Why am I useless at mum relationships?

[LittleFeet178]

So I've got a senior level professional job in which I manage a large team. A key part of my role is building relationships with colleagues across the business. My team is considered high performing and I get good manager feedback. I have never found it difficult to build relationships with my reports or wider colleagues and am well liked. If asked my colleagues would probably say I'm outgoing and even quite chatty. I enjoy work and had made several long lasting friendships through it.

Outside of work I'm hopeless. I dread nursery and school drop off because I don't know what to say to the other parents and I'm hopeless at instigating playdates for DC. I hate bumping into other parents in the playground and having to make conversation. But my absolute hell is kids parties where I stand on my own "supervising" DC feeling like a spare part and wishing the 2 hours away.

How is it possible I'm a completely different person at work and home?!
I want to fix it because I don't want it to affect my kids but I don't know how...

Maybe think of them as people rather than ‘Mums’ and it might help the conversation to come more naturally.

I never understand people who seem to ‘other’ Mums, eschewing any sort of collegial, friendly relationship with them, being seemingly above the school gate … and then come and hang out on Mumsnet…..

You should, fellow awkward mum here and just realised the above represents 90% of the school gate/ birthday party conversations I’ve ever had. I didn’t know there was an actual manual 😁

My job involves lots of getting to know new people and getting their trust quickly, therefore I'm queen of friendly small talk. Its a definite skill to be learned, I was terrible before.

Top tips:

Smile and make eye contact.

Take the present to the parent compliment anything - the bouncy castle, cake etc. This normally starts the conversation.
Ask if you can help out in anyway, make teas and coffees, take a picture of them and their child, get the bin bags out at the end. People remember and are grateful.
When you naturally bump into people eg making a drink, taking your child to the tiolet, this is when conversations naturally start.
Tell a funny story about you or your child if it seems appropriate.
Ask about out of school stuff - clubs, holidays etc.

Once you'd done that part and seem friendly, people will talk to you next time. The conversation can move on from small talk to something more interesting eg books you are reading, films you have watched, jobs etc.
This is when you normally make more connections eg 'Oh I go to that gym, have you been to the zumba class, the instructor is great?' They may have a friend who goes or recommend another class etc that you know.
It only takes a few pushes to get to this bit for me and then you have a friend to speak to who is friends with another person etc.

Invite people to play dates - not necessarily at your house, even to the park.
Every class/ place has a different vibe and it takes time to work out your tribe.

That said, I have a couple of friends who I have invited along to playgroup/ days out and they seem to end up rubbing up people the wrong way or not fitting in groups. they can appear intimidating at first through body language or the way they dress etc and I really feel for them as they are lovely but it seems much harder for them to break into a group.

Thank you for all the good advice! I think I have mum imposter syndrome or something, I wasn't cut out for all the mum stuff.
Going to try to be brave at the next party or even at the school gates and actually try to start a conversation with someone, taking my crib sheet of questions with me!

I'm dreading school drop offs come September when DC will be at primary, glad it's not just me!

Small talk is your friend in these situations.
think of it as networking, ask appropriate questions about their children, and most of all, just relax

School mums just aren’t worth it. Years of experience here.

Try talking to their children. I really appreciate this and I think other moms do too. If a mom says to mine (preschool) 'oh did you do art today?' it opens up a child-centred conversation and can go from there. I sometimes find it tedious hearing about the parents but I don't mind child chat 😂 most people love taking about their children. Funny stories, insight into their peers, new ideas...

Having said that I do often feel 'apart' at kid's parties, group activities etc. and prefer my partner to do them as he's a real extrovert. I can do the school gates, playground etc.

First kid loads of mum friends who was all their first kid like me. Second kid no friends third kid I love that my sons best friend is also the youngest kid so me and his mum are same, kids play GTA, we swear in front of them and just different, as they have older siblings and we change, however a first time mum is so uptight and hates me now because everything has to be perfect. That's how I was like. But first time mums struggle with older kids so you get friends in the same bracket. I recently went to a baby group and found it so boring, all the chat and songs. But I spent years loving them when my kids were young

Old person here, adult kids. The school gate is the loneliest place on earth for some people. I worked throughout, though able to do drop offs/collection, albeit brief. The Mums were always in clusters..didn't help that neither of mine went to the same nursery, it's all about the consistent pathway...

Like the OP, pretty confident at work, but the school gate rendered me a wallflower.

Hi OP

I'm kind-of one of those PTA mums - well, not into the PTA stuff at ALL but love chatting at the school gates, have a lot of school mum friends etc..

Honestly, us type of mums (to me anyway) are quite intimidated by mums like you and only want to be friendly 😊

You sound so lovely and I'm sure the other mums would be delighted to have "small talk" with you.

