Am I money grabbing and ruthless?

[Poxa]

I've been split from ex for 5 years and he has always paid the same amount in maintenance (£50 a week). We share one child. I've tried to cooperate with him, but he has always refused to give me a straight answer as to how much he earns, how much CMS says he should pay according to the calculator. He volunteered to pay for some of the after school clubs for our child, in addition to his £50 a week, this went on for a while but was very hit/miss and required me having to nag him for money. He continually tells me he has no money. He has -however - dropped hints that he earns more than £50 a weeks worth of maintenance - such as, 'I don't want to go through the CMS as I won't have any money left for holidays.'

Last year I put in an application to the CMS, which I told him I was doing. Then his mum fell ill and a couple of months ago, she died. Due to this, I paused my application. Last week I reopened my application, and they have just contacted him. He is now calling me ruthless, two-faced, and a money grabber, whilst still insisting that he has no extra money to give. He's also said I am insensitive and horrible for doing this after his mum has died. I just don't think there will ever be a 'good' time, and to be frank, whilst I sympathise with him, his personal circumstances have nothing to do with his duties as a father. I think he is just angry because his payments are going to go up.

AIBU?

His response makes me think that he is expecting to be richer quite soon. Will he receive anything from his Mum’s estate?

Irrespective of that, he needs to pay for his child. Ignore the emotional manipulation and remind yourself of that.

Ignore what he says and let it go through.

He needs to step up to his responsibilities. Little shit. Ignore. Your focus is on your child.

No. He is the ruthless money grabber for not being generous with his own child. He isn;t beginning to meet half the costs of raising a child if he's only been paying £50pw.

I would break down the true cost of raising your son - all clothes, uniform, sports kit, school meals, trips, birthday party presents and outings for socialising, food, home, utilities, petrol, toys, after school clubs and other extra curricular stuff. Add it all up and divide it in half. That's what he should be paying at very least. Probably more, if your earning capacity is jeopardised by having to be the available parent during holidays, sickness etc.

His mother's death has nothing to do with his responsibility towards his own child.

Thanks everyone, I had similar thoughts. I got some really vitriolic text messages last night, but it seems to have calmed down today. I do feel sorry for his situation, and I am feeling a little mean, but ultimately he should be paying for his child properly and I need to be steadfast in that.

YANBU. Definitely, definitely not.

It's terribly sad that his mum got ill and died, and I'm sure it's been tough for him, but he still needs to pay for his child.
If anything he's being the ruthless one trying to make you feel bad for money that he absolutely needs to pay.

There is the true cost of raising a child and then there is the amount that will be calculated based on your ex partners income. Whilst their equation to sort it out may not be perfect surely it’s the best way. On only one occasion have I ever heard of someone’s calculation ending up showing that the Father was paying more than they needed to and that was many years ago and the system has changed. For info the absent Father carried on paying more than he officially needed to but he was a nice guy who actively supported his child in all things.

@CharSiu I'm fairly certain from doing some investigations that it will be going up by at least £15 per week.

Well if he had paid correctly for the past 5 years this wouldn’t be an issue now.

if he continues with the abuse I’d just send a text saying that as a concerned parent and “great dad” (as I’m sure he believes he is) that paying the minimum that the law requires shouldn’t be an issue to him and of course he is welcome to make regular additional payments

Where you have been unreasonable is waiting four years to apply. Hope it is resolved soon.

I really don't understand why this country is so bad at making nrp pay for their kids. They should have to pay a true 50% of costs, including childcare, so that the other parent can work.
If our society really cared about kids growing up in poverty they'd start by making men pay what is fair, rather than the piddling token amount that lots get away with. Might stop men from having more kids than they can financially support, if they were held accountable for them! There should be no getting out of it by living with another woman who has dc or by having more dc themselves!

OP you are doing the right thing. His mother being dead has no bearing on whether he should be paying fair child support.

You are very empathetic OP to feel sorry for his situation of prioritising holidays and fun over his DC's food and clothing. I suspect there won't ever be a good time when he can't find an excuse or reason for wanting to keep his money and deprive his DC. Was he selfish before you split?

Good luck.

You're just using the proper system intended for assessing a fair amount of financial support, which to be honest you should have used ages ago. Rather than his system of plucking a number from the air which suits him.

Would he have a tantrum if HMRC refused to accept his unilateral decision on how much tax he should pay and asked him to fill in a tax return?

If our society really cared about kids growing up in poverty they'd start by making men pay what is fair, rather than the piddling token amount that lots get away with.

^^This... a thousand times over.

YABU

He is the money-grabbing one. He is grabbing money from you/you daughter by either expecting you to fund more than your fair share or to make his daughter go without so he can have more fun money.

Oh no! sorry - obviously I meant YANBU!

You're not money-grabbing and ruthless. If I was being unkind, I would call you a mug. Instead, I would say that it is nice that you have been so considerate and kind to him, but your priority should be your child and your ex needs to pay for his child whatever else is going on in his life. He is apparently completely incapable of prioritising his child as he should so you are quite right to go through the CMA. Don't let him mess you (and more importantly your child) around any longer.

I presume that is £15 above his maintenance and after school payments? As now you'll be paying those permanently.

I agree with going via cms, but I also feel for those on lower incomes paying this as they don't receive any of the benefits of child benefits and the extra allowances that the resident parent can claim via universal credit etc. Whilst they also do pay for their contact time, and in your case for ASC etc that ultimately benefits the resident parent.

I also understand that £780 may benefit you @Poxa but I wonder how much you will see of this that won't be paid out covering clubs etc...

You are correct; I should have done it long ago and I have been threatening it for years. I'd always assumed £50 was about right, until he boasted fairly recently that he was 'earning a lot more than his friends' and 'didn't want to pay more because it would impact his lifestyle and ability to go on holiday'.

I'm only questioning myself because of his mum, I know he has had to take unpaid grief leave, and he's using all of that as reasons why he can't pay more. He's never been transparent about his earnings in 5 years though, I just didn't know if I was being harsh and should have given him more time due to his current circumstances. He's made me feel awful.

The question I would love to be put to these NRPs who are outraged at the thought of CMS being involved in ensuring they meet a legal minimum contribution to the cost of supporting their child(ren) is - 'Why do you not want to make a fair contribution to your child's upbringing? Why are you willing for your child to have less so you can have more? What are your priorities instead?"

It says so much about the character and morals of a parent if their first instinct is not 'how do I support and provide for my child's needs and wellbeing', but rather, 'how do I avoid any responsibility or minimise my support for them'.

Sorry but his mum isn’t your problem, your child still needs funds to survive. You’re not doing anything wrong by claiming what you’re entitled to, his mum’s death is a completely separate matter and does not come into the equation

@ChoiceMummy He doesn't pay anything outside of his £50. He never has DC overnight. We had an informal agreement that he would pay half for clubs, but he never added this to his weekly amount. He would sporadically pay this when I nagged and cajoled (approx £30 extra a month).

@Poxa my mum died 6 months ago. It’s an awful thing to go through. I haven’t even started to put myself back together.

However, that doesn’t mean I can just drop all responsibility for my kids. My kids dad decided if I was going to be with him he wasn’t that fussed about providing for the kids. So if I just stopped providing for them, what happens? Can just not really bother supporting them as I should?

If your mum died (hopefully not for a long time or if she has you do know how hard it is) you couldn’t just stop providing for kids, could you?

He is a parent and should be stepping up, regardless of him grieving. He is still going to work. Still earning and should be paying accordingly.