to make other managers uncomfortable?

[wheresmymojo]

Last week my (senior) manager called a team meeting of the managers who report in to him. I am one of those managers.

One of the topics on the agenda was to talk about the results of the latest employee survey. He invited us all to share our honest opinions.

We work at a big company that massively promotes itself as a diverse place to work and it does some really good stuff around race and has some really progressive policies around women (menopause leave, miscarriage leave, etc).

However they are well below average in terms of thinking about disabilities and neurodiversity. I have both of those things and am on the company 'Committee' which has made practically no progress in the last six months.

I shared my opinion that while we're good at some strands of disability we're actually pretty terrible at others, that we have a really long way to go to even be remotely good compared to other big corporates I've worked at and basically shared my disappointment and frustration about the whole thing. I'm quite blunt so I have no doubt that I put this view across very strongly (but professionally, no swearing or shouting or anything).

I am currently going through things related to my disability where the (crap IMO) policies of the company have had a direct and concrete impact on me so my opinion is based in lived experience.

Today in my 121 my manager (the senior manager that called the meeting) told me that while he'd asked us to be honest that I had been too negative about this topic.

That I came across as severely negative (I told him that was because I feel severely negative about this topic, I pointed out positive comments I made on other topics).

He said he thought I might have made some of the other managers uncomfortable by being so negative about it. These are managers with no lived experience of disability or neurodiversity. He said I need a higher EQ as I need to realise some of the other managers may now want to invest less in our working relationship because I'd been so negative about my thoughts on the companies approach to disabilities/neurodiversity.

I've reflected on it and honestly I feel like - he asked for honest opinions and I gave mine. I'm passionate about the topic and very disappointed and I'm not sorry that came across strongly because it's a genuine reflection of how I feel. It was, after all, about how we (as individuals) feel about these topics as employees.

I feel like it isn't my responsibility to dial down how disappointed I am (from the perspective of my real lived experience) to make the other managers feel more comfortable.

I actually feel a bit gaslit (gaslighted?)...

I also don't think he would have had the same conversation if I were from another diversity group (black, gay, Muslim, etc)...

AIBU?

It befuddles me why managers of employees request honest feedback but then feel they must take issue with the severity of the negativity when this is the case. Unless your delivery of the negativity was disrespectful then I don’t think yabu.

I'm quite blunt so I have no doubt that I put this view across very strongly (but professionally, no swearing or shouting or anything).
What did you actually say/do?

YADNBU - your manager has effectively downplayed your disability concerns and by implying that you're 'negative' by bringing them up and colleagues are 'uncomfortable' and may not want to play in your gang work with you, he's othering your and the valid issues raised. He thought you were all going to gush about how brilliant the company is and what they've done - and was passed off you didn't shower him with corporate glory.

Sounds more like defensiveness than gaslighting.

IME most diversity policies are window-dressing to make senior management feel good about themselves, so he probably meant that your honesty made him feel uncomfortable rather than anyone else.

Culturally disability and ND are still too often viewed as personal weaknesses / flaws. I expect that's why your organisation falls short there too - consciously or otherwise that's how they see it.

How was the conversation with him in your 121 left?

I think you’re absolutely right to stand your ground on this one. I’m on the diversity committee at work and it utterly fucks me off how we lack representation from certain groups yet every single video internal comms puts out is yet another senior white man waffling about diversity.

However, there are ways to express this. Were you very blunt?

“We want your honest opinions!”
”Oh no, not those honest opinions! That’s too honest!”
I’m afraid disability is not the trendy bit of “diversity” these days. There’s often very little empathy with people who have disabilities or are ND. Unless you were more than blunt, e.g, you insulted people, he’s out of order.
I suspect they are more interested in diversity issues that are easy to promote and crow about. Equality for disabled and ND people means that they actually have to do something.

ridiculous manager, he asked for feedback and instead of using valuable information as an impetus to improve the companies performance, he’s opted to bat the issue back at you. This is incredibly poor and defensive management style, lacking in real reflection or any understanding of equality, diversity and protected characteristics in law

@iklboo Spot on.

Sounds like you may have been unprofessional

I would go see HR about this and talk to his manager

You are not be unreasonable,
like you said you wasn’t shouting or swearing.

Sounds like he doesn’t like women with strong opinions.

Aww, diddums, the managers felt uncomfortable. They needed pulling up on the subject and that should’ve been the ends of the conversation.
Good on you for bringing it up!

I also don't think he would have had the same conversation if I were from another diversity group (black, gay, Muslim, etc)...

I think you were absolutely in the right but you might be surprised on this one - in general, whatever the minority, people are expected to be very careful not to make the majority/the privileged feel bad about themselves and to prioritize that over being entirely truthful.

If you are autistic and he told you off for responding to what he’d actually said (tell me honestly) rather than some hidden subtext and then that you need to improve your EQ… he needs some serious ND in the workplace training.

No it doesn’t. Do you just like putting the boot in?

How?

it’s sounds like the workplace IS shit at neurodiversity and her manager’s response is a clear example of this.

They may not want to invest in a professional relationship with you because you want the company to be better? Morons. That is their shortcoming.

Sometimes it is appropriate to make others feel uncomfortable, and this seems to be one.

When you say you put your opinion across did you offer any constructive suggestions or was it just a polite rant?
I understand the frustration, but ime many nt managers are touchy about blunt fact. And equally, we as nd people can get so wrapped up in trying to translate our opinions into nt acceptable wording we sometimes forget to say how we’d like to see things change.

'we want opinions about how we approach diversity'

Neurodiverse employee gives her opinion about how they approach diversity.

'You're being too neurodiverse'

QED.

I don't know what you said, but managers always want things put in terms of 'we have X but we could make it even better by doing Y'.

Saying something is crap (if that's what you did) never goes down well.

What did you actually say though. I know they wanted honest but there are ways of phrasing the same things.

I agree with both the last two answers

Just said how I felt...

• That while the company are good with some strands of diversity they're quite poor around disabilities / ND

• That they're about 15 years behind similar sized (big) companies I've worked at before

• That there's no real progress being made (and I sit on the Committee so I know)

• That I only recently found out that they'd had nothing around race for employees until employees asked for it after George Floyd and I thought that was quite shocking (big companies have been doing diversity stuff for years and years, was shocked that they pride themselves on it yet it took BLM movement in 2020 to actually do anything)

• That I felt the team leading DEI weren't very experienced (our team aren't connected to them, we're in a different area of the business, so it's not like I was criticising anyone in the room)

• That some of the policies we have are very poor and have impacted me personally (we get 5 paid sick days in our first year with no leeway for disabilities...so I could take time off for the menopause but not a diagnosed disability which is crazy IMO). This has led to one of my disabled colleagues having to work from her hospital bed when hospitalised with her disability as otherwise she wouldn't be able to pay her bills

Yep.

My company is similar - all talk when it comes to this kind of thing, but unable to handle being asked to put it into practice.