Am I money grabbing and ruthless?

54 replies

Poxa · 04/06/2022 18:12

I've been split from ex for 5 years and he has always paid the same amount in maintenance (£50 a week). We share one child. I've tried to cooperate with him, but he has always refused to give me a straight answer as to how much he earns, how much CMS says he should pay according to the calculator. He volunteered to pay for some of the after school clubs for our child, in addition to his £50 a week, this went on for a while but was very hit/miss and required me having to nag him for money. He continually tells me he has no money. He has -however - dropped hints that he earns more than £50 a weeks worth of maintenance - such as, 'I don't want to go through the CMS as I won't have any money left for holidays.'

Last year I put in an application to the CMS, which I told him I was doing. Then his mum fell ill and a couple of months ago, she died. Due to this, I paused my application. Last week I reopened my application, and they have just contacted him. He is now calling me ruthless, two-faced, and a money grabber, whilst still insisting that he has no extra money to give. He's also said I am insensitive and horrible for doing this after his mum has died. I just don't think there will ever be a 'good' time, and to be frank, whilst I sympathise with him, his personal circumstances have nothing to do with his duties as a father. I think he is just angry because his payments are going to go up.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AR77 · 06/06/2022 11:13

Calling you 'money grabbing' is trying to guilt trip you. If you are, then so am I because I am totally on your side. I'm guessing it's costing YOU significantly more than £50 a week. Don't feel guilty at all. If anything you should call him out on this shoddy behaviour. Solidarity!

ChoiceMummy · 06/06/2022 20:03

decayingmatter · 05/06/2022 20:32

*No, I'm a lone mother who opted to not have to put up with this shit so does it all alone! and guess what, it's all manageable and boy am I grateful I didn't choose an idiot to father my child!

But my point remains, being a low income NRP can be equally as shit. Being a low income rp invariably is easier, financially speaking because they are entitled to top ups etc and the gateway element of the benefits. Whereas the NRP as a lone male (of which 90% are) are pretty much viewed as bottom of the pile and receive no such support even if having the child 3 nights a week!

A RP not entitled to benefits and childcare support is on a good income to start with. So I'm afraid that I have limited support for that camp.*

Your posts are so ridiculous and ignorant that I don't even know why I'm bothering to engage.

There are lots of women who 'chose' useless fathers 'doing it alone' too.
Your use of language is very misogynistic. The insinuation is that it's the women's fault for 'choosing' to have children with a shit dad. Like it can always be predicted. Like there is no responsibility on the man to be a good parent.
Being a RP is easier financially speaking...I have no words. It's like you have no idea about what children cost although you say you're a mother. It's like you know exactly what every RP's income is in order to justify this comment.
You're talking absolute shit about those who aren't entitled to benefits being on a good income and your 'limited support' of these people. When I had DC my income after tax was 1400. Not entitled to any benefits or childcare. Nursery was 600 a month. Mortgage and bills were 1000. Maintenance was about 70 quid a month. I had to work two jobs as otherwise baby DC would have never eaten and would have slept on a park bench with me. But big up the poor NRPs!

No idea which decade you had young children, but on £1400 net a month, you would be eligible for uc childcare support. So as I said, those not receiving childcare support due to a good income are on more than that! Currently, you'd be receiving £450 ish in uc on top of your income plus the childcare at upto 85% even if you were no longer entitled to the £450! Plus the child benefits. That's not that bad is it!

Just because you opted to have a large mortgage, doesn't mean that your situation is the experience of others.

And let's be clear, you chose to procreate with the children's father. Your choice. Perhaps you should have considered more factors before opting on him? Like I said, I have avoided this fully.

TabithaTittlemouse · 06/06/2022 20:10

His mum dying has nothing to do with paying for his daughter.
He needs to support his child.

decayingmatter · 06/06/2022 21:58

*Just because you opted to have a large mortgage, doesn't mean that your situation is the experience of others.

And let's be clear, you chose to procreate with the children's father. Your choice. Perhaps you should have considered more factors before opting on him? Like I said, I have avoided this fully.*

Hilarious. Like women actively choose to procreate with men who are going to be arseholes in the future, as if that can always be predicted. Nice bit of victim blaming.

£1000 a month for a mortgage and bills does not equate to a 'large mortgage'. How much do you think council tax, gas, electricity, car insurance, water, phone, internet, food shopping etc comes to?

Why are you demanding that single mothers justify their lifestyles before they are deemed 'worthy' of maintenance rather than focusing on the failings of a system which allows men to walk away from their responsibilities towards their child?

Your choice to have a kid on your own is completely irrelevant to the situation that those who didn't are in. You have no skin in the game, you have an incredibly poor insight into the realities and pitfalls, and your comments are really ignorant.

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