I FUCKING HATE MYSELF

[Tourettes123]

Yes I am aware I only ranted yesterday.

but aibu to hate myself?

I have severe tourettes and I screamed the nword (multiple times) at a black person today.

FUCK

I fucking hate tourettes and myself. They started crying, even when I was trying to explain, with various expletives ticced among my explaining.

I’m just a crazy nut bag, clearly. Why the fuck does this always happen to me.

i fucking hate myself,

I always upset people, I don’t mean to but it always fucking happens.

Wouldn't the replies already give you an indication here and prompt you to Google?

🙄 seriously, totally missed the point!

You do have it wrong. Maybe go and spend 30 seconds researching it.

I get you have it but after the first time you said it you should have removed yourself from the situation rather then scream at her. I’m worried one day someone will assault you as most people don’t understand someone screaming at them. I certainly wouldn’t and till you explained I’d probably go mad at you.

That must be so hard. Don't punish yourself it is not your fault. My son has tics he does random jerking movements but the only vocal tic he had was saying a cartoon characters name. It must be so hard to manage when other phrases come out. His doctor said it can fluctuate due to hormones as it started when he was young then went and it came back during puberty. No idea why I'm saying this, I'm sure your hormones are fine. I hope you're OK x

Fuck me 🙈

You may hate yourself OP but there's an awful lot of love on this thread for you.

even if the person was upset at the time it might have just been overwhelming for them in the moment and it might be linked to a very personal memory,

How could having the n-word screamed at you not be overwhelming? Do you mean they might only be upset as it's linked to a personal memory for them? What?

To be fair, I don’t think there was any need for OP to tell us the exact offensive slur that she ‘screamed multiple times’. Could have just wrote that they said something very offensive.

My understanding is that those with Tourettes say the worst thing that comes into their heads and they badly desperately don't want to say it. I have OCD with tics so can relate a little, though my tic is freezing in front of cars. It must be so distressing to have what op has.

Maybe Google it now and educate yourself

Agree. I wouldn't assault anyone but I wouldn't hang around for a card either if someone screamed abuse at me. I have to deal with it often enough as a disabled person in a wheelchair.

It sounds like you have had enough of the condition in general and although this incident was awful, I imagine you have been feeling like this for a long time. Do you have a therapist or other health professional you can go back to and discuss how you feel? I would suggest therapy for your own MH and the impact tourettes is having on you as this is a separate but related issue.
I am a POC and would not have cried tbh, even if with my kids I would have quickly figured out that there were neuro diversity issues, but not everyone educates themselves on things like this sadly.
I hope you can let this incident go and accept you do not have control, you are not responsible for the tics.

I'm mixed race, and I'm sure I would find it upsetting if someone shouted the n word at me.

It used to happen to me regularly in the fifties when I was a child, and I have had to have counselling to try to come to terms with it.

It's all very well to say,' people will understand,' but please spare a thought for the person on the receiving end of it. It's a very disturbing experience.

Yes, and seeing as it's an escalation from the post yesterday I do find it interesting

Have you ever said the n-word to a white person?

Umh...."we know"???? What about the victim?

I have actually.

tbh If someone was shouting racist abuse at me I wouldn’t take a card off them, I think youre more likely to get punched if you are screaming racist abuse at someone I do realise it’s not intentional but I don’t think a lot of people would hang around long enough for an explanation

Thank you for all the supportive messages.

I really appreciate it.

I still feel like shit, and this feeling has been brewing for a long time.

Hence the escalation from yesterdays post. When I'm stressed it just makes it worse.

@MNHQ Maybe you could ask OP to repost without using the very detailed descriptions they have in their posts today and yesterday. The same support could be given to OP without the offensive language.

To the people having a go at the OP, what do you suggest she does?
This is a genuine question.
You have reacted with anger towards the op because of this, completely understandable and I'm sure the same instinctive reaction a great many people at the receiving end of this would have. With this in mind what to you think is the best way for the OP to handle the situation?

No need to hate yourself, but please try to get more help for it, because if you say the n word to the wrong person it could have serious consequences.