A lot of the time I honestly envy the mums who have a bit of social distance from us....the PTA mums in particular can actually get quite toxic and drama obsessed.

You ARE cut out for this mum stuff - being one of those school gates mums is not part of being a wonderful mama.

I am brilliant at befriending people. Smile and hi. If you have a question, introduce yourself and then say, hey do you happen to know… Thank them. See you. Say hello again next time. If the children are friends, take an interest in the child and be in touch with the other parent about any play dates/shared activities. Be welcoming. This is purely for the children’s benefit.it’s always worth making an effort, we all have children and at times we all need a hand or a friendly face.

Just say hi, make an eye contact and ask about how their kid is doing at school. You don’t need to be their bf, and frankly no one is expecting that. Help out at school or at the fair. Get involved. And if you see someone at the playground say hi and see where the convo takes you. Our reception class is full of parents that won’t say hi, look away when they see you on the road, and won’t help at school (and we need the funding). Even at birthday parties many just drop off a 4 year old! And the rest of us have to look after them. I don't get it, I really don’t. I work ft, and have an only child so I go out of my way to organise play dates, say hello to people (to everyone who will look up) and help at the school. I am doing it for my child. You can always find something to have in common with nearly anyone.

Mums are just people who have children. Even the most confident mum questions her parenting at times. It would probably do you good to get to know other mums and make you realise that you're all similar. That you have interests and a life outside of being a mum and to be able to talk about your insecurities and what is troubling you. Solidarity and assurance from people going through the same as you is invaluable.

The small talk is just to spark a conversation. It doesn't mean that that is all you will ever talk about.

Having read all your posts, the answer to your question in your title is probably because you look down on all the school gate mums and don't make an effort! You know a lot of them will also be professionally successful with careers? In fact you don't know because you don't talk to them.

It's not necessarily that you're bad at small talk. Some of the mums are probably close friends who see each other a lot and whose kids play together outside school etc. It's hard for you to come into a group like that if you're around less. Is there anyone else who seems like you, a bit on the outskirts? Try focusing on them.

No advice, but ditto!
I think that in some ways it is just no common interests, I would not expect to be friends with everyone I meet but would seek out those with whom I relate.
In the case of school mums their lives may be very different but just smile be polite ask open questions and eventually you may find one that clicks.
Perhaps think of it like internet dating and weeding out the candidates.

I had a friend and her DH round for a BBQ yesterday, we met at the school gate and have known each other for 15 years and click really well together. It’s unusual to have conversations immediately that are deep with anyone because it’s a bit if a risk. We started with just a few passing low level interactions.

Wokplaces have codes of conduct, rules. handbooks so unless someone has social anxiety or other communication issues then of course it’s easy to have conversations.

Mums are people with their own interests and once you get to know someone and past that initial low level interaction you may find you have a lot in common or share an interest.

Seems a bit harsh! I don't look down on anyone and have friends from all walks of life

Don’t assume mums want to talk about their kids. Yes at first as that is the common bond but then move on, holidays, national events coming up, work ( they may have a much more interesting job than you do), films you have seen, people you might know in common ( no gossip) , did they grow up in area, what a nice party it is, etc etc etc

Exactly this. People who think they’re so above the school mums and their boring ‘excruciating’ chat, then wonder why nobody talks to them.

Oh crap, some of the posts on this thread are making me feel even more reticent. Everyone does think I'm a snooty cow and I'm destined to stand in the corner alone at parties forever 😭

You sound incredibly bitter about the whole thing in your post! Maybe you need to focus on how "happy" you say you!

I speak to anyone and everyone not just my fellow pta parents! If someone is as awkward at conversation as you say you are I would probably avoid you as its really hard work sitting at a child's party with someone who can't make conversation!

What do you do in other situations where you don’t know people? How do you normally chat to strangers?

I don’t really get the whole thing about school mums either. They’re just people like you. I’ve never experienced any bitchiness at the school gates. Everyone has been so nice. Maybe I’ve been lucky tho.

Kids parties are a bit dull. You could ask people what else they have planned for the weekend, you might discover something interesting about them.

Im not great at forging friendships but I really wanted a couple of mum friends to avoid the situations you describe.

I pretty much faked it till I made it. I channel a couple of friends who ARE very confident & brilliant at making friends & followed whatever I think they would have done - asking a couple of ppl if they fancied a coffee after drop off etc.

Worked like a charm.
Also, homed in on smiley mums.

Worth remembering a lot of the parents may have gone to school together too, so they have existing bonds to build on - its nothing you're doing wrong. I always forget many people don't move away from where they were raised!

Do your kids have friends at school? Are their parents a route in?