To ask why I have no enthusiasm about socialising anymore?

[herewegogoagain]

I’m approaching 50 and recently realised I feel flat about almost everything social wise. This jubilee weekend, for example, I really couldn’t be bothered with the parties going on in the village - I’d rather stay at home. I find conversations with a lot of people quite boring and can no longer muster the enthusiasm to pretend I’m interested. I don’t even want to entertain good friends anymore - I’d rather have a meal out with DH or watch a good film at home. I’m not depressed, just can’t be bothered. How do I snap out of this? What’s wrong with me?

@herewegogoagain so it sounds like this is a 'new' feeling for you, rather than how you've always been?

It could be down to menopause (it's a bastard for so many reasons!) and a bit of pandemic hangover. I'd suggest maybe asking the doc to check your bloods to make sure your HRT is working as it should.

For me, I've realised there are things I will feel socially obligated to do (eg if my best friend has a party I must go) but that other things (someone organising a weekend away somewhere) that I can and will say no to.

I don't want to become a hermit, as I say, but I also realise for some people that's their ideal lifestyle. People should do what makes them feel happy.

Are you doing same old same old things? I've started going to all kinds of random art/music/culture type of stuff, I work a mixture of jobs and volunteering, and I find people watching really fascinating.

I cba with socialising with the same set of people for an endless rotation of BBQs though.

@CrapBucket I think it’s socialising in general but I was thinking that maybe I need to do new things or start a new hobby to try to ignite a bit of enthusiasm for something.

I volunteer at a heritage site, and honestly it is the highlight of my life these days. Conversations about history, architecture and books, all of which I enjoy..Not the same old same old about DC. After over 20 years of parenting I am very uninterested in talking about it.

Exactly

I think we were all a bit shell shocked by just how quickly life went from normal every day stuff to nothing but days spent at home in an instant. It's not something anyone ever felt we would, certainly not westerners, experience as we have so many freedoms usually. Then it all disappeared with one TV conference.

And actually, as much as I looked forward to leaving Lockdown and getting back to normal, there is a lasting effect. A new normal.

My attitude is not so much selfish as self aware that I don't have to do things just to be polite. If I don't enjoy it why do it? Find something else.

It's also made me far more appreciative of the friends who generally I love to pieces and who are like family. The type I had long phone calls with during 2020/21. Who perhaps I had neglected a bit for the people I've slowly realised I have no link to and no appreciation of. Who only call when they need bailing out. Who barely checked in with us or who I didn't really keep up with.

It's actually, when you look at it that way, strangely refreshing.

Oh god, this is me. I'm dreading it - it'll be the same two people out of the group talking about themselves all bloody weekend as well. But the person organising will take great offence if we don't all go (I've tried to back out of similar things before and she gets very huffy, takes it personally and then just trots out the same line that she is just trying to do something nice for everyone).

I am 29 and feel exactly the same.
I just cant be bothered with people in general anymore. My work is very people orientated - so between that and kids and the odd social gathering I have no energy or motivation to socialise further.
I used to feel under pressure to make small talk with people but have recently put an end to that and generally pass myself with a hello and goodbye 👋🏼

People can be hard work, unpleasant, opinionated, nasty and ungrateful. Ive come to see this a lot through my line of work and it has really turned me off trying to people please and placing myself in company where I do not want to be.

In all honesty I am glad to feel this way before 30 as I no longer waste my own time on other people.

I was just reading about this yesterday! It's been dubbed 'long social distancing' (playing on 'long covid'). And yes, I too feel like this. During the lockdowns we just adapted to pottering around the house, and - well, I think we liked that aspect of it! I didn't feel 'deprived' of external company and I still don't, I suppose.

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/long-social-distancing-takes-hold-in-post-covid-britain-78w57qrgk

Sorry, can't do share tokens.

I'm 47 and the same. I think it's partly being perimenopausal and a bit grumpy but also I just got used to having a quiet life during lockdown. I enjoyed it!

Maybe this is why people are so many lonely people in their 70s and 80s - they spend their 40s and 50s shedding friends because they can't be bothered with them. It might be easy not to bother now, but you may regret it later down the line.

Nothing is "wrong" with you. You have finally realised that most people are, in fact, pretty boring.

DH and I are middle aged and both feel the same. Lockdown suited us both as we were let off the hook. We can enjoy good company in very small doses, play the part when obliged to, but ‘events’ are an effort that never feel worth the hassle.

