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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner hasn't done any housework the entire time I've been away.

102 replies

Lafoosa · 01/06/2022 18:12

AIBU to be upset and annoyed at my partner because I've been away for 2 days and 2 nights with our 3 children (4, 2 and newborn), alone when I was visiting my mum (who is disabled, which is relevant for the fact it means she can't help me with the kids) and then my sister who is in hospital and quite sick, and my partner has done absolutely no housework. I left almost immediately after we'd had his family over all week (he'd been working so I had to do all the entertaining and they're horrible people) and he had 48 hours to himself with no work, no kids and no one else in the house but himself. But instead of just taking a couple of hours to do something that benefits all of us he just sat on his arse, played Xbox, drank 8 beers, then went to the pub. He could've done those things and helped with the house, but instead he chose to only think about himself. So after a ridiculously long and emotionally draining few days for me, including all together 12 hours on trains on my own, I've now got an entire house to clean while I'm also looking after all the kids.

He's acting like I'm being unreasonable to have expected him to do it while I was gone since IMO it really wouldn't have taken long when you have no children to tend to or to trash it while you're do it nf it. Is it unreasonable to expect him to do it? It's his house too.
I was just really hoping to be able to relax when I got home, but I can't even see the floor in our bedroom and no pots have been washed the entire time I've been gone.
He told me he'd been tidying up for hours, but I literally can not even see one space he's tidied up.

OP posts:
Shedcity · 02/06/2022 18:31

So he arranged for horrible family to come over and for you to entertain them
and you just did it

and then you dealt with all the kids and the trip on your own.

and then you come home and cleaned up. And continued looking after all the kids alone.

he’s awful but why are you doing it. No one is making you.

WimbyAce · 02/06/2022 19:08

I would be fuming! Is he always this lazy?!

CabbageKale · 04/04/2023 19:45

Looking after the house and kids is not just your job. It should be shared equally.
He is not "helping" and he doesn't need you to tell him what to do or make him a list of chores.
He's not 4 years old. He doesn't need a good boy sticker chart.

CabbageKale · 04/04/2023 19:46

What would happen if he lived on his own? Actually I hate to say it but I bet either his mum would clean up for him or he'd find another woman to do it.

How can you not just completely dry up thinking about sex with such a useless man who treats you so badly.

toastfairy · 05/04/2023 14:48

@CabbageKale a good boy sticker chart.

lol, I dunno OP maybe he does?

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 14:57

God help you.

3 children with a selfish useless waster.

What a life, you poor woman.

This is your life until you make the changes that will make it better.

With a beer swilling gamer, I doubt it will be any time soon.

Losers don't change.

BMW6 · 05/04/2023 15:13

Has he always been like this?

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2023 15:27

ZOMBIE!!!!

WarmButteryCrumpets · 05/04/2023 16:08

I hope we get an update on this zombie thread that the op has left the useless article

Lafoosa · 09/07/2023 12:20

@WarmButteryCrumpets I have left, I left in November 2022 and I'm so much happier now. Things are much easier alone.
He makes just as little effort now as he did then too and hardly sees the children at all, never calls them, never asks how they are and only sees them because I chase him about it.

But apart from dealing with the fallout of him making no effort with his children, I'm happier, the kids are happier, I've been able to do things I just wouldn't have been able to do before. Even just simple things like going camping with the kids and actually having a nice time, or going out to a comedy show by myself. Days out with the kids are actually fun now because I don't constantly have him telling me I'm doing the wrong thing by letting them out of arms length of me, and he's not there to shout at me.

Despite having the kids 99% of the time, I have more free time now than I ever did before. My house is clean, I have friends now (he would always make me feel bad for that before), and I actually get to shower whenever I want without being made feel guilty about it.

Just got my cat back that he kept too (he stopped feeding him and I had to enlist the help of Facebookers to help me find him).

Sorry for the radio science on here with an update, I forgot about the thread in the chaos of moving house, schools, jobs, and area and finding my feet as a single mum - which turns out is actually no different to what I was doing before anyway.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/07/2023 12:25

Great news @Lafoosa

Wishing you well in your new future

FOJN · 09/07/2023 13:11

This is such a brilliant update, I'm so pleased for you.

cushioncovers · 09/07/2023 14:48

Fabulous update op. Really pleased for you.

Clymene · 09/07/2023 14:57

What a great update! Congratulations OP. Wishing you and your kids many happy years ahead Smile

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 09/07/2023 15:06

Great update and I hope other women use you as inspiration to leave their own useless partners!

pinkyredrose · 09/07/2023 15:14

That's amazing Op! So glad you have your cat back too!

Yea2023 · 09/07/2023 15:24

Well done OP, sounds Like you've done an amazing job!

I wish you all the best in your happier home.x

pinkfondu · 09/07/2023 15:32

Love this update op, inspiring

LiftyLift · 09/07/2023 15:36

What a brilliant update. So pleasing to hear you are doing better solo!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/07/2023 15:51

Fabulous update op. Good for you.

I'm so pleased you came back to update.

For two reasons.

Firstly for you, and your happiness and your dc future.

But secondly because every day on mumsnet some poor frazzled mum with an awful useless selfish partner posts on here, and everybody encourages her to leave, and she disappears off the thread, normally after the first post. Either not ready to hear it, doesn't want to hear it. So it's so lovely to hear when the poster does hear it. Well done you 💪

Lafoosa · 09/07/2023 16:42

@arethereanyleftatall
It definitely took a while, I knew I needed and wanted to leave for a while. At the time I made this post my youngest was only 8 weeks old, and I'd planned to leave before I you pregnant with her. Ultimately, his usefulness aside he lied constantly and gaslighted me about it for years, and was generally a horrible person to be with.
Although I would've still left without all that stuff, no one should be with someone who doesn't care about being a good partner or dad.

It took a lot of reading what's on here, and multiple comments on lots of posts I made on Facebook for me to snap out of thinking I must be the problem like he said I was.

OP posts:
Kazzyhoward · 09/07/2023 16:46

I'd be showing him the door and taking the keys off him. That's a deal breaker for me.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/07/2023 18:21

Good luck OP!

WickedSerious · 09/07/2023 18:29

Good for you OP,he sounds about as much use as a bag of arseholes.

JayWayney · 09/07/2023 18:31

Good for you. Thanks for coming back to update.