If you have a friend who suddenly became rich (eg marriage or inheritance)

[poorrelative]

AIBU to ask if you, and especially your children, are still close?

I have an old friend (we are friends for 20+ years) who had married a very wealthy man. She seems to be very happy, and although her lifestyle has obviously changed massively, we stayed very close, and it has never been an issue from either side. I have a good professional wage myself, am reasonably comfortable, but will never be "rich". Both me and my friend are of quite humble origins.

Her children (and mine) are now of the age when they are able to start making long lasting friendships (and they do get along great). She let something slip after a couple of drinks that I cannot shake off. Her husband has nothing against our friendship (he's actually very supportive of it, and has been nothing but extremely pleasant to me), but is against the children spending a lot of time together and getting attached to each other. His justification is that they will live in very different worlds and it will be cruel to both sides when they will have to necessarily drift apart later. My friend actually thinks it is nonsense, and was telling me about this as just another complaint about him.

I was upset first, but then thought that there is a grain of truth there. It is very unlikely that their children will ever have to work for living, get a mortgage or see the inside of the public transport. Mine will, in all likelihood, have to go for student loans and live very frugally for years, if not decades, to be able to afford a deposit.

Is it possible for the children to stay close in these circumstances? I know there's absolutely no guarantee that childhood friendships persist in any case, but it looks like the wealth divide will be an additional obstacle.

I don’t think this will be about you or
your kids, I think it’s about driving a little wedge between you and your friend so he can gradually separate you and have more control over her.

I say this because while he may or may not be right, I cannot imagine anyone would sit around thinking about whether it might or might not be cruel if their kids drifted apart from some other kids - friendships change and shed through life, that’s simply not something a parent would worry about.

So, don’t be fooled, keeping being a friend to your friend, she might need it. And let the kids sort themselves put.

I think he sounds a bit snobbish. My best friend all through school age times was from an incredibly rich family, they had an actual castle 😐 and I was from a council estate. Yes it was awkward at times as I couldn't relate to certain things and vice versa but it was a beautiful friendship and we were incredibly close.
The kids can decide if they want to be friends feels ridiculous for him to try and ice them apart based on this.

I think it depends, if your friend is a millionaire that I can't see it being much different. Multi millions or billions then yes.

Really odd way of thinking. Will they/do they, go to school? Even at private school, there will be a wide mix of children on full bursaries/scholarships whose parents couldn’t otherwise afford to send them, as well as very wealthy people. Will he stop them making friends with the kids on bursaries?

"My friend actually thinks it is nonsense, and was telling me about this as just another complaint about him."

I think the issue here is that there's something missing where your friend's voice and values might otherwise be. You and her DH both seem fairly realistic about the outcomes if things carry on according to his (?) plans. But they don't have to be that way. Some wealthy people choose not to give their kids large trust funds precisely so they do find work, careers, vocations and the like, as well as learning their way round public transport. Why does she spend her energy complaining to you instead of speaking up to him?

Perhaps the dc are off to boarding school soon and he's trying to lessen the blow?

In my experience well adjusted children pick their own friends irrelevant of financial status of their parents.

my child is highly paid proffessional, the closest friend lives a nomadic life style, living in communes, travelling, occasional work, volunteering etc, they are always on the phone and the friend often comes to stay for a weekend, where they have an awesome time together.

if your child’s friendship circle is simply based on financial status of the parents, then you’ve done something very very wrong. And if he’s trying to narrow his child’s social circle and control it then he’s a thick wanker.

I think that’s a crazy way to raise your kids no matter how much money you have… not using public transport?? Determining that there are certain people they won’t be friends with??

since when does mortgage status have any bearing on friendships? And student loans?! Most people are friends with all sorts… this sounds like a strange man!!

I'd just see it as a flippant comment from someone from another kind of world.

How would anyone prevent them becoming close if they are spending time together?

I'd pay little attention to that because either they do become close and the wealthy ones won't just bin your kids off.

Or, they won't become close and will drift apart, which is normal anyway.