I used to complain about how insular elder relatives had become and now I’m just the same

My brother summed it up perfectly last week, he said Covid has socially neutered us.9/10 I generally enjoy myself when I get there, but the thoughts of the effort required........😂

It’s definitely not just you, a lot of people are quite boring and also guarded about what they discuss, as in they don’t like to discuss how they feel about things honestly or to discuss ideas they often seem to just want to give a good impression of themselves which is deeply unentertaining. A few people mention the arts in the comments- live music, theatre, comedy even poetry events are a good way to get out of the normal boring flow and into the wide world. Nice thing is, even if it’s pants, you have something new to talk about.

The hormone cocktail that makes women people pleasers and able to put up with shit from everyone, and makes us able to put up with looking after babies no sleep etc is declining - embrace it!

I'm 50 next year and feel similar. Been on HRT for 6.5 years and feel great but, as someone else said on here, I have a people job, teach 18+, coordinate a department and am usually in a busy staff room. I've had enough of people when I get home.

This half term, I would usually have been to visit / stay over with friends for a night and maybe gone for a day to see another but I've done none of that this time. Might be because my DDs are older? 17 and 16, got their own stuff going on. Went out to Oxford on Monday with DDs and Hay on Wednesday with one of them which I loved. No effort needed.

I’m mid twenties and feel the same. Have probably been like this since I hit 23. I used to love going on nights out and bars with friends, impromptu city trips. Now I’m much more content going to the cinema or for food with DP. My DP is the same, we were in the same friendship group of people who constantly went out all the time and carried on doing this after we started dating so it’s not that. I think lockdown has also instilled an expected level of peace in me. I hate going out when it’s really busy. We went to a shopping centre on the bank holiday and immediately left and grabbed a coffee for the drive home.

I do arrange stuff with friends but socialising really takes it out of me and I need some times to recover. In May I met up with three separate friends on difference occasions and I’m still not ready to fill my social diary back up. A few years ago I’d do more socialising than that in a week! I have always enjoyed my own company but now I find I need days where I am alone with myself.

YANBU. The range of ages of posters experiencing the same thing tends to make me think it's more "post pandemic" than hormone related. I am single and DC are at uni/left home.

I am so so happy pottering at home or doing stuff on my own (cinema/theatre/holidays) I do still meet up with friends and family maybe once a week on average, but that is enough for me. I find most friends are pretty much the same to be honest.

Interesting. Thanks for sharing that.

I'm definitely going out less than I did before covid. I would love to do more, but I don't know what or how right now. It does also come down to money for me. It's expensive going most places that are accessible to me. Walks etc aren't possible.

You don’t sound unreasonable, OP, and if you’re happy with your situation then it’s not a problem. I used to get pressure from ‘friends’ who wanted lifts to social events miles away and found these things boring. Why travel hours to a pub for somebody else’s benefit? So I stopped and didn’t miss it or my ‘friends’.

I'm late twenties and feel the same!

I sometimes feel like this (54) but then when I make the effort to socialise I really enjoy it (with good friends only, I'm definitely over the big party/small talk scene). I think Covid has made us all a bit agarophobic. But actually I think social contact is very important for wellbeing. I think for me it's now about being much more intentional about who I spend my time with. I used to suffer badly from FOMO but I definitely don't anymore.

I feel exactly the same. I'd rather be reading a book, walking the dog, gardening etc. I am a major introvert!

I'm 49 and honestly lockdown was a breath of fresh air in some ways for me. I didnt feel the pressure to socialise and keeping in touch via WhatsApp or zoom was great. I realised that all those years people pleasing wasn't good for me. Wanting to be at social events as the fear of missing out was great yet at the same time I love being at home with just dh and dc. All the parties and gatherings I dragged my poor introvert dh to over the years. Now I still see friends and family but not as often as before. I have a good friend that comes and stays with me for a few days every other month and I goto hers too. We sit and craft or visit places together and it's been such a lovely pace of life now. I do love my friends and family still but we've all kind of settled into a nice way of life thats less stressful on us all. Maybe we've all grown up 🤣

At the moment I WFH and meet friends ( not the same ones) only once a month, which is definitely not enough. Once a week would be ideal. But I think I am the only one who wants to expand my social circle!