Why am I useless at mum relationships?

[LittleFeet178]

So I've got a senior level professional job in which I manage a large team. A key part of my role is building relationships with colleagues across the business. My team is considered high performing and I get good manager feedback. I have never found it difficult to build relationships with my reports or wider colleagues and am well liked. If asked my colleagues would probably say I'm outgoing and even quite chatty. I enjoy work and had made several long lasting friendships through it.

Outside of work I'm hopeless. I dread nursery and school drop off because I don't know what to say to the other parents and I'm hopeless at instigating playdates for DC. I hate bumping into other parents in the playground and having to make conversation. But my absolute hell is kids parties where I stand on my own "supervising" DC feeling like a spare part and wishing the 2 hours away.

How is it possible I'm a completely different person at work and home?!
I want to fix it because I don't want it to affect my kids but I don't know how...

One of my friends is in the same position as you OP. Like you, she is very clever in a high level job (she is an engineer) and just has nothing in common with the women at nursery. She just doesn't fit in with their boring conversations, their 'we've known each other since we were toddlers' clique-ness, and has been reduced to tears by their judgemental comments of 'ahhh poor thing' aimed at her daughter when she told the teacher her husband would be doing drop off for 3 days because she was going on a business trip to Milan. Don't worry about them OP. Enjoy your job and bonds you make with colleagues, your own friends that you choose, and your family.

Errr so OP let me get this straight…you think all the “PTA mums” are “excruciating” and have “no interest in making friends” but you somehow expect these same “excruciating” people to talk about “mum stuff” with you despite not having any interest clue what to say to them, and can only think that all these “excruciating” people want to talk about is their own children?

You are incredibly judgemental, rude and disrespectful and I expect this is why no one speaks to you outside of your so-amazing “professional job”. Maybe someone you pay to be nice to you from your large team will care. Frankly you sound absolutely horrible and I wouldn’t bother with you either.

As we know, all women without high powered jobs are stupid and boring and never have anything interesting to say.

Your friend sounds amazing @Mariposista . What a shame she doesn’t fit in.

Where do you fit in?

She really is! And her kid is great, a really happy child and loves saying ‘mummy works with boats’. And becoming a mum has just made her even more interesting to talk to and rounded, not self-centred with nothing to talk about except HER child, nappies, sleep patterns, soft play etc YAAAAAAAWN change the radio channel please!

Where do I fit in? No doubt about it, with my own chosen friends, and on my swimming team (I am a professional swimmer). Some of us are married, others in relationships, divorced, single, widowed, gay, straight, from other countries… it’s such a varied group that there is always something and someone to talk to and we support each other. And yes, we all come from different professional backgrounds - not all are in management positions (that also would be boring), some are shop assistants, taxi drivers, whatever, but they are just INTERESTING people who are also interested in others and their lives, not just what’s going on in their own. And yea some of us are parents and some not - it’s fun when the kids join us at competitions sometimes. So please don’t worry OP, how good or bad you are at making friends as a mum is not defined but this very small, boring group.

Good suggestions. I say these too knowing I don't actually give a shit or care. I hate these small talk conversations too but I just do it because of my dc.b

The truth is, talking about kids is boring. When you're at work adults talk about all sorts of things. You'd be an idiot to start twaddling on about kids.

So when you're out of work, find the other mums who don't want to talk kids either. Any talking about their kids are bores. Best avoided. Find the ones who don't talk about kids and who talk about interesting things.

Being stuck in conversation with a kid talked is hell. I had one start crying on me about her husband when I had my coat on and was leaving a childcare building. I hadn't even started talking to her. She just started bleating personal stuff at me. Honestly I just avoid people who 'want mum friends' or think having kids is their whole life. Make normal friends.

Yes, I've had this. I was a stay at home mum for years and posh judgemental working women would call me a drudge, and then when I started working again (with travelling too! Yay) they'd already given up work and acted like I was a career obsessed child abandoner. In short, you can't win and they basically will sneer no matter what you do.

Fine, but also none of your business. Finding what? Maybe. Maybe. In my house, which I won't tell you because I don't want you knocking on. Did I travel...? I never answer this. Actually at this point I walk off.

Why not start a conversation with them about THEM? Digging for info on their kids and house is creepy. Just talk to them like a normal person. About normal things. Do you think this is how adults talk?

I have literally never met a woman who only wants to talk about their kids. Never.

There was thread recently about your worst kids birthday party - I wanted to post All of them!
Kids are overexcited, won't do what you tell them, charge around (I just don't see that as fun) , stuffing junk food, apart from th bratty kid getting dozens of presents is there an up??
Next is weddings - everyone sitting or standing around making stiltedconversation. With people they don't rally know - I hate them

But I do like doing things with others, writing group, painting,walking - I think it's because you have a clear object of discussion but are under no obligation to join in -as you are doing something else.

Sometimes the problem is that a lot of other Mum's already know each other from before their kids went to school, maybe they have older siblings who were in the same class etc and so you might feel left out but it will be unintentional on their behalf.
Also different year groups vary so much - I have three boys, two of them we have had great year groups of parents all being very sociable, lots of meet-ups etc and bbq's, parties for parents and kids. My eldest is 20 and I still go out with and away with a group of Mum friends from his school year several times a year. Youngest one we all socialise a lot as well, partly because we got to know everyone a lot better through football and sports clubs that they all go to.
My middle one however I would only pass the time of day with one or two parents, never socialise with any of them. Just a different vibe in that year.
Just try and strike up casual conversation and see where it goes. Some people come across as being stand-offish but are actually just quite shy and socially awkward- they would probably really appreciate you heading over for a chat!

Also, if you're 2 people dropping your kids at the same school, then it's a bit of a common ground thing to talk about. I never understand these people who say they don't care about school gate friendships but then come across as really bitter and judgmental about it all!

You tried talking to the Dads?

This is so me OP! For a long time I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I think you have to learn the mum talk thing but also you need to find your crew. I've found them now and they're mostly professionals like me but it's taken 10 years. Go out and meet more parents, the ones you'll click with may not be on the school or nursery run so make sure to go to other things such as school mums nights out etc. There will be people in exactly the same boat, you just need to find them.