Aibu to expect him to be apologetic for not noticing the puddle

[patchwirk]

I was up early to help DH and DS2 (age 15) get packed for a day out. Just as they were leaving I noticed a puddle round the base of the downstairs loo. DS2 said he hadn't been in there this morning. DH said he had used the loo but didn't make the puddle, and hadn't noticed it. I expressed frustration at this, but he said, in an unsympathetic tone, that he wasn't going to apologise for not noticing something. I was annoyed he said this, especially in front of DS2, who often claims, in the same dismissive tone, not to notice the mess he leaves in his bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom etc. Aibu to expect them to notice? I don't expect a profuse apology, just a "Oh, sorry, I didn't notice - I would have cleared it up if I had."

YABU

Maybe it wasn’t there when he used the toilet. Strange to be annoyed by this.

Puddle, as in they pissed on the floor?

"Oh, sorry, I didn't notice - I would have cleared it up if I had."

Yes that's obviously the correct response, and of course it's good role modelling for your ds.

Poor you living with this pair.

I get you - it’s the tone/response (that DH is teaching DS) that’s the issue. Not the puddle!

my DH can be similar, it’s the dismissive not my problem you are the problem tone that drives me bonkers.

Still, you can’t change his action, just your reaction.
Channel your inner zen and try to calmly explain you don’t care about the puddle so much as the response to you about it and then move on. Or just deep breath and roll your eyes.

What was the puddle of, would it definitely have been there when H used the loo, and how exactly did you "express frustration"?

He used an unsympathetic tone. Did you use a sympathetic tone when you 'expressed frustration'
Sounds like he felt accused then defensive because of it

Puddle? Do you mean one of them pissed on the floor? Just ask them to clean it up, job done.

I’d be expressing more than frustration if I was finding puddles round any of my toilets, tbh. I’ve got a husband, and 2 grown up sons, and I don’t think I’ve cleaned up a puddle since the youngest was about 4.

You should have left it there so he could clean it up when he got back.

And why would they need your help to get ready for a day out.

It’s fucking gross that the presence of a puddle of piss is so unremarkable that the argument is about whether it was noticed or not. The boy(s)/men you live with are disgusting.

Wel,, if you haven't had a written apology, a signed promise to never do it again and a bunch of flowers then of course you must LTB. Or you could be ordinary, raise an eyebrow, ask him to clean it up and get on with your life. I have to tell you OP, worse things can and will happen in life.

Yes, it was a piss puddle, and it may have been there since last night. (I have 2 sons and, from previous experience, DS1 is the most likely suspect, but he was still in bed when the puddle was noticed).

As adagio said, it was the tone of the reaction that bothered me.

I would be annoyed that someone pissed on the floor and didn't clean it up more so than other people not apologising over it.

That's disgusting.

Yes but what was your tone. “Expressing frustration” is simply another way of saying you got pissed off, and if he didn’t do it I can see why he was unsympathetic in his response to you.

Not sure why he needs to apologise for not noticing?

If you didn’t notice it, how can you apologise for not seeing it?

TBH sounds like an early morning squabble where everyone probably didn’t use the right tone.

it’s completely separate to the issue of your ds not doing jobs around the house. Or the much bigger problem of an adult or almost adult pissing on your floor, that often you know it was them.

Both you and dh should be very pissed off with the older son for pissing in the floor and leaving it there

This! How on earth are you normalising pissing on the floor in anyone other than mid toilet training toddlers?

Did you express frustration in a nice friendly tone? If you sounded annoyed at him I can see why he was the same back, he isn’t a child and he can’t help that he didn’t see it.

Also I think you are missing the point and be annoyed at your kids who piss on your floor rather than berating your DH.

1. You got up early on a Sunday morning to help a grown man and an almost grown man pack for a day out.
2. One of said grown/almost grown men pissed on the floor and left it there.
3. You're irritated because DH responds poorly when you point out he didn't notice it?

There is so much more wrong here. Why do you let them get away with any of that? They should be packing their own bags and not bloody pissing on the floor in the first place, but to not clean it up is horrific. They're treating you worse than a skivvy expecting you to clean up their own piss, and you're letting them. DH responded with lack of respect because he has no respect for you.

If he didn't notice it he didn't notice it so it's odd to get annoyed at him for that. You shouldn't have cleaned it up and left it for one of them to deal with. Also why do they need your help to get up?

I agree. Do you also get annoyed when he doesn't remember something?

Don't do their packing and tell them to clean up the piss (tell them to sort out who between themselves). Scrub the word "doormat" off your forehead and go live your life.

I disagree with PP that it’s unreasonable to be annoyed that someone doesn’t notice things. I am often annoyed that things aren’t done properly or messes are created because of a lack of care and attention. My solution is to get them to come and fix it every time. It’s taking longer as he’s started taking some time to do a theatrical surprised face at the mess before fixing but generally it works well.

Everything @tootiredtoocare said, basically.

I’m with the OP. Her husband notices the puddle of wee but decides that it’s women’s work to clean it up and that the OP can do it, not him? So just leaves it there for her to notice and deal with? I’d be annoyed too. It is possible to be annoyed with both the creator of the puddle and the other person who is supposed to be doing the adulting in the house.