Am I money grabbing and ruthless?

[Poxa]

I've been split from ex for 5 years and he has always paid the same amount in maintenance (£50 a week). We share one child. I've tried to cooperate with him, but he has always refused to give me a straight answer as to how much he earns, how much CMS says he should pay according to the calculator. He volunteered to pay for some of the after school clubs for our child, in addition to his £50 a week, this went on for a while but was very hit/miss and required me having to nag him for money. He continually tells me he has no money. He has -however - dropped hints that he earns more than £50 a weeks worth of maintenance - such as, 'I don't want to go through the CMS as I won't have any money left for holidays.'

Last year I put in an application to the CMS, which I told him I was doing. Then his mum fell ill and a couple of months ago, she died. Due to this, I paused my application. Last week I reopened my application, and they have just contacted him. He is now calling me ruthless, two-faced, and a money grabber, whilst still insisting that he has no extra money to give. He's also said I am insensitive and horrible for doing this after his mum has died. I just don't think there will ever be a 'good' time, and to be frank, whilst I sympathise with him, his personal circumstances have nothing to do with his duties as a father. I think he is just angry because his payments are going to go up.

AIBU?

You haven’t done anything wrong here. He is

You'll be getting requests for shared care 50:50. Or am I very cynical?

He's literally been stealing from his own child for years and gloating about it, but you're questioning whether he has a point?

His mum dying has fuck all to do with anything. His child doesn't just disappear into the ether without requiring basic sustenance during difficult times. And how does he relate a death in the family to paying nominal maintenance anyway? Those two things have no connection to one another.

I agree with going via cms, but I also feel for those on lower incomes paying this as they don't receive any of the benefits of child benefits and the extra allowances that the resident parent can claim via universal credit etc. Whilst they also do pay for their contact time, and in your case for ASC etc that ultimately benefits the resident parent.

Oh, of course. Won't someone think of the poor men/NRP?

Imagine having almost your entire income to yourself and almost your entire week to yourself, and being made to pay a nominal sum towards your own child. AND having to pay for stuff for them during the small amount of time they are with you! The injustice!

What's your thought process behind after school clubs only benefitting the resident parent? Do you not mean 'enables both parents to be able to work (one of them of course still being restricted to working until 6pm or whenever after school club finishes and then rushing around doing homework and tea and washing and bedtime... and the other still being free to do whatever the fuck they want)'?

Tell him you are sure his mother would want to see her granddaughter adequately provided for by HER FATHER!

I despair, honestly, I do.
My children’s father was exactly the same, then travelled the world and lavished everything on his children in his second marriage. He didn’t even tell my children he was getting married.

30 years ago andI I will never forget.

OP, your DC has to eat every single day, regardless of whether the grandma is alive or not. Your DC has to eat every single day, regardless of whether the father goes on holiday or not. 50 quid a week doesn't sound like much to me tbh.
Don't feel guilty OP. Your ex-husband is upset because he's been caught out in a big way, otherwise he wouldn't be that bothered.

Absolutely.

One other thing, OP, is that a sum agreed five years ago has buying power decreased by inflation.

In that case, it's win win for you! 👃

This response from you is based on the NRP being an eow contact parent only, which at the time I posted this, this was not known.

I was simply stating that if he was a parent who could have had the child 3 nights a week, be on a low income, not receiving any of the financial benefits pertaining to the child and potentially worth thousands a year, none of the associate gateway benefits this affords and then paying towards ASC so that the other parent can work, that is, whether you like to acknowledge it a difficult financial place to be for the nrp.

Amazing how the death of his mother hasn’t made him rethink his own position as a parent and how he should prioritise providing for his child over frivolous holidays.

These deadbeats are all the same. Selfish pricks.

He's stealing from his child.

Keep those vile texts.

I was simply stating that if he was a parent who could have had the child 3 nights a week, be on a low income, not receiving any of the financial benefits pertaining to the child and potentially worth thousands a year, none of the associate gateway benefits this affords and then paying towards ASC so that the other parent can work, that is, whether you like to acknowledge it a difficult financial place to be for the nrp.

