If you have a friend who suddenly became rich (eg marriage or inheritance)

[poorrelative]

AIBU to ask if you, and especially your children, are still close?

I have an old friend (we are friends for 20+ years) who had married a very wealthy man. She seems to be very happy, and although her lifestyle has obviously changed massively, we stayed very close, and it has never been an issue from either side. I have a good professional wage myself, am reasonably comfortable, but will never be "rich". Both me and my friend are of quite humble origins.

Her children (and mine) are now of the age when they are able to start making long lasting friendships (and they do get along great). She let something slip after a couple of drinks that I cannot shake off. Her husband has nothing against our friendship (he's actually very supportive of it, and has been nothing but extremely pleasant to me), but is against the children spending a lot of time together and getting attached to each other. His justification is that they will live in very different worlds and it will be cruel to both sides when they will have to necessarily drift apart later. My friend actually thinks it is nonsense, and was telling me about this as just another complaint about him.

I was upset first, but then thought that there is a grain of truth there. It is very unlikely that their children will ever have to work for living, get a mortgage or see the inside of the public transport. Mine will, in all likelihood, have to go for student loans and live very frugally for years, if not decades, to be able to afford a deposit.

Is it possible for the children to stay close in these circumstances? I know there's absolutely no guarantee that childhood friendships persist in any case, but it looks like the wealth divide will be an additional obstacle.

I don't think he's right at all. Plenty of wealthy people maintain friendships from before they made their wealth, or won it, or inherited it. I think there's another reason why he wants to discourage the children's friendships.

I think it’s nice to have a wide range of friendships with different backgrounds, and I don’t think money has to be an issue. They’ll probably all go to uni, I had friends with and without loans and it didn’t make a difference. After uni, they might travel while your children need to find jobs etc but I don’t think any of this would be a problem if they are happy being friends and on their own paths.

I find it hard to believe anyone could genuinely think like this. Are these children going to be taken out of school then, in case they make friends with anyone who has less money? I assume they won't be going to university - who knows who they might meet there! Might as well lock them away now. Or get them special hats - "Only approach if you have a trust find of 20 million or more."

Um, didn't Prince Harry marry a commoner? Your friend's husband is an absolute imbecile. Life circumstances can change in a flash. Assuming his children will be rich for life and yours won't is ridiculous. People should value people, not wealth. He is setting his children up to value money, a horrible way of thinking in my view.

Well isn't he a charmer.

I'm probably perceived as being in a similar position to your friend (inherited enough to buy a house outright, which obviously frees up money that would otherwise have gone on a mortgage) but would never have let it affect friendships. When it comes to children, especially, I think it's important for them to know people from a variety of backgrounds.

For what it's worth, in my experience the truly wealthy keep their wealth very quiet when making new friends, for fear of attracting the wrong sort. Your friend's DH sounds very insecure.

He sounds a snob, I think he wants to distance himself from your family.
I dont agree with him either. Is he the Father or Stepfather? I hope your friend does not listen to his nonsense.

I don't think he is right. Yes their worlds maybe different but sometimes that's what makes the best friendships.

My DH closest friend is extremely wealthy and when I say extremely I mean extremely. It's never been an issue. They were each others best men. They joked about it leading up to the wedding and he told my DH that there was noone he would rather do it.

The children all get on too and when not seeing each other they often facetime, whatsap etc without either side prompting.

It has never been an issue because no one has made it one.

What a bizarre comment, if anything surely he would want his DC to have friends from a more 'grounded' background. Is he secretly a bit of a snob and hopes his DC will only mix with 'rich, privileged kids'?

He sounds like a weird guy. Plenty of people have friends who are poorer or richer than them and like you said - I'm not really in touch with any of the people I played with as a kid regardless. Friendships come and go but can be enriching while they last.

He's the father. There's quite an age gap though (30+ years), and he's from quite a conservative culture too.

What an odd thing to say

Everyone has friendships that wax and wane, it's part of life... To actively discourage this friendship is bizarre and removing important life skills from his children...

And also, does he 'police' other friends? Check their household income etc?

Means tested friendships??? There's got to be more to it than that

Your reasoning is faulty too. I think most children of very wealthy parents do indeed go to university and work. And most people don't hold on to many childhood friends anyway. I have one friend from school and a couple from university. Most of my current friends I made at work or the school gates.
Let the kids be friends - if they eventually drift apart for whatever reason - well that's life, and may have nothing to do with the disparity in wealth.

If you can't maintain a friendship JUST because of wealth then the friendship didn't mean much.

Oooft what a load of rubbish. we are wealthy. Wouldn't say rich. My nephew is the opposite. Our sons are like brothers and I expect will remain as such. You don't need money to play ball or eat ice cream.

I don't know him that well, he's usually just very pleasant and nothing more. It was just somehow strange to see my family through that lens.

I can see his point very very slightly depending on their ages - I don't agree with him mind. If your friends kids are getting every whim catered for, and expensive gifts, and ponies and all sorts and never have to ask for anything and are never told no I can see how he'd be uncomfortable and thinking children can't understand that. But unfortunately that's just life and kids will learn that at some stage or another that someone in school always had the best and some don't have proper lunches.

His justification is that they will live in very different worlds and it will be cruel to both sides when they will have to necessarily drift apart later. My friend actually thinks it is nonsense, and was telling me about this as just another complaint about him

To be fair to her DH - it is sometimes true. Money, unfortunately, can cause issues.

My sister’s husband is a very rich, self-made business man. As a couple they are very understated, and don’t come across as at all flashy. But they’ve lost a few long-standing friends due to the disparity in their current earnings, I’m assuming through jealousy. And they move in very different circles now.

if course, it isn’t always this way, and it’s not a given that the children will drift apart. I don’t agree that you should stop the childrens friendship just in case, but it is true that it could happen .

My children's cousins family are considerably wealthier than we are. We just reminded them growing up that they had to take things like school more seriously than their cousins because they'd need to support themselves one day. It's fine .

What rubbish. They could lose it all tomorrow anyway. Its like saying you all stay in your corner and we'll stay in ours. Will their dcs never use trains again then? Just ignore it. He sounds like a new money snob, the worse type.

Lots of friendships aren't for life. So what if they drift later? If it's a good friendship now, it's a good friendship now, and potentially an interesting insight into how the other half live to look back on in later life.

I have a similar friend we're both from comfortable middle class backgrounds, but she's got a fantastic job, earning 6 figures for the last 10 years) and she's hinted before that she actively wants our kids to remain friends because wants them to have a few "normal kids in their lives, who don't have housemaids etc!

Luckily she's a lovely friend, and I'm taking this as a compliment.

Rubbish. Kids will be friends with who they like. Some friendships naturally drift from being in each other's pockets to further apart, but still the friendship is there.

Ps if this dad really is dictating to his wife/kids the "type of people" they can be friends with, and if this doesn't include the children of his wife's best friend? That sounds like a gilded cage to me, and it's not your kids I'd be feeling sorry for in that scenario.

They won’t work? Has he said that?

Surely the role of parent is to prepare their children for independence?

I think a lot of wealthy people say things like this, just to prove a point. You know, so the 'peasants' know their place.

And I say this as the 'one of those spoilt rich kids', whose parents came out with the same sort of bile, when I was younger..