its just so weird and regressive.

Basketet · 05/06/2022 19:50

YANBU at all.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 05/06/2022 19:51

Yeah you’re right. Encouraging girls to be more ‘masculine’ while being uncomfortable if boys wear/do anything ‘feminine’ isn’t really progress at all, it’s entrenched sexism because masculine = superior and feminine = inferior.

Thatswhyimacat · 05/06/2022 19:53

Because male is the default in our world, right down to the words for male and female. So neutral defaults to male. See also: women should be in leadership positions but to do so, they should act more like men, rather than male leaders taking on any positive stereotypical female traits.

Sirzy · 05/06/2022 19:54

Ds has regularly worn pink since he was a newborn. He is now 13 and never had anything close to a negative comment or an assumption he is a girl.

itsgettingweird · 05/06/2022 19:58

bridgetreilly · 05/06/2022 19:48

Hello, and welcome to our sexist world. The answer to your question is because boy is better. Girls can be a bit boyish because that’s better, but boys shouldn’t be girly because that’s worse. See also baby names: it’s cool to call a girl Jack or James, but horrific to call you boy Jane or Jemima.

That's actually a really good point.

However I've noticed as kids get older and are at the age they can choose their own stuff people mind less.

My ds is 17 now and his favourite colour is purple. No one batters an eyelid at his purple t shirts, purple bag, purple swim kit etc.

FruitToast · 05/06/2022 20:01

This is very true. MIL is very confused as to why DS(4) has trousers with rainbow stripes and has a pink swim vest. She assumed they must have been elder DDs that we passed down but he currently likes rainbows and pink so that's what he chose in the shop. While we're on the topic why does DD have to behave perfectly but if DS is being a nightmare it's ok because he's just being a 'cheeky little boy'? Actually at that point he's normally being a little s**t and he needs a good telling off not being told it's ok!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 05/06/2022 20:01

My DD as a baby/toddler was regularly mistaken for a boy. It was the hair... she had very little.

People look for subtle clues in clothing, as many babies/toddlers are pretty androgynous.

However you aren't wrong that "boy" stuff is seen as superior to "girly" stuff.

SBAM · 05/06/2022 20:03

It’s because in a misogynistic society feminine=lesser. So girls being ‘boyish’ is trading up, but boys being ‘girly’ is demeaning.

you might enjoy sonshinemagazine.com

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/06/2022 20:03

I’d say it’s the exact opposite where I live- I always think people say progressive to dress boys like girls but the little girls in the playgrounds are always in the most impractical dresses/ white tights etc.

Pumperthepumper · 05/06/2022 20:05

It’s misogyny.

fucketyfuckwit · 05/06/2022 20:10

Yet another way to erase women! Let's not allow little girls to wear feminine clothes and also don't let boys wear them either.

Neutral my arse!!

girlmom21 · 05/06/2022 20:11

People call my baby girl 'he' when she's wearing pink dresses. Don't worry about it.

Penguintears · 05/06/2022 20:16

Inevitable result of gender ideology which relies on regressive stereotypes. It encourages misogyny.

Chickadeeandchic · 05/06/2022 20:19

My DD was often mistaken for a boy because she didn't have much hair, even on the rare occasions she was in pink.

My brother and DH both had longer curly hair when they were her age, both dressed in exclusively dinosaur prints and both commonly mistaken for girls...so I do think hair is a big part of it when they are little.

At our toddler classes I'd say there's a mix. Some parents are still very old school with girls in dresses and frilly socks no matter the weather, but most boys and girls seem to wear a mix. They all play with the same toys/dress up as spiderman and elsa, and there's a good number of dad's/grandads who bring their little ones.

roarfeckingroarr · 05/06/2022 20:21

My boy wears a fair bit of pink. I'm regularly complemented on my beautiful daughter 😁

User0ne · 05/06/2022 20:29

I get where you're coming from. Personally I just ignore it (and sometimes have a laugh at others expense).

My older 2 DS both had long blond hair for a while (their choice) and I was forever being told what beautiful girls I had. If the boys looked put out I'd correct the person but mostly I just said "thank you" and carried on

I do remember being in the queue at the supermarket, feeling like sh1t, and the old lady behind me commenting loudly to her friend how strange/silly I was for dressing my beautiful girls in blue (they'd picked their clothes as well as their hair). I couldn't be bothered to correct her- it said more about them than me.

Both boys now have shorter hair (dad cut his and they copied), they still love rainbows and unicorns. I still have to re-affirm things like "yes they want the rainbow unicorn crepe, not the dinosaur one". Hopefully it'll be easier for their kids 🤷

NeedMoMoney · 05/06/2022 20:32

I need to know where you got the dungarees with sweetcorn on! It sounds adorable!! 😍

maybein2022 · 05/06/2022 20:36

I really like the flow chart I saw once about ‘boys’ toys and ‘girls’ toys. Explains it perfectly.

Re clothes- it’s ridiculous, just dress them in what you want. My husband wears pink shirts for work a fair amount! Who cares?

Girl in boyish clothes = YES, boy in clothes that are even the tiniest bit feminine = NO!
Barrawarra · 05/06/2022 20:38

Is it an issue if someone thinks your boy is a girl? But agree stereotyping is alive and kicking.