Why am I useless at mum relationships?

[LittleFeet178]

So I've got a senior level professional job in which I manage a large team. A key part of my role is building relationships with colleagues across the business. My team is considered high performing and I get good manager feedback. I have never found it difficult to build relationships with my reports or wider colleagues and am well liked. If asked my colleagues would probably say I'm outgoing and even quite chatty. I enjoy work and had made several long lasting friendships through it.

Outside of work I'm hopeless. I dread nursery and school drop off because I don't know what to say to the other parents and I'm hopeless at instigating playdates for DC. I hate bumping into other parents in the playground and having to make conversation. But my absolute hell is kids parties where I stand on my own "supervising" DC feeling like a spare part and wishing the 2 hours away.

How is it possible I'm a completely different person at work and home?!
I want to fix it because I don't want it to affect my kids but I don't know how...

I'm a bit like this OP. My take is that I'm best at friendships where there is a built in boundary. I'm really happy and confident at work and my best self. Whereas I feel a bit lost at kids parties / school drop off.

My approach is to be very smiley and show a lot of interest in other parents and their kids. Most people like to talk about themselves in my experience. I have met a couple of friends through nursery / school etc and that helps a bit.

I just never know what to ask about other people's kids - what do people like to talk about that is kids related?

I get this, OP. I think my problem is that I’m just not very interested in the random kid of someone I don’t really know, so questions don’t really present themselves to my mind. I get it when talking to other dog owners too- all that chat about how old your dog is or what his name is. Who cares?! I find it hard to fake it.

Anyway, with kids, broad open questions about how everything is going, smile a lot, then reply “it’s a lovely age/it’s a difficult age” depending on what they said 😂

It gets a lot easier when you get to know the other mums a bit and their children, as then you might actually be interested and make friends and so get a lot more out of it. But with a bunch of randoms, anyone would struggle.

Here's what I say -

How is x getting on at school?
How are you finding it?
Does x do any after school clubs?
Does h/she like it?
Where are you living now/ did you have to travel far?
I love x's dress / trousers / t- shirt whatever

People like to talk about themselves- open ended questions !

TBH not every 'school mum' wants to join in. I think you are putting too much pressure on making friends with these people in an attempt to make friends on your DC behalf.

My kids have made their own friends through school, local children and activities and clubs.

You sound like you’re not very good at small talk. Your work doesn’t require that in the same way. You need to realise that it’s a completely different set of skills. Are you unusual in the school circles for being a working mum?

My DD is now an adult and I avoided the Nazi PTA "Mums at the school gate" thing at all costs. Didn't effect either of us. My dd loves my real life friends and their kids.

Nazi?

Please don’t use Nazi in this context.

I think if you go into it thinking “I want to pass the time pleasantly / get to know my kid’s schoolmates” rather than “I need a new BFF or my child will never have a playdate ever”, it helps. It can be much less important than you’re making it, imo.

^ that was to @Thisisit2022 not the OP

I don't really want to be friends with any of them, I just want to be able to pass the time of day without feeling awkward and silly.

I just don’t see how the fact another person also has children means there’s an expectation you should have anything else in common?

I think that's part of the problem. If I'm honest I find it all hard work. I have enough friends and have no interest in making them my friends. I also think the PTA mum's are all a bit excruciating. But I just feel really lonely and foolish come Saturday afternoon when it's a kids birthday party and I'm stood in the corner and nobody talks to me. They probably all think I'm some snooty bitch when the truth is I'm just feeling shy and not cut out to be a mum

Thank you! I'm going to store this somewhere and use it as my crib sheet

In your op you only talk about "friendships" at work, specifically with people you're senior to. Those aren't friendships. Do you have actual real life friends outside of other mums and your work colleagues?

I'm not sure if you struggle with friendships in general or if you're viewing these mums as some sort of work juniors? My advice would be don't approach this like it's a work assignment and you might get on with people better

Oh I'm the same. Today we went to a local jubilee party and it was full of mums from school, all hanging out and chatting together. I felt so sad that I wasn't on such friendly terms with them! With me it's because I'm shy. I do make friends in the work setting but that's because I spend a long time with colleagues talking so it goes way beyond small talk. People get to know me this way and see beyond the shyness. In the playground I just stand around looking self conscious, I suppose...

You have answered your own question: you say you have no interest in them, or bring their friend

fair enough

But then you just reap what you sow? Not that you miss out 😉

But I just always saw the other parents as “colleagues” really, not looking for friendship but some solidarity, and some random chat to kill the time whilst waiting.

Just chat about school stuff (if you can be bothered) and take it from there

Get your child to point out some of her friends and then try introducing yourself - hi I’m Katie’s mum, our daughters are friends etc. The conversation will hopefully flow. Ask if they enjoy school, do they do any activities. Make something up like ‘my daughter is wanting to do something after school do you have any suggestions locally’ etc. Hopefully it will flow. Must admit I didn’t enjoy the small talk at the gates, which wasn’t often as I worked too. I did get to know a few though quite well which was lovely as although mine are much older now we are still friends. But some of the parents seemed to know everyone and that wasn’t for me!

I'm exactly the same! Consider myself a nice normal person. Can chat to people in many different situations... except the school gate....I turn from an averagely confident person to someone crippled by social anxiety

If youre not arsed to be / want to be friends with them and find some of them excruciating then it’s a surprise that you are even bothered about it.
You want to be able to pass the time but have no actual real interest? I find this strange, ok you don’t have to be invested in every person you meet in life but strange to instantly state you have no interest in a bunch of people -
you don’t know, there could be some amazing women amongst them that could provide great friendships.

I would maybe have a think about it all again because it makes no sense to have zero interest in being liked or being friends with someone whilst simultaneously feeling awkward and sidelined.

Aside from that, sounds like you just need a list of stock questions that you can use as conversation openers or small talk.

If youre not arsed to be / want to be friends with them and find some of them excruciating then it’s a surprise that you are even bothered about it.

This. I hate making small talk but I’m sure as hell don’t want to be make small talk with someone that isn’t really interested.

Why do you not want to make friends? I’ve made some fabulous mum friends, but I had to really put myself out there. I hate small talk so didn’t find it easy.

I’m like this but in most areas, in my case I just don’t really like talking to people. It’s okay not to have “mum friends”. My friends are people I played DnD with at university. Some have kids, some don’t. Most are men. It’s okay if playdates and kids parties aren’t your thing

I'm like that but the other way around.