to make other managers uncomfortable?

[wheresmymojo]

Last week my (senior) manager called a team meeting of the managers who report in to him. I am one of those managers.

One of the topics on the agenda was to talk about the results of the latest employee survey. He invited us all to share our honest opinions.

We work at a big company that massively promotes itself as a diverse place to work and it does some really good stuff around race and has some really progressive policies around women (menopause leave, miscarriage leave, etc).

However they are well below average in terms of thinking about disabilities and neurodiversity. I have both of those things and am on the company 'Committee' which has made practically no progress in the last six months.

I shared my opinion that while we're good at some strands of disability we're actually pretty terrible at others, that we have a really long way to go to even be remotely good compared to other big corporates I've worked at and basically shared my disappointment and frustration about the whole thing. I'm quite blunt so I have no doubt that I put this view across very strongly (but professionally, no swearing or shouting or anything).

I am currently going through things related to my disability where the (crap IMO) policies of the company have had a direct and concrete impact on me so my opinion is based in lived experience.

Today in my 121 my manager (the senior manager that called the meeting) told me that while he'd asked us to be honest that I had been too negative about this topic.

That I came across as severely negative (I told him that was because I feel severely negative about this topic, I pointed out positive comments I made on other topics).

He said he thought I might have made some of the other managers uncomfortable by being so negative about it. These are managers with no lived experience of disability or neurodiversity. He said I need a higher EQ as I need to realise some of the other managers may now want to invest less in our working relationship because I'd been so negative about my thoughts on the companies approach to disabilities/neurodiversity.

I've reflected on it and honestly I feel like - he asked for honest opinions and I gave mine. I'm passionate about the topic and very disappointed and I'm not sorry that came across strongly because it's a genuine reflection of how I feel. It was, after all, about how we (as individuals) feel about these topics as employees.

I feel like it isn't my responsibility to dial down how disappointed I am (from the perspective of my real lived experience) to make the other managers feel more comfortable.

I actually feel a bit gaslit (gaslighted?)...

I also don't think he would have had the same conversation if I were from another diversity group (black, gay, Muslim, etc)...

AIBU?

At my husband's company the Chief Diversity Officer (US) reports directly to the CEO.
The CEO knows that for the company to get this wrong will have a direct impact on the share price and therefore is important to every investor and employee as well as customers.

Their Chief Diversity Officer is excellent and well as pragmatic and is utterly trusted by the CEO and co-workers.

Your manager sounds awful and I think that you MUST take this to your head of personnel HR or whatever it is called because this is so important.

He cannot be allowed to bully you like this which is effectively what he is doing.

I think you are being a little cynical. The top management do need good D & I and might be horrified at the response of your manager especially if they think it might go public.
They will soon do something then.

'I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth as long as that truth has been fully approved in writing beforehand as being an acceptable version of somebody else's truth'

Something I cynically wrote (to a friend) after a similar incident.

This is exactly the sort of weird logic that has been used to continue and even justify discriminatory practices for years.

Don’t challenge anything because people
don’t like that.

If you don’t like it, find a different job.

under no circumstances should the status quo be challenged or anyone forced to improve their attitudes to and practices in relation to disability or any other protected characteristic.

Nope. If you don’t fit into the system, you’re the problem and should be eliminated.

Currently on my 2nd grievance in 6 months because of this sort of shit. I won the first and I'll win this one. All fucking lip service policies. When I find another job, I'll be going for constructive dismissal because it's becoming untenable for my mental health to stay.

I had none of this shit before my diagnoses.

Your manager scored a bit of an own goal there.
You did what he asked for and stay firm on that.In future it may be a good idea to ask if they really want the truth.

I think there's lots to unpick, and lots of very valid points on this thread. I think many posters have got it spot on - diversity is important to an organisation but only so far as that it doesn't inconvenience anyone else.

I was a senior manager, and I'm also neurodiverse (autism and ADHD) and I struggled to hold back my honest feelings. I found it very hard to follow the party line when I knew something wasn't right. I was often outspoken about things. And I learnt that honest feedback doesn't mean completely honest feedback.

To prevent it just being seen as a personal moan, it's often a good idea to offer solutions rather than just complaining how bad it is. Managers who just want to talk about how terrible things are without offering constructive solutions tend not to be listened to. And to a certain extent I get that. I wouldn't really just want to hear a constant moan without hearing about how it could be fixed/improved.