Or, they become close but the wealthy kids bin your kids off, which reflects badly on them, not your kids. Lesson learned etc.

I wouldn't worry personally. I don't know what it's like in that world of high society. I just assume they have very different viewpoints. I'm from a very working class background and I'm not ashamed of that so I'd just put it down to that; different worlds, different viewpoints.

What you going to do? Cut them off now?

I just can't see how this comment is of any real consequence?

He's wrong & I would lose respect for anyone with such views.

I'd just leave the kids to it. If their friendship is strong then I'm sure it will carry on regardless of finances.

He's naive if he thinks his children will only mix with others who are wealthy. He's even more naive if he thinks handing them everything they need on a plate without them needing to achieve anything themselves, will help them become well rounded individuals.

It sounds like he's frightened that he'll be asked to stump up cash to pay for joint activities, holidays etc with your children and his. I hope you are your friend ignore him and carry on as you are. He's an idiot.

He's wrong and coming across as a massive prick to boot.

So, does he have a crystal ball? If he’s rich it doesn’t necessarily mean his kids will do well. I’ve known plenty that have gone off the rails and some that have ended up working in pubs and cafes, nothing wrong with that, but who’s he to know how his kids lives will turn out. He’s talking shite!

My DD’s best friend comes from a very well-off family (think big house, land, expensive cars, dad owns 12 winning racehorses etc).
They first met each other at a toddler group and then met up again and became best friends a decade later.
One of DS’s close friend’s parents have bought and are doing up a large castle, own a helicopter, horses, go hunting etc.

We are very definitely not well-off, or even comfortable - we live in an ex council semi, drive an 11 year old car, holiday in the UK etc - but it has never made one iota of difference.
Friendship isn’t based on financial status, or if it is, it isn’t true friendship IMO.

You and your friend stayed friends so why not?

He’s wrong. Wealthy people would be limiting their options pretty badly if they could only be friends with equally wealthy people. Plus all the wealthy people I know expect their children to work- it may be that they can afford to choose a career for the love of it rather than for money, but no one sensible wants their child to sit around idle, what a wasted life.

He sounds like a twat and with a 30 year age gap she may be sitting on some money, but I doubt she’s sitting on his cock.

He sounds like a former next door neighbour of mine. I went round one night to babysit his children (who are around 10 years younger than me) and we were chatting politely waiting on his wife getting ready when he said “Yes but I expect I pay more for my children’s education than your father paid for yours”. Children will be friends irrespective of personal circumstances. Sometimes those friendships will drift and sometimes they won’t but surely we owe it to our children to allow them to decide for themselves as that is part of growing up.

The obsession with money, status and wealth on this site is truly staggering.

Children won’t be bothered by wealth. Their friendship may drift, but that happens. It might not happens.

My best friend from 10 years old until she died a few years ago was someone I met at a summer camp. Her family is extremely wealthy. Like ridiculously so. I was there because a local businessman paid for a few places for kids with a social worker. My abusive father was still trying to kick in my Grandparents (who I lived with by then) front door to steal money or things to sell for drugs in on a regular basis.
I once had a week off school because I had holes in my shoes and they couldn’t be replaced until payday.

Friendships will work if both people want it to work.

Me and my husband come from different backgrounds. Money was tight for him growing up and we had a second home, holidays abroad etc. However, we shared the same values. Anyone who wants the same kind of friends is going to live a one dimensional life!

I went to University with some people who had wealthy family. The still went to University, used public transport (not as much as me though) and planned to have jobs even if eventually they would be managing the family Estate or joining a family business.

Well he's a gem isn't he?!!!!

I would say my family are middle class. My DD has a friend from a very wealthy family - think staff, body guards, chauffeur etc, they are incredibly close and this hasn't changed as they're becoming adults.

But a friend of 30+ yrs who's a self made multi millionaire will be different as her kids are all about displaying having the best and the best experiences. Back stage passes, first class travel etc.

It's the attitude of the individuals that sets the tone.

...and was telling me about this as just another complaint about him.

Another complaint? So there are others... One can't help wondering whether her marriage is indeed as rosy as it appears on the surface.