Yes, and if he had his child 3 nights a week his maintenance would be significantly reduced in line with that. So what's your issue? Resident parents should just suck up the costs of their children so that the NRP doesn't have to be at all put out?

Seeing as you're being so specific in focusing on NRP who may have their children 3 nights a week, what about the RP who aren't entitled to benefits but get wiped out with childcare costs in order to enable them to work? What about those parents? Why is it only difficult for the NRP? Are you a NRP or just a man apologist?

He's the money grabbing twat op - not you. There would never be a good time for you to do this.

I don't understand how as a society we let men get away with this. All of them have parents and siblings and friends etc? How do they feel about someone they love/like stealing from their own children?

How much did he inherit from his late mother?

No, I'm a lone mother who opted to not have to put up with this shit so does it all alone! and guess what, it's all manageable and boy am I grateful I didn't choose an idiot to father my child!

But my point remains, being a low income NRP can be equally as shit. Being a low income rp invariably is easier, financially speaking because they are entitled to top ups etc and the gateway element of the benefits. Whereas the NRP as a lone male (of which 90% are) are pretty much viewed as bottom of the pile and receive no such support even if having the child 3 nights a week!

A RP not entitled to benefits and childcare support is on a good income to start with. So I'm afraid that I have limited support for that camp.

Well tbh cms will use late years income to base it of so if he was furloughed you could end up with less but I agree it is shitty timing on your side as it should have been done years ago

*No, I'm a lone mother who opted to not have to put up with this shit so does it all alone! and guess what, it's all manageable and boy am I grateful I didn't choose an idiot to father my child!

But my point remains, being a low income NRP can be equally as shit. Being a low income rp invariably is easier, financially speaking because they are entitled to top ups etc and the gateway element of the benefits. Whereas the NRP as a lone male (of which 90% are) are pretty much viewed as bottom of the pile and receive no such support even if having the child 3 nights a week!

A RP not entitled to benefits and childcare support is on a good income to start with. So I'm afraid that I have limited support for that camp.*

Your posts are so ridiculous and ignorant that I don't even know why I'm bothering to engage.

1. There are lots of women who 'chose' useless fathers 'doing it alone' too.
2. Your use of language is very misogynistic. The insinuation is that it's the women's fault for 'choosing' to have children with a shit dad. Like it can always be predicted. Like there is no responsibility on the man to be a good parent.
3. Being a RP is easier financially speaking...I have no words. It's like you have no idea about what children cost although you say you're a mother. It's like you know exactly what every RP's income is in order to justify this comment.
4. You're talking absolute shit about those who aren't entitled to benefits being on a good income and your 'limited support' of these people. When I had DC my income after tax was 1400. Not entitled to any benefits or childcare. Nursery was 600 a month. Mortgage and bills were 1000. Maintenance was about 70 quid a month. I had to work two jobs as otherwise baby DC would have never eaten and would have slept on a park bench with me. But big up the poor NRPs!

@Poxa

Save. Those. Texts.

You might need them — you never know.

Don't engage with him. If he continues abusing you contact the police and ask for advice. He sounds like a proper shit.

@Bubblesandsqueak1 My understanding is that CMS use last years income (he had periods of furlough and unemployment) but if his recent income is 25% more he has to declare it and they will use that figure. He is undoubtedly earning 25% more than he was in the previous tax year.

@poxa unfortunately they don't they have to use a complete tax year as it goes off yearly income, then there is also if he refuses to give them his income they can set a default amount which I think for 1 child its £39ish a week, at the end if the tax year you can request a change in payments

He's only been trying to put you off using CMS because it means he'll have to pay more.

Why is it that so many men avoid helping financially to raise their children.
Mine tried to avoid CMS and told me what he would pay me. It didn't sound right so I put in a CMS claim and, surprise surprise, he's having to pay £100 a month more.

Why should you be making do with just 50gbp if he can afford more and should be paying more?

His mother is a side issue, he has been underpaying for years most probably and lying to you.