Your comments about your manager make him sound like a bit of an arse, and not genuinely interested in the subject. Sounds like he was in it for ass pats rather than legitimate feedback.

The only area where I wonder if he has a point though is about others in the room feeling awkward when you mentioned about it affecting you personally. You shouldn't be bringing your own personal circumstances into senior level discussions. It makes it sound like a vendetta and unprofessional. It would be really inappropriate to listen to another senior manager talk about their personal problems/complaints. You can talk about the same issues in general terms without divulging that you're unhappy with your personal treatment.

Championing diversity in the workplace sounds like a hyper fixation for you (hyper fixation is a common ASD/ADHD "thing" for anyone unfamiliar with this). And that means you'd be a brilliant person for the committee. Perfect. But I wonder whether it means you're not presenting the subject in a way that's more suitable for general digestion? I ask this because I know it's something I'm frequently guilty of.

Employers do need to make accommodations for disabled and neurodiverse individuals and generally they're shit at doing so. As a PP said, neurodiversity is often still seen - albeit unconsciously - as a character flaw. But by the same token, as neurodiverse individuals, we need to understand that we have a responsibility too, and that means learning how we can deal with things more appropriately. It sounds as if your company, and your manager, have quite some way to go. But from your description, I wouldn't say you were entirely blameless in this scenario.

Good for you.

@SoggyPaper
Agree with you.

Ask for the truth and bollix the person who gives it to you in public and private and think you can get away with it.

Unfortunately these type of twat managers think they can say what they like.

Thats why email is so helpful.
You actually ask did they really mean to say X, as you found it upsetting, unnecessary, disrespectful, discriminatory.

A lot of managers are so arrogant they don't even bother to reply when challenged.

It does help to build a lovely grievance when things get too annoying though.

Such an interesting thread OP.

Can you meet the manager and try again? Then document this to show you’re solving problems etc... (& to help cover your arse in case this blows up on your face although I really hope it doesn’t)

Op I think what he’s saying is it’s your method of delivery not the message itself. To explain, it’s a skill to br able to articulate areas for improvement without sounding like you’re having a go and just being negative and saying it’s all shite.

now it might well all be shite, but to drive for positive improvement you need to phrase criticism in a constructive manner, if you don’t, then you risk alienating people.

from what you’ve written this is what he’s telling you. He wasn’t telling you not to raise the issues. He was telling you the way you did it, was going to alienate people.

I would think through your communication style, potentially look at some additional training, as it is a skill set to be able to drive positive change and just sounding like a negative Nelly is not it.

You have found out about the reality, that most company's who bang on about mental health, health safety, diversity etc dont really care about any of that it's a box ticking exercise to put on their websites oh aren't we great.

And don't get me started on employee surveys which in my experience don't get listened to so staff aren't engaged.

Your manager requested honest feedback from the known to be neurodiverse.

He is now giving you feedback that your feedback was not curated enough?

I’d be inclined to say that when he asked the known neurodiverse for specifically honest feedback, you took him literally.

If what he actually wanted was curated business speak feedback - to avoid future misunderstandings he should say exactly that.

I’ve had a similar scenario at work. We have agreed that at no point ever again will I be asked for my don’t hold back thoughts.

Yanbu. In the company I work for they are very good at boasting on our intranet about how good they are with disabilities and parade accounts from staff who work in head office who enjoy a lot of flexibility and can sit near a toilet with crohns.
whereas in the branch network staff with IBS and crohns and other disabilities are struggling to be allowed out to attend important consultants appointments.
he wanted you to shower him with praise not because his goal is to be good with disabilities, much rather he wants the company image to pretend they are good with disabilities

Can you send a follow up email to say you've been thinking about it & still believe that you gave honest feedback as asked & were factually accurate & as a business you should want to improve. You obviously are passionate and knowledgeable in this area so should be an asset to help in addressing this & you would appreciate his support. Ask what he thinks when he's had some time to think it over.

Assuming you're a woman? Did any other female or male managers give negative feedback & how was that received? I think he can't be bothered with another problem & doesn't want to feed back negativity from his team.

Good luck!

Yabu purely because of your penultimate sentence. Everything else is reasonable but that just ruins the whole thing imo.