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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump DP for this?

108 replies

Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 11:43

Been with DP a year. Been good and he's nice and kind and we have a lot in common.

But

If you ask him a question on anything he will give an answer as fact regardless of whether he knows the answer or not. He cannot seem to say "I don't know".

For example, I'll ask if you need a visa to go to a certain country and he'll say no when he doesn't know. Or has a friend accepted an invite for dinner or anything really. He says the answer he wants it to be.

We've had conversations about it and how I feel I can't trust anything he says anymore as I'm always thinking 'but is that true'.

He can't explain why he does it.

It happened again today over something trivial and I just think 'fuck this'. Cannot be arsed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GregBrawlsInDogJail · 03/06/2022 11:45

You can end a relationship for any reason you like, and not being able to trust anything your partner says seems like a sound one to me.

IncompleteSenten · 03/06/2022 11:47

Very annoying.
My husband can be like this.
I ask him if/where he looked it up/checked or if he's assuming.

GCRich · 03/06/2022 11:48

GregBrawlsInDogJail · Today 11:45

You can end a relationship for any reason you like, and not being able to trust anything your partner says seems like a sound one to me.

Thread ends.

Original poster
Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 11:48

We were driving this morning and a boy racer went past with loud exhaust noises and I said 'why do they have two exhausts that are so loud, is it because the engines are so big so it goes faster' and he said it's because the owner likes the sound and has nothing to do with engine capacity. I'm then sitting thinking, I wonder if that's true or is he making it up.

FFS. This is stupid, isn't it? I need to end it.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 03/06/2022 11:49

Posted too soon.
You can end a relationship for any reason you like.

GCRich · 03/06/2022 11:49

IncompleteSenten · Today 11:47

Very annoying.
My husband can be like this.
I ask him if/where he looked it up/checked or if he's assuming.

How about asking "can I just confirm that you will be giving me full and fair compensation for any losses suffered, plus £5,000 in punitive damages, if it turns out that you are incorrect?"

MissSmiley · 03/06/2022 11:50

How can you respect him for this kind of behaviour? I would leave, he sounds like a knob

Fireflygal · 03/06/2022 11:51

How about asking "can I just confirm that you will be giving me full and fair compensation for any losses suffered, plus £5,000 in punitive damages, if it turns out that you are incorrect?"

Brilliant 👏

Original poster
Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 11:51

I think I've been hoping he will change, but nope. Not going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 11:52

Fireflygal · 03/06/2022 11:51

How about asking "can I just confirm that you will be giving me full and fair compensation for any losses suffered, plus £5,000 in punitive damages, if it turns out that you are incorrect?"

Brilliant 👏

Very good

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 03/06/2022 11:53

Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 11:48

We were driving this morning and a boy racer went past with loud exhaust noises and I said 'why do they have two exhausts that are so loud, is it because the engines are so big so it goes faster' and he said it's because the owner likes the sound and has nothing to do with engine capacity. I'm then sitting thinking, I wonder if that's true or is he making it up.

FFS. This is stupid, isn't it? I need to end it.

This is actually true as far as i know.

I agree with others, you can end a relationship for any reason. And after only a year its best to get out now if your not happy.

Davyjones · 03/06/2022 11:54

Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 11:43

Been with DP a year. Been good and he's nice and kind and we have a lot in common.

But

If you ask him a question on anything he will give an answer as fact regardless of whether he knows the answer or not. He cannot seem to say "I don't know".

For example, I'll ask if you need a visa to go to a certain country and he'll say no when he doesn't know. Or has a friend accepted an invite for dinner or anything really. He says the answer he wants it to be.

We've had conversations about it and how I feel I can't trust anything he says anymore as I'm always thinking 'but is that true'.

He can't explain why he does it.

It happened again today over something trivial and I just think 'fuck this'. Cannot be arsed.

AIBU?

You can’t trust him
you can’t be arsed with this
why would you stay?

do you want a family?

grapewines · 03/06/2022 11:57

Being in a relationship with such a person must be both infuriating and exhausting. Plus, you can't really trust him. Cut your losses.

Botoxbotox · 03/06/2022 11:59

Have you actually pulled him on it, and told him you'll end your relationship if he does it again?

GCRich · 03/06/2022 12:00

Poptart4 · Today 11:53

This is actually true as far as i know.

I think that they're both half right. OP was right to say that the engine size mean more fumes which means more exhaust capacity is needed. Partner is right that the loud pipes are probably because the boy racer likes to make a horrid racket.

Very annoying if OP says something kinda true and he "corrects it" with something else that is kinda true. "Yeah engine size is part of it, but the noise is probably because he wants to make a noise and bought noisy pipes. I think." might have been a better response

Caveat - may be wrong, not a car expert.

SpindleSheWrote · 03/06/2022 12:01

I had an ex boss like this. He created absolute carnage. Lovely bloke on the surface, though, but he could get arsey if challenged on his gobshitely ignorant pronouncements.

Anyway I was the only person who ever stood up to him and was able to manage him, and I was 'put in charge' of him like his bloody minder at key meetings with external partners. So boss would be all bluster bluster and 'yeah we can do that', and I would be required to step in and say, 'what Mr Gobshite is saying is that the will is there, and thank you for explaining that Mr Gobshite, but from the technical side we'll obviously have to look at our capacity to see if we can really deliver that'.

It was exhausting and humiliating and thank fuck he was demoted. And yes, I was offered his job. Oh, and his wife left him.

Original poster
Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 12:05

Botoxbotox · 03/06/2022 11:59

Have you actually pulled him on it, and told him you'll end your relationship if he does it again?

Yes!

He gets all apologetic and can't explain why he does it but the effort rarely lasts.

I've said about using the word 'maybe' to soften and show he doesn't know and he's agreed but again doesn't follow through

Ah, back to OLD.

OP posts:
ChocolateHippo · 03/06/2022 12:06

It would be a kindness to both of you to end it as otherwise he risks ending up under the patio when you eventually snap.

Original poster
Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 12:07

We're both mid 50s and both families are grown up so this is meant to be a fun relationship but beginning to think I'm stuck with Victor Meldrew

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 03/06/2022 12:09

It's definitely a man thing and one I don't miss now I'm single. My XH did it and I noticed a few men do it. A lot of women seem to defer to it.

My XH classic was when we were on a ferry in the Canaries. I said I felt like any minute a bunch of dolphins would be leaping out of the bow wave. 'Oh' he said 'you don't find dolphins this far south'.

Two minutes later about 30 dolphins started leaping in the wave. 'Porpoises on the other hand.....'

Ridiculous. He was an academic. After dinner at Christmas my FIL would ask him questions about Syria or Iraq and he'd hold forth. What fun. My fault for marrying him.

In your case take the piss and see how he copes. If he can't take it then you have to decide if it will drive you nuts.

KangFang · 03/06/2022 12:11

Yeah, well, he's just a liar, isn't he?
FTS - I'd dump his ass.

ChocolateHippo · 03/06/2022 12:12

Thousandthingstosay · 03/06/2022 12:07

We're both mid 50s and both families are grown up so this is meant to be a fun relationship but beginning to think I'm stuck with Victor Meldrew

Definitely bail! It doesn't sound fun anymore and you don't owe him anything.

BobLemon · 03/06/2022 12:16

I think he was pretty much right though?

In our family, its the opposite that pisses us off. You answer a question and then get challenged on your answer. “If you don’t want to listen to my answer, don’t ask me the question” gets used a lot.

You just sound incompatible.

garlicandsapphires · 03/06/2022 12:19

I'd think this was something you could crack, if you both want to, and that you'd be unreasonable to end an otherwise good relationship because of it. If he wants to keep you then he needs to make an active effort to change his behaviour.

creamedcustard · 03/06/2022 12:19

My DP does this, not so much now, but he would do it SEVERAL TIMES A FUCKING DAY.
I had to sit him down and explain very firmly that his bullshitting, presented as fact, was seriously harming my respect and trust in him. I explained the difficulties it had caused already in practical terms since we started living together (causing some quite dangerous situations at times). He actually listened and is now starting to qualify his BS with "I'm guessing here but..." which is a huge improvement.
I also started singing the "you're making things up again Arnold" song at him from Book of Mormon whenever I detected BS.
I genuinely think he wasn't aware in his own head before the difference between him knowing something as hard fact/experience and what his head was telling him might be true from some obscure connection. Now before jumping to conclusions he slows down enough to think a bit more.
I also think it's symptomatic of him not having a great deal of general knowledge/common sense, but wishing